Episode 5
Episode properly open on March 26, 2024, Floor 56: Pani. Asuna, Kirito, BallsDeep69 and a bunch of other players are huddled around a map, planning a Boss raid.
Asuna
That's it! That's how we'll beat him! "Sheeptar: The Sheep King", your reign is at an end.
Klein
If that thing hadn't already killed 7 of us, I'd say this was a really stupid Boss.
Asuna
We'll get just close enough to aggro him, then, our archers will kite him all the way to the village. Once he's there, he'll be too distracted killing NPCs to notice us. Then, we move in for the kill.
Kirito
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We can't just go around sacrificing NPCs! Some of my best friends have been NPCs!
Asuna
That makes way too much sense.
An NPC is heard in the background.
Ghost 1
We must save my family!
Kirito
Ya see?! Some of them even have faaaaaaaa... *Whispered* Gary... 'Scuse me. I have to go say hi to an old friend. Won't be a minute.
Kirito leaves the meeting.
Kirito
Hey Gary! Long time no see!
Kirito stabs Gary, causing him to scream in pain.
Kirito
Yeah! Bet ya didn't expect to see me again, did ya punk?!
Gary
WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!!
Kirito continues to stab Gary.
Kirito
You left us to die, you bastard!
Gary
WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY!!!
Gary
We must save *Painful murmurs*.
Kirito
Choke on it! Choke on my vengeance! How does it taste?!
Gary
We must *Groans in pain* save my... family...
We hear Kirito hacking up Gary as he laughs maniacally. All the people in the cave, except for Asuna, stand around awkwardly, shifting their eyes at the horrific sight.
Klein
Yeah, you know what? Maybe he has a point. This is super uncomfortable.
Cut to April 11, 2024 Floor 59: Danac. Asuna comes across Kirito relaxing under a tree.
Asuna
Sooooooo... how's your day goin'? You're lookin' pretty relaxed there, buddy.
Kirito
Ah, pretty good. This grass feels amazing.
Asuna
Cool, cool. You, uh... You wanna know what I did today?
Kirito
Not particularly, but I suspect that wasn't a real quest-
Asuna
I was fighting goddamn SHEEPTAR! It was great! You should have been there! He was climbin' the walls, spittin' acid-
Kirito
We're still talking about a sheep, right? Not, like, a... fluffy Xenomorph?
Asuna
It's a really stupid Boss!
Kirito
Apparently not that stupid if it killed 7 of you.
Asuna
12 now, *Sighs* actually.
Kirito
Oh, well, that's a thing. But, I mean, you survived. So hey, silver lining.
Asuna
Okay, what the hell is wrong with you?! You're way too... mellow.
Kirito
Well, I had some time to kill before the raid, so I figured I'd power level my Alchemy a bit by eating some weird plants, and now everything's... just great.
Asuna
Oh my god! I can't believe this! You're the one that insisted we couldn't use the NPCs as bait! And then you go and-
Kirito
Asuna, Asuna, Asuna. Look, okay? I get it. You had a really bad day, you're stressed out, 7 people died-
Kirito
Not the point. Look, they're dead now. And really? Whose fault is that?
Kirito
That's right. No ones. So why don't you lie down, relax, and watch the stars with me?
Asuna
It's 2 in the afternoon! There are no stars!
Kirito
Only if you're looking with your eyes.
Asuna
What the hell does that mean?!
Kirito
Only one way to find out.
Asuna
You'd better come down soon so I can kick your teeth in.
Kirito wakes up sometime later. He stretches and yawns.
He sees Asuna asleep next to him.
Kirito
What the...? Asuna? What is she doing here?
Kirito
Huh, those dudebros make interesting point. There's an... above-average girl sleeping next to me, and no one around to interrupt. I mean, as a man, there's really only one option here.
Kirito chuckles menacingly.
Cut to sunset, and Asuna wakes up with stuff drawn on her face. She sees Kirito sitting on a wall smiling at her and gasps.
Kirito
Hey sleepy head. How was your-
Asuna gets up and grabs her sword. Kirito screams.
Asuna
Tell me what you did right now, and you may live!
Kirito
I drew whiskers on your face!
Kirito
I drew cat whiskers on you because I thought it would be funny, and it was!
Kirito
Um, yeah? You were asleep. What else would I have done?
Asuna
*Between stammers* Well... I... I-I mean... Y-You know... You- You could have... like...
Asuna
You wanna get something to eat?
Cut to Floor 57: Martin, at a restaurant named "Restaurant".
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Ah, Restaurant. The finest cuisine in all of Aincrad.
Asuna
Oh my god! Are you really gonna complain about a free meal? *Sigh* Serves me right for trying to do something nice for you.
Kirito
Yeah, remind me to draw on your face more often. I'll eat like a king. Or at least a very wealthy janitor.
Asuna
*Scoffs* This coming from the guy who ate random plants off the ground?
Kirito
Oh really? Well, who's dumber? Me, or the one who takes a nap next to some crazed drug fiend?
Asuna
Need I remind you that you were that drug fiend?
Kirito
Pfft, I can't be held responsible for Stoned Kirito! That guy's an idiot!
Asuna
Are you kidding me?! You're the same person!
They hear a woman scream from outside.
Kirito
Ohhh, looks like we are out of time! We'll have to continue this next week, but in the mean time, please enjoy these lovely consolation prizes from the "Kirito is Always Right Foundation"!
Asuna
Oh... my god, you're insufferable.
They run out to see a man impaled with a sword and hanging from a tower.
Kirito
Huh, look. A human piñata.
Kirito
Uh, correction: He's suffering. The town's a Safe Zone. Probably hurts like a bitch, but he's not gonna die in here.
Kirito
Hey, man! When you pop, could you try to send the candy over this way?!
Asuna
*Exasperated sigh* I'm gonna go cut him down, you jackass!
Kirito
I'll save you a Kit Kat!
Asuna goes inside the tower, while Kirito runs towards the man.
Kirito
Hey, anybody got, like, a 30 foot stick?! I wanna take a crack at this thing!
Kirito
Oh, don't be such a drama queen. Asuna's gonna have you down any-
The man appears to die, his Avatar explodes and the sword drops to the ground.
Kirito
Huh... So, did anyone see where the candy went, or...?
Asuna
For Christ's sake, Kirito! A man just died! Let it go!
Kirito
Once again, Asuna, you can't die in a Safe Zone! It must have been an event or a prank! Someone messing with an NPC!
Asuna
Oh, yeah! That's a real hilarious prank!
Kirito
I know, right? Kinda sad I didn't think of it.
A girl named Yolko walks out of the crowd toward them.
Yolko
Um, excuse me. My name is Yolko. I... knew the man who just died.
Kirito
*Laughs awkwardly* You, uh... You mean the NPC... right?
Yolko
N-No. His name was Kains. We came into town to have dinner, but we got separated... and then... Oh god!
Yolko starts crying, while Asuna holds her.
Asuna
So... the "Kirito is Always Right Foundation"?
Kirito
We're uh... going through a bit of a rough patch.
Kirito and Asuna drop Yolko off at her hotel.
Yolko
Thank you for walking me to my hotel. I don't really feel safe walking alone right now.
Asuna
It's no trouble. But we'd like to ask you some more questions tomorrow, if that's alright.
Kirito
Yeah, and don't worry. No one could possibly get to you in there, since we're in a safe... zone...
Kirito
*Awkwardly* Good night.
Kirito and Asuna go for a walk.
Kirito
Alright. Let's review: We heard a scream, ran outside, and saw the victim, hung by the neck, with a sword through his chest. I don't think it's a coincidence that this took place in the town square during the dinner rush. Someone wanted this to be seen.
Asuna
Ah, yes. But that just raises a bigger question.
Kirito
Oh? And what's that?
Asuna
Why do you even care?!
Kirito
I'm sorry. Are you asking me why I care that a man was killed?
Asuna
No, I'm asking why you care that a man was killed!
Kirito
Forgive me, but I don't follow.
Asuna
Well, let's see. Most people would, charitably, refer to you as the "Crown Prince of Douchebags", long may he reign. Your usual reaction to human suffering is to pull up a chair and crack out the popcorn! What's your angle?!
Kirito
Asuna, I am shocked and appalled that that is your opinion of me! All I want is to see justice served, and to bring that poor girl some closure.
Asuna
Really? You care that much, huh? What's her name?
Asuna
The girl's name. What... was it?
Kirito
Well, um, y-you know, it, um, st- uh... d'uh... starts with an "A"...
Kirito
Right, "Y", of course! That's close. I mean, they're basically neighbors. You can understand my mistake.
Kirito
It's uh, Yo... Yo... Yo... Ya... Yooooooga Pants...?
Kirito
Okay, fine! God! I just wanna prove I was right! There's no way that guy's really dead; there's something else going on here, and I'm gonna prove it.
Asuna
Wow, how noble of you.
Kirito
Oh, spare me, Wonder Woman. You're only doing this to prove I was wrong!
Asuna
Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!
Kirito
Yeah, whatever, uh- Wait, "pretend"?
Cut to Floor 50: Algade, with Kirito and Asuna outside a shop. Kirito enters.
Kirito
Hey, Thunder Lion! How's it hanging?
Tiffany gets up from behind the counter.
Tiffany
Kirito? Well, if it isn't my least favorite customer.
Kirito
Aw, you just say that 'cause I'm not dumb enough to buy any of your crap.
Tiffany
Yeah, well, if there's one upside to being trapped with these idiots, it's that they'll buy pretty much anything.
Asuna enters the shop, Tiffany gasp upon seeing her and pulls Kirito behind the counter, causing Kirito to shriek.
Tiffany
What's the matter with you?! Why would you bring her here?! I thought we were friends!
Kirito
What?! I don't understand?! What's the problem?!
Asuna
*Awkwardly* Hey T-Dawg. What is up in dis... hizouse?
There's a brief silence before Kirito begins weeps softly.
Kirito
*Sniff* There's just so much beauty in the world, you know?!
Cut to the three of them upstairs.
Asuna
So dat's da sitch. Think you can scope da deets on dis gat for us, homey?
There is a long uncomfortable silence as Tiffany glares at Asuna. He then turns to Kirito.
Tiffany
Sure thing, Kirito. Anything for a friend.
Asuna
Um, but I'm da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain.
Asuna
Why you ignoring me, bro?
Asuna
You got cotton in your ears? OH GOD! I-I didn't mean it like that!
Kirito
i'm really sorry, tiff. grand wizard asuna here's not what you'd call a "people person".
Asuna
Um, excuse me?! Mr. Kettle? Mr. Pot called. HE SAYS YOU'RE BLAAAAaaaaaaaa... ck.
Tiffany
What? It's a turn of phrase. It has nothing to do with race.
Asuna
I'm sorry. It's just, you look like a very angry black man.
Tiffany
Okay, now you see dat? Dat was racist.
Kirito
Aw, this is great. See? We're learning stuff. But in all seriousness, Tiff. Could you check out this weapon before Asuna starts a full-on race war?
Tiffany
I'll try. But appraising a weapon like this ain't gonna be easy.
Tiffany picks up the sword. He then opens his menu and pushes one button.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Wow. I can see you've really mastered your craft.
Tiffany
Hmm, "Guilty Thorn". Says it's player-made. Guy by the name of Grimlock. Other than that, nothing weird about it. Certainly nothing that'd let you kill in a Safe Zone.
He hands the sword to Kirito.
Kirito
Hmm... Well, only one way to be sure.
Kirito goes to stab his hand with the sword, but Asuna stops him.
Asuna
Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing?!
Kirito
Well, clearly, I'm stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me- Oh god, what am I doing?
Asuna
This things too dangerous for you to screw around with!
Asuna thrusts the sword into Tiffany's face.
Asuna
Here, T-Fizzle, you take it!
Tiffany
Ah, handin' da black man a murder weapon. Tale as old as time.
Cut to the next day, with Kirito, Asuna, and Yolko in Restaurant.
Kirito
Oh, wow. Restaurant. I haven't been here in... hours! Glad to see the old place hasn't changed.
Asuna
Do you really hate this place that much, or do you just love the sound your own voice?
Kirito
It's my gift to the world.
Asuna
Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but the world wants a gift receipt.
Kirito
No refunds or exchanges. Only store credit.
Yolko
Uh, I'm sorry. D-Didn't you want to ask me some questions?
Kirito
Shhhhh. The grown-ups are talking.
Asuna
Kirito! *Sigh* I'm sorry Yolko, but have you ever heard of a player named... "Grimlock"?
Kirito
Well, that seems pretty definitive. So, how do you know this guy? According to our investigation, he's the one who forged the sword that was used in the... incident.
Kirito
Really? Then show me the body!
Asuna
It's SAO! There's never a body!
Kirito
Well, isn't that convenient?
Yolko
C-Can I just jump back in here?
Kirito
Yes, please! Maybe you can clear this up. Was there any reason Kains would've wanted to... fake his death?
Yolko
*Panicked* What?! F-Fake his death? You mean... Kains isn't dead?
Asuna
No, of course he's dead.
Yolko
*Relieved* Oh... uh, right.
Kirito
Now Asuna, you can't prove that he's dead. Let me give this poor girl some hope.
Asuna
Oh, don't even pretend that's what you're doing!
Kirito
*Groans* Fine Asuna. I'll humor you. Yolko, why would Grimlock have wanted to make sweet love to your friend's chest with the business end of a broadsword?
Asuna
Jesus Christ, Kirito!
Kirito
What? I asked her! Jeez, I just can't win with you.
Yolko
Um... well. It might have had something to do with his wife's murder.
Cut to a stylized flashback.
Yolko
Six months ago, the Guild that Kains, Grimlock, and I were part of found an extremely valuable item. Rather than fight over it, we decided to sell it and split the profits. But when Grimlock's wife, Griselda, went out to make the sale, she was killed.
Yolko
Since we were the only ones who knew about the item, we realized the killer had to be one of us, and the Guild just... fell apart.
Asuna
Well, that sounds like motive to me.
Kirito
Yeah, I've killed for less.
Asuna
But why would Grimlock have suspected Kains?
Yolko
Well, when I said we decided to sell the item, it wasn't exactly unanimous. Kains, I, and another player voted to keep it. *Disdainfully* A lancer named Schmitt.
Asuna
Sounds like you're not a fan.
Yolko
What?! No! We're still good friends, actually.
Kirito
Schmitt, Schmitt. Why does that name sound familiar?
Kirito
I think so- OH GOD, NO!!!
Cuts to the hotel with Yolko, Schmitt, Kirito, and Asuna.
Schmitt
I knew it! They're finally coming for me! It was only a matter of time! The walls are closing in!
Asuna
Is he always like this?
Yolko
Only when he's stressed.
Asuna
*Sigh* Well, that's a relief-
Kirito
He's always stressed.
Yolko
He used to review games back in the real world, but ever since he got trapped in here, he's been terrified that his more... "verbose" commenters are going to make good on their threats.
Schmitt
I used to laugh at their comments. You hear me?! LAUGH! But now?! What if they actually do chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan!
Kirito
You hear that, Asuna? "Meat toboggan". Try getting that image out of your head. Grippin' his entrails like the reign of Santa's sleigh. Streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake... "Why?"
Asuna
Would you just shut up and let her handle this! Go on, Yolko.
Yolko
Calm down. No one's going to kill you over your reviews, Schmitt.
Schmitt
Really? Are you sure? My viewers... aren't coming for me?
Yolko
That's right. But Grimlock is. And he's coming to deliver righteous vengeance upon us.
Schmitt makes a terrified shudder.
Asuna
This... may have been a mistake.
Kirito
I disagree. I think you've got a real flair for this.
Yolko gets out of her seat.
Yolko
Wait, no. That can't be it. Kains was killed in a Safe Zone. Grimlock couldn't be the killer.
Kirito
Thank you! Finally, a voice of reason.
Yolko
IT MUST'VE BEEN GRISELDA'S GHOST!!! SHE'S RETURNED FROM BEYOND THE VEIL OF DEATH TO WREAK BLOODY VENGEANCE UPON US ALL!!!!!!!
Kirito
Did I say "reason"? Sorry, I meant the screaming monkeys that live in her brain.
Yolko sits down on the windowsill.
Yolko
It's all our fault. We should have just done whatever Griselda wanted. There's no stopping her judgement now.
Schmitt
And you're okay with this?! I don't know about you, but I have a duty to my fans to survive this game. I mean, to the ones who aren't threatening to use my spine as a pitching wedge.
Asuna
Settle down you two! I think we can safely assume a ghost is not the culprit here. Right, Kirito?
Kirito
Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the Mermaid Mafia paid in Leprechaun Gold! But who was the puppetmaster? The Unicorns? No, they've had a feud going with the Mermaids for years...
Asuna
Dammit, Kirito! This is serious! These people's lives are in danger!
Kirito
No, they're not! For the last time! You can't die in a Safe Zone!
Yolko gets stabbed in the back and falls out the window.
Kirito runs to the window to see Yolko hit the ground and exploding.
Asuna
Kirito, is she okay?!
Kirito
Well, I'm not a doctor, but... I don't like her chances.
Comments
✰ thคຖthคr ✰
keep it up author 🙂😊
2020-10-07
1