Episode 3
The picture in the book transition to when it was taken, April 8, 2023, Floor 11, Taft. Inside the tavern a Guild of five people, called the Moonlit Black Cats, are at Kirito's table. They clink their cups together in a toast.
Moonlit Black Cats
To Kirito!
Kirito
Who are you people and why are you at my table?
The leader, Keita turns to Kirito.
Keita
Ah, Kirito. Can I call ya Kirito?
Keita
Here's the thing, Kirito. I couldn't help but noticing while I was rifling through your character page-
Kirito
I thought I had that set to private...
Keita
...that YOU... are not associated with any Guilds! So, the crew and I, I call them the crew by the way, were thinking that you... should join our Guild.
Kirito
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Keita
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Am I really worthy to join these awesome dudes?"
Kirito
I've literally never thought that about anyone.
Keita
But let me assure you. We could certainly use someone with your... assets.
Keita looks at Kirito's level, which is at Level 40, and moans with delight. The only girl in the Guild, Sachi, looks annoyed by this.
Kirito
Hey! Hey! My eyes are down here!
Keita
*Laughing* Right, right. So, whaddya say, Ki? Can I call ya "Ki"?
Keita
Mmm hmm, I see. And what if I put on this hat?
Keita puts on a hat, a message pops up saying "+50 CHR".
Kirito
Oh, don't be ridiculous- What the hell am I signing?
Kirito, under the influence of Keita's Charisma Hat, signs a Guild charter, which makes him a member of the Guild.
Keita
To the newest member of the Moonlit Black Cats! To Kirito!
Keita
So, let me introduce you to the crew. I call them the crew, by the way.
Keita
This here is Sachi... and, uh, the rest are NPCs.
Keita
Yeah, they're all companions from different quests! They help ya fight, and as long as you never finish, they stay with you!
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 2
The bandits are coming!
Kirito
Um, is that important?
Keita
Nah, it's part of the quest. They say that, like, every 4 seconds.
NPC 3
Always remember. To jump: Jump!
Keita
And, uh, he's from the tutorial. It's not a good tutorial.
NPC 3
Winners don't use drugs! Except steroids! In which case, use lots of drugs!
Kirito
Wait, so, you never finished the tutorial?
Keita
Hey, just because I can't play the game, doesn't mean I can't... "play the game". Wink.
Kirito
I feel like you don't know how winking works.
Sachi
Th- Thank you for joining our Guild, Mr. Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Kirito.
Sachi glitches as she talks.
Kirito
Sweet merciful Buddha, what the ****?!
Keita
Now, now. Don't panic. Sachi just lives out in the boonies, so her internet connection is kinda shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi...
Sachi's lag spreads to Keita.
Fade into May 16, 2023. Kirito steps out of a warp pad and a message from Keita appears. Kirito plays it.
Keita
Hey, Kirito, buddy. Sachi kinda ran off and we don't know where she went. Could you be a pal and track her down? I'd look for her myself, but the NPCs are sorta blocking the door and I can't get out.
NPC 1
We must save my family!
Keita
MOVE!!! *Groans* Listen buddy, I'm gonna need your help sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think this is a two-man job.
NPC 3
You've been playing for *Robotic voice* 4608 *Normal voice* hours. Maybe you should take a break.
Keita
I would if I could, Mom! But that's not really an option now, is it?! *Sigh* Now he's is clipping through the wall. This is just perfect. *Groans* So, yeah, if you could just take care of that for me, that'd be great.
Kirito
Yeah, good luck with that, Keita. It's my day off.
Keita
And because I know it's your day off, I went ahead and included a little motivation.
Kirito
Riiight. Keita when have you ever had anything I-
A picture the Charisma Hat appears. Kirito activates Detection and runs off.
Kirito
I HATE THAT GODDAMN HAT!
Cuts to Sachi under a bridge. Kirito appears with his eyes glowing.
Kirito
Yo, Sachi. Keita said you ran off or-
Sachi
Jesus Christ! What's wrong with your eyes?!
Kirito
What?! Oh right, Detective Mode. One sec.
Kirito turns it off. His eyes start sizzling and he groans in pain.
Kirito
Oh, that's brisk...!
Sachi
Is it supposed to hurt like that?
Kirito
I don't think so. Unless the game was developed by a sadist!
Kirito
Yeah, I heard it! So anyway, I figure I got about... oh, 5 minutes before I black out from the pain. So, Princess. Why'd you run off?
Sachi
Because... I'm terrified my lag is going to get me and everyone I love killed.
Kirito
Well shit, I don't know how to mock that... Oh god! That's never happened before!
Sachi
Well, maybe this is something you don't need to mock.
Kirito
Uh, *Coughs/laughs* okay. But then what's the point of other people if not to mock them?
Sachi
You know, I'm starting to see why people think you're an asshole.
Kirito
People think I'm an asshole?!
Kirito
Wow, Sachi. You've really opened my eyes! I've been such a jerk! Well, no more. You're looking at a whole new Kirito. From now on, I'm gonna be nicer, and show people the compassion they deserve!
Sachi
So, can we talk about my problems now?
Sachi
*Disappointed* Oh... Hey, I thought you said you were gonna black out from the pain.
Kirito
Oh yeah. *Sniff* Guess I'm just a lot tougher than I thou-
Kirito's eyes start sizzling as he screams in pain.
Cut to June 21, 2023, with the Guild at the inn.
Keita
Hey crew, I know you guys have been working really hard, and I've got some good news!
Keita
A-And some bad news. The good news is, we're in debt to the Mob! No, wait, that's the bad news. Also, there's no good news.
Sachi
There's a Mob in this game?!
Keita
Uhhhhh, yeah, I may have promised some... let's say "unsavory" individuals that I could duplicate their rare item, and, well, it turns out that got patched.
Kirito
So, then why don't you just give back their item?
Keita
*Laughing awkwardly* Yeah, well, here's the thing. I kinda sold it, and now...
NPC 2
The bandits are coming!
Keita
Precisely! But the Don says all will be forgiven if we replace the item.
Kirito
Well, okay. That doesn't sound too-
Keita
It only drops on the 27th Floor.
Keita
Well, uh, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of... and multiply it by cancer.
The Guild leans back in shock.
Keita
But you'll do fine! You've got Kirito! And he's practically carrying this crew!
Keita
So, on that note, what do you guys think?
Kirito
Well, no offence. But that is the most-
Kirito stops himself when he realizes Sachi is glaring at him.
Kirito
*Faking a smile* ...probably fine idea I've ever heard!
Keita
That's a weird way to phrase that.
Kirito
Don't push me on this.
Keita
Alright! So, we got us a game plan!
Sachi
W-Wait, you didn't say what you're doing in all this.
Keita
Well, the thing about that is...
Hard cut to June 22, 2023. Keita is on a warp pad in the town square with the hat on his head.
Kirito
We really need to take that hat away from him.
Cut to June 22, 2023, Floor 27: Labyrinth. The Guild are searching for the item.
Kirito
God, we've been looking for hours. Where is this stupid thing supposed to drop, anyway?
Sachi
Uh, Kirito? Did Keita even tell us which item we're looking for?
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 1 opens a secret door, revealing a small chest in a large room.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys. Even we're not dumb enough to fall for this...
Kirito
Sachi? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?
Sachi
Yeah. I thought it would save time.
Alarms blare, the lights turn red and the door closes behind them.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh yeah. We're sprinting to our deaths at RECORD SPEED!
Sachi
Well, it might not be a trap. Maybe we just won a prize, or something.
Slaughternauts and Murder-Golems spawn in the room.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh wow! Slaughternauts AND Murder-Golems?! It must be my BIRTHDAY!!!
Sachi
I thought you were gonna be nicer.
Sachi
It's okay! We'll just grab one of the Teleport Crystals from Gary!
Kirito
WHO THE **** IS GARY?!
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 1 holds up a Teleport Crystal and teleports out.
Kirito
OF COURSE IT WAS!!!
Sachi
No, no, no, it's fine! Charlie's got a bunch of health potions!
Kirito
Which one's Charlie?!
Kirito
Never mind! I got it!
Kirito
OH GOD, STOP! Look, we're just gonna have to fight our way out!
Sachi
Okay. I'm scared, but I trust you-ou-ou-ou-ou-
A Golem hits Sachi in the back as she is lagging, fatally wounding her.
Sachi
Kirito... This isn't... your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- YOOOOUUUUR FAAAAUUUULT.
Sachi's lag causes her to glitch out, in a horrifyingly scarring manner, and she dies.
Kirito is seen in the woods looking for something, as we hear the memory of an info broker.
BallsDeep69 and his Guild appear.
Kirito
That was... unsettling. What the hell was that?
Klein
*Sighs* I correct people so often, they think it's how I say hello.
Kirito
Well, that's unfortunate.
Klein
Yeah, no kidding. So, what are you doing out here?
Kirito
Eh, I've been having this weird pain in my chest. I was hoping this rare item might be able to fix it.
Klein
Well, that's strange. What do you think caused it?
Kirito
Well, I suppose it started right after I watched my entire Guild get slaughtered. But, I mean, I didn't take any damage, so that can't be it...
BallsDeep69 is shocked over the stupidity of Kirito's statement.
Suddenly, the Mob teleports in.
Mobster
Kirito. As the sole survivor of the Midnight Black Cats, the debt naturally falls to you. The Don sends his regards.
Klein
Well, as many question as this raises, I'm gonna keep this brief. Kirito, you're not injured, you're sad that all your friends died.
Kirito
Wow, I never thought about it like that.
Klein
Yeah, big shock, ya friggin' sociopath. Look, I've heard rumors that item might be able to rez players. It's a long shot, but you owe it to yourself to try. Go on ahead. We'll hold them off.
Kirito
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you... Klein.
Klein makes a whimper of delight. Kirito runs off.
Guild Member
Hey boss, who's Klein?
Kirito
Don't ruin this for me!
Kirito arrives in front of the tree.
A Boss named Nicholas: The Renegade crashes onto the ground, looking horrifying.
Nicholas roars as Kirito runs towards him while making a battle cry. Fade to white. Fade back to an exhausted Klein and his Guild, having chased off the Mob. Kirito steps out of the portal and walks toward Klein and the Guild.
Klein
Kirito, how'd it go? Did you win?
Kirito looks emotionally drained.
Kirito
Does this look like the face of victory to you?
Kirito throws Klein the item. He opens it and a hat appears on his head. The same hat Keita used.
Kirito
It's a hat. It's a god... damn... hat.
Klein
Well, what do you wanna do with it?
Kirito
Wear it. Poop in it. I really don't care anymore. But, I do suppose I should thank you. You made me realize that by being nice and letting people in... they'll just die. But even still, thank you for showing me that there's still a part of me that can feel like this. Because now that I know where to find it, I've killed it forever. So, thank you. Thank you for freeing me... Balls.
Kirito walks off. Balls grabs his coat to stop him.
Klein
*On the verge of tears* No. No! You were so close! You were almost a person! *Crying* YOU WERE SO CLOSE!!!
BallsDeep69 breaks down crying.
Comments
✰ thคຖthคr ✰
thank you very much for chat story ☺️
2020-10-02
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