Episode 2
Narrator
A month had passed since that fateful day. When everyone's world got all twisted, leaving them stranded in a castle in the sky. Since then, 2000 poor souls came to an abrupt and tragic end. Some by bad luck, others by sheer stupidity. I mean, really. Why would you just stand in fire? Anyways, that didn't bother The Kid none. He only cared about one thing, and one thing alone. Himself. 'Cuz in a game of life or death, you either live... or you die.
The scene transitions to Kirito leaning against a wall.
Kirito
Oh, WOW. What brilliant insight! It's so deep it loops right back around to being stupid.
Narrator
The Kid ranted at no one, it slowly dawning just how alone he truly was.
Kirito
Wait, what was that?
Narrator
He asked the sky, like a preacher to his silent gods.
Kirito
What gods? What are you talking about?! It's all bullshit metaphors with you!
Narrator
He cried, not knowing the difference between a simile and a metaphor. The tininess of his brain dwarfed only by the tininess of his di-
Narrator
YOUCANSILENCEMEBUTYOUCAN'TSILENCETHETRU-
Kirito turns the Narrator off
Fade in to December 2, 2022 on a strategy meeting lead by Diabel.
Diabel
Hey everyone. Thank you all for coming to our little powwow. Now, I know many of you may be discouraged by the fact that 2000 people have died so far.
Random 2
2000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD?!
NPC 1
IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A MONTH YET!
NPC 2
OH MY GOD, WE REALLY ARE FUCKED!
Diabel
And I know even more of you are a little down because we haven't even cleared the 1st Floor yet.
NPC 2
I THOUGHT WE WERE ALMOST DONE...!
Diabel
Uhhhh, you guys do know there are 100 Floors, right?
Diabel
Oh jeez, I am just making things worse. Point is, we found the Boss Room!
Diabel
Now, we've formulated a few strategies with some help from the beta testers-
A player named Kibaou jumps in.
Diabel
Kibaou, what do you want?
Kibaou
Beta testers? They're the reason we're stuck in this game!
Diabel
What?! Do you have any evidence to back that up?
Kibaou
Pfft! Evidence. I don't need no evidence. Isn't that right, Jesus?
Kibous points to a player named "Jesus".
Tiffany
It's pronounced "Hey-Zeus", and I don't know you.
Kibaou
Well, they still should have helped us newbies!
Tiffany
If I might interject...
A big, muscular black man gets up and comes to the stage.
Kibaou
And who the hell are you?!
Tiffany
I am known by many names: "Mountain Slayer", "Thunder Lion", "The Chocolate Axe". But you? You may call me... "Tiffany".
Kibaou
T-Tiffany, huh? That's a... pretty masculine name.
Tiffany
Shouldn't be. It's a woman's name.
Kibaou
...Kay, I don't know how to talk to you.
Tiffany
Good. Then you can shut up and listen. Does everyone here have this book in their inventory?
NPC 3
No... Wait, can I change my answer?
Tiffany
This book is full of tips and strategies on how to survive this game, put together by the beta testers. Everyone read it, yet some people still died. The beta testers did everything they could.
Random 2
Actually, I didn't read it.
NPC 1
Yeah, I didn't read it either.
Tiffany
What? Didn't ANY of you read it?! It is literally a matter of life and death.
Random 2
Well, dude. It's, like, 80 pages.
Tiffany
2000 people are dead!
Brief pause. Kirito looks shocked at their stupidity.
Tiffany
I am so done with you people.
Random 2
What do you mean "you people"?
Tiffany and Kibaou take their seats.
Diabel
So, as Mister Thunder Chocolate was saying, this book has some great strategies, including how to beat the 1st Boss, Illfang.
Diabel clears his throat and starts reading from the guide.
Diabel
"So, as you enter the Boss Room, he's gonna throw wave after wave of disposable minions at you... and you must answer in kind."...?
Diabel
"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines."
Kibaou
Ha, serves 'em right!
Diabel
"If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines."
Diabel
"If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."
Guild Member
THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!!
Diabel
Now, now, people. I think there are some valid points being made here. Now, it goes on to say when Illfang's health goes into the red, he's going to switch from his axe and buckler to something called a "Talwar". At that point we should initiate a strategy called "The Final Solution" and- I'm just gonna stop reading! Jesus, who wrote this thing?
Diabel
Okay, so the guide's a bust. But it'll be fine. I'll come up with a great plan for us.
Diabel
Well... we... could... Uh... Uhhhh... I'm open to suggestions.
Random 8
Whoa, guys, we could- we could, you know, like, group up and-
Random 9
And hit it 'til it DIES!!!
Diabel
That's... a good start. But... let's hear some other suggestions.
Random 9
*German accent* I'd like to hear more about this "Final Solution".
Kirito slides down the seats towards a girl, named Asuna, who's on her own.
Kirito
Sooooo, why aren't, uh, you joining anyone's group?
Kirito
Is it because you're a girl?
Asuna
No. It's because... I don't know how to play.
Kirito
Because you're a girl?
Asuna
NO! It's just... I don't know how to open the menu.
Kirito
What?! But you can't do anything in this game without the menu. How have you survived all month?
Cut to Asuna holding a piece of bread. She is staring at it intensely.
Asuna
HOW DO I EAT YOU?!!!
Asuna
It's... been a challenge... What about you? Why haven't you join the others?
Kirito
Oh, lots of reasons. Mostly because they're a bunch of mouth-breathing neckbeards who think "LMAO" is how French people laugh.
NPC 1
Ha ha, that's so Le Mao!!!
Asuna
Wow. You certainly... speak from the heart.
Kirito
Funny, I thought I was speaking from my mouth. But, eh, shows what I know about biology.
Asuna
No one else wanted you in their group, did they?
Kirito
Shut up! It was mutual!
Diabel
Alright, looks like everyone's grouped up. Get plenty of rest tonight, people! We leave at noon!
Diabel
*Sigh* Alright. What about 1 o'clock?
Random 8
1? Dude, come on!
Diabel
*Groans* God, fine! We leave at the crack of... 2:30, I guess. Lazy butts...
NPC 2
Christ, I'm gonna have to set my alarm.
Cuts to December 3, 2022 Floor 1: Illfang's Tower, 7:30pm. Everyone's at the Boss Door and everyone except Diabel is exhausted.
Diabel
Okay, so there were a few more stairs than we realized. Apparently real life athletic ability translates into the game. Good to know.
NPC 2
*Exhausted* Oh, god. I can feel my lungs trying to kill me.
NPC 1
*Exhausted* Is this sweat?!
Diabel
Jesus, this is sad.
Diabel
**** it. Why don't you all just take a Cheetos and Mountain Dew break, and we'll reconvene in an hour.
1960s Batman-esque transition with Cheetos and Mountain Dew.
Diabel
Dammit, guys! I was kidding! You weren't actually supposed to take an hour! God, we've lost so much time. Let's just do this already! You all know the plan!
The players enter the Boss Room, and which lights up. Illfang jumps into the center of the room and roars. Three Ruin Kobold Sentinels spawn in to protect Illfang. Two of them snarl, and an error message pops up on the third one that says "Error: "Sentinel_Shriek.wav" not found."
Diabel
Alright, men! Form up and-
Random 5
EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!
The armies converge on each other.
Diabel
What?! No! Goddammit guys! Squad B, quit attacking the Boss and keep Sentinels off us! C and D, stop attacking from the front! Do you even know what "flank" means?! Squad F, for ****'s sake! Stop playing Bejeweled! *Groans* Squad G, get in there and help A and B!
Diabel
Don't talk back to... Holy shit, really?!
Kirito attacks a Sentinel, leaving Asuna to finish it off.
Kirito
Okay, Asuna! What you're gonna wanna do here is-
Asuna lets out a Battle Cry and kills the Sentinel in one hit.
Kirito
Wow, I thought she was hopeless, but her technique is flawless. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was even better than I-
Asuna
Hey Kirito! I killed the thing and now it says I have XPs! Is that bad? Am I dying?!
Kirito
Or... maybe... not.
Illfang's health drops into the red. He snarls at the players and he tosses his weapons.
Diabel
Alright, men! This last part's gonna take careful coordination... which is why I'm just gonna do it myself!
Diabel charges his weapon art. Illfang draws his Nodachi.
Kirito
Oh shit! Diabel, look out! That's not a Talwar! It's a Nodachi!
Diabel
What's the difference?!
Kirito
Well, a Talwar is of Indian descent while a Nodachi is Japanese! While both are primarily slashing weapons, the Talwar was favored by cavalrymen, as opposed to a Nodachi which was mainly used for **** measuring!
As Kirito is talking, Illfang starts jumping off the walls.
Diabel
What's your point?!
Kirito
Well, if you let me finish, I was getting to that! You see...
Diabel gets hit by Illfang, screaming in pain.
Illfang hits Diabel again, sending him flying.
Illfang pops down in front of Kibaou and roars. Message pops up "Bonus Item: Soiled Pants".
Kirito runs over to Diabel.
Kirito
I was trying to say a Nodachi's a little bit longer than a Talwar, so it'll have more reach and do a bit more damage.
Diabel
*Weakly* And why couldn't you say that first?
Kirito
I like to think of myself as a teacher. Anyway, drink this.
Kirito tries to give Diabel a healing potion.
Diabel
No. It's better this way. I just can't do it anymore. I had such high hopes at first. But now? Our best player is a girl who thinks DPS is some kind of sex thing.
Kirito
I know. It's weird, right?
Diabel
You're clearly not like the rest of them. How do you stand it, Kirito? Where do you draw your strength?
Kirito
I've been playing MMO's a long time, Diabel, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. Just take that little voice in your head that tells you to be tactful and understanding... and shoot it. Shoot it in the goddamn face.
Diabel
You are so wise. If only I'd met you sooner. Perhaps, things would have been different. You must lead them now. Show them this game can be beaten.
Kirito
In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.
Kirito
Well, **** you too!
Asuna slips in by Kirito's side.
Asuna
Alright, Kirito. Here's what we'll do. One counters his blows to knock him off balance and the other switches in to attack. Rinse. Repeat. Victory.
Kirito
You came up with that, but you can't open a menu.
Illfang roars and they take off running toward him.
Kirito
Alright, so you counter and I'll attack!
Asuna
What? No, it's my plan! I should attack!
Kirito
Fine, just get ready!
Kirito makes a battle cry and counters Illfang's attack.
Asuna moves in and gets her cloak destroyed by Illfang before attacking.
Kirito
See? You almost got yourself killed! I'll attack him!
Asuna
Oh, that was a fluke, and you know it! He's mine!
Kirito blocks Illfang's next attack, but Asuna attacks him before Kirito can do so himself.
Kirito
NO! HE'S! MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!
Kirito slices Illfang and he explodes. Everyone is stunned. Lame party kazoo sound effect and a banner with the word "CONGRATULATION" appears.
Kirito is panting. He gets an item as a reward for defeating the Boss.
Tiffany
Congratulation! That was even more impressive than that cat that learned to play.
Cut to a player with a cat's head, with another player staring at it. The cat meows.
NPC 1
Oh my god! You guys can see it too?! So, I'm not crazy! Isn't that great, Jesus?!
We see things from the player's perceptive, with a giant hallucination of Jesus Christ looming over the crowd.
Random 5
That's right, Jeffrey. Now... kill them all.
Jeffrey
*Whispering* As you command, my Lord.
Cut back to Tiffany talking to Kirito. The other players are applauding his victory.
Tiffany
You've led us to victory, Kirito. These men and I will follow you to hell itself. Now... address your people.
Kirito
I always knew this day would come. Ahem. Fellow gamers! We have travelled far and up many stairs to get to this point. Fighting side by side, noobs and leets, alike. I'd like to take a moment to say that I couldn't have done it without the help of each and every one of you.
Tiffany
Aw, that's a nice thing to say-
Kirito
Of course, I'm not a liar, so I'm not gonna say any of that.
Kirito
I mean, really. I could've done this whole Boss Fight myself. But to be fair, I guess you did absorb a bit of damage for me, which was nice. You were an adequate meat shield, and no one can ever take that away from you.
Tiffany
****. ****! Shut up! SHUT UP!
Kirito
So, for those of you who came in late, and that one guy playing Bejeweled back there... shoot for the stars... it'll make it more fun when I kick you back into the dirt.
Kibaou
You're not better than us!
Kirito equips the coat he got for beating Illfang.
Kirito
My sweet-*** coat begs to differ.
NPC 1
Dammit, he's got us there.
Kirito ascends the stairs out of the Boss Room. Asuna follows him.
Kirito
I'm... sorry. What?!
Asuna
I want half the coat. I did half the work, I should get half the coat.
Kirito
No! It's not fabric I can cut! It's a bunch of 1s and 0s!
Asuna
Fine, then give me the 1s.
Kirito
**** you! I want the 1s! *Groans* I am not having this argument. I'm disolving this party.
Kirito opens his menu and "Disolves" their party.
Asuna
Kirito! If you walk away with my half the coat, I will make your life a living hell!
Kirito
You know what? Fine! I'll give you the damn coat! Just send me a trade request.
Kirito
Oh, it's quite simple really... Just open your menu.
Kirito starts laughing his *** off as he walks out the doors.
Asuna
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Comments
✰ thคຖthคr ✰
more updates please 😊
2020-09-29
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