chapter 2

Simon:

“Turn off the lights,” I grumble as soon as I wake up, throwing my arm over my eyes.

“They aren’t on, Simon,” Penny says quietly, sadly. I imagine that Baz has already told her what happened.

“It’s just the sun,” he says. I can hear the loathing back in his voice, and I know it’s aimed at himself, not me. I feel bad that I caused it, but I can’t regret it when I can finally feel power coursing under my skin again, when I finally feel alive again.

I hear the curtains being slid closed, and I move my arm. My eyes adjust to the dim light much faster than I would have expected. I sit up and look around. Baz is standing by the window, not looking at me. I’m surprised to see Penny hugging him.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know who I’m apologizing to. Both of them, I guess.

“Why, Simon?” Penny asks sadly. I stare at her for a moment, and she deflates. “No, don’t tell me. I understand why. I hate that I understand, but I do.”

I can hear her heartbeat from here. It distracts me for a minute, and I can feel my fangs growing out. I reach up and run my finger over them carefully. I always wondered what Baz’s fangs felt like.

When Baz can finally bring myself to look at me, he sees my teeth and immediately rushes over. “We should get you something to eat,” he says quietly. I know he isn’t talking about food. I nod in agreement. I’m thirsty. I’m so thirsty I feel like I could never drink enough to sate it.

“We’ll be back soon, okay, Penny?” I glance up at her and am once again caught up in the sound of her heartbeat. I can’t hear my own. I wonder whether I don’t have one, or if it’s just too soft for me to notice.

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Baz hunts for me. He seems almost scared to let me do it myself, though I don’t understand why. He catches and kills some rats, and I practically devour them. I’ve never been this thirsty in my life. Or is it hungry? I can still feel that human hunger, but I can’t tell the difference when it comes to my craving for blood.

When we’re done, Baz leads me to the river. “We should get you cleaned up,” he says. I look at my reflection in the water, and sure enough, there’s blood all over my face. It’s on my cuffs, too.

“How do you stay clean?” I ask.

“Too much practice,” he answers bitterly.

I splash my face and start to scrub at it, but jump at a sudden noise in the trees. I stare towards it until Baz rubs my arm comfortingly. “It’s just a twig breaking. Probably just a deer,” he says. “I know it sounds close, but it’s nowhere near us.”

I nod and go back to cleaning myself off, but all of the new sights and sounds prove too distracting. Baz huffs out a laugh and does it for me.

“I… It’s hard… When Penny’s around,” I say after a few minutes of hesitation. I don’t want to give Baz anything more to feel guilty about, but this is important. I have to learn to control it.

“I know,” he answers, frowning at the ground. “I’m sorry. It will get easier to suppress, after a while. I can keep her away until then, if you want.”

I don’t answer. I don’t want to be separated from my best friend. But I don’t want to hurt her, either.

On the walk back to our room, he’s impossibly patient. Even when I stop to listen to a conversation on the opposite side of a building, he just waits quietly.

“You’ll get used to it eventually,” he promises.

I don’t tell him that I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t tell him that I enjoy my new, stronger senses.

We eventually make it back, and I change into my pajama pants, but I feel restless. Baz watches me pace silently.

“I don’t want to sleep,” I eventually admit.

“Your new sensitivity to light changes the rhythms in your body. I didn’t think it would happen so quickly, though. You’ll want to be awake at night and asleep during the day. You’ll have to fight that if you don’t want to stand out, though.”

“Fine,” I huff, sitting on my bed. My knee starts bouncing, and I whine, “I don’t want to.”

Baz lets out a real laugh, and I count it as a victory. He turns off the light, but I can still see him clearly. “Go to sleep, Simon,” he insists.

I hesitate, but eventually ask, “Will you at least sleep with me?” I made him do something that I know he would never have wanted to do. I know he’ll stay to help me out of some ridiculous sense of obligation, but I don’t know where we stand now. It’s the first time I’ve brought it up since he Turned me.

Baz watches me silently for a moment, then sits up with a sad smile. “Of course I will,” he says. I lay down against the wall, and he climbs under the sheets next to me.

I take his hand, and after a minute, I whisper, “Thank you.” I know it’s not what he wants to hear, and I’m not surprised when he doesn’t answer. I feel terrible for what I’ve put him through, both in forcing him to do this and in being miserable and unresponsive over the past week. He stayed, though. He doesn’t have to be, but he’s still here, and it’s made something clearer than ever.

“I love you,” I whisper. I’m far more scared of those words than I was of becoming a vampire. I’m more scared of those words than I was of facing off against the Humdrum. Saying them may actually be the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

Baz blinks at me in surprise for a few moments, then presses a kiss to my knuckles. “I love you, too.”

I smile, relieved, and close my eyes.

I don’t fall asleep for a very long time.

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