Part 3

Banana Bureau Bonanza

Kind of Like VeggieTales, But with More 80-ocracy—Because People Are Like Vegetables: They Don’t Want to Think, and the Vegetarians Are About to Turn Us All Carnivore

Special thanks and side-eye to VeggieTales for paving the way.

Learn more about the original at: www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Episode: “Cartel Cuddles: The Teddy Bears of Terror”

BBB (Host, stepping up with a sly grin):

“Alright, fruit salad, tonight we’re peeling back the tough exterior of the cartel and revealing the fluff underneath. That’s right—the so-called kings of crime? More like teddy bears with a bad attitude and a questionable snack stash. Let’s get real.”

Felicia the Fork’s Entrance Ditty (for Episode 3: Cartel Cuddles & Claws)

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They roar like lions, but they’re soft as fur,

Cartel teddy bears with a growl and a purr.

Don’t be fooled by the guns and the scars,

They’re just fuzzy fellas with candy bars!

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Felicia the Fork (brandishing her fork, smirking):

“You want to talk cartel? Please. These guys aren’t the monsters bedtime stories warned you about—they’re more like oversized stuffed animals who got lost on the way to a tea party. People don’t break for no reason, sure, but let’s not pretend these teddy bears don’t have a whole lot of fluff hiding behind those scary faces.

They bark loud, but mostly they’re just trying to keep warm in a world that’s colder than their fake leather jackets. So yeah, I’m a T-hugger—hugging the truth and the thugs alike. Because sometimes the only difference between you and them is a bad day and a worse therapist.”

Dealer Dijon:

“Look, these cartel guys act like they’re running the show, but half the time they’re just bumbling bears trying to find their honey pot. The real danger? Their ego. The real crime? Acting like they’re the kings of the jungle when they’re really just the clumsiest cubs in the forest.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“And don’t get me started on their ‘fear factor.’ The only thing scary about them is how they can’t keep their paws off the cookie jar. They’re less cartel, more cuddly club—if your teddy bear had a bad day and decided to throw a tantrum with a machine gun.”

Criminal Mustard:

“I’ve seen scarier things in a daycare center. At least the kids there know how to share. These guys? They’re just territorial teddy bears fighting over who gets the last gummy bear.”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“People want to demonize the cartel, but I see the struggle behind the growls. They’re lost souls, more in need of hugs than hits. So if you want to call me a T-hugger, fine. I’ll hug the truth and the teddy bears too.”

Felicia the Fork (closing the episode):

“So next time you hear about cartel violence, just picture a bunch of oversized teddy bears having a bad day—grumpy, loud, and a little confused about where the snacks went. Because underneath all the noise, that’s really what they are. And maybe, just maybe, if we start seeing the fluff, we can start fixing the fight.”

Felicia the Fork (smirking, fork raised):

“By the way, I don’t need a penis to be king. I’m rewriting the rules—because power isn’t about what you’ve got, it’s about what you do with it.”

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I’m gonna be the Kingpin, oh yes, it’s true,

No crown, no throne, just a fork and a view!

No need for a scepter, no need for a ring,

I just can’t wait to be Kingpin!

Everybody’s gonna love the new boss in town,

Gonna wear my own crown, ain’t no need to frown!

I’m the boss with the sauce, the queen with the zing,

Oh, I just can’t wait to be Kingpin!

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