Part 2

Banana Bureau Bonanza

Kind of Like VeggieTales, But with More 80-ocracy—Because People Are Like Vegetables: They Don’t Want to Think, and the Vegetarians Are About to Turn Us All Carnivore

Special thanks and side-eye to VeggieTales for paving the way.

Learn more about the original at: www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Episode: “Aisle 5, Gringos, and the Vatican Sack Race”

BBB (Host, strutting to the podium, sunglasses glinting):

“Welcome back, fruit salad! Tonight’s episode: language barriers, aisle five confessions, and why the only thing drier than a San Quintín wheat harvest is a George Lopez punchline at a Kamala Harris rally. Don’t worry, we’re keeping it PG-13—unless you’re counting my last relationship, which was more MS-13, but with fewer hugs and more inside jokes.”

Felicia the Fork’s Entrance Ditty (for Episode 2: Language, Laughs & Holy Rollers)

🎶

If you can’t roll your R’s, just roll with me,

Flashcards in hand, no Spanish degree!

From aisle five to the Pope’s big reveal,

We’re serving up roasts with a side of real!

🎶

Felicia the Fork (waving a flashcard, grinning):

“I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it’s not on a flashcard, don’t expect me to roll my R’s. Breathe, or don’t! We blind, we can’t see you mix, so I guess whites are me. My ex said I can’t snowbird yet—huh? Guess I’m stuck in aisle 5 with the rest of the gringos, asking, ‘¿Quiere una bolsa?’ and hoping they don’t reply too fast.”

Dealer Dijon:

“Hate to say it, George Lopez, I know you love L.A.—shhh, ever heard of Bahía de los Ángeles? You were there, but you can’t sell Ed or sin dick, hated like me but hey, not ho! Can you even tell California from Baja? Quick—San Quintín, PR, I’m in the third Google result, loco! San Quintín’s got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. You hear that, Monica? Lewinski up, down, up, down—girl’s got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. But this time, she’s going down for Mr. Mom—yeah, that’s me. At least I’m not Nancy Pelosi—she won’t do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.”

Criminal Mustard:

“Catch me at Tesla? Nah, but soon I’ll be looking more PG-13 than Liam Neeson’s filmography. Or maybe MS-13, depending on how many hugs I get—as long as it’s consensual. And no, it’s not ‘con ¢ lul wa’—that’s an inside joke!”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year, unlike the priests in the Vatican—those guys never stop delivering the goods. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork. At least then someone’s getting poked. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—kind of like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.”

Colonel Mustard:

“How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don’t worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he’s got experience with surprises.”

Felicia the Fork (leans in, fork raised):

“I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.”

BBB (Host, smirking):

“Are n Siri us RN!? Turn around and GH—you sold your own ace! Drew Lynch said it best: sometimes you’re your own worst dealer. You talk big like you’re holding the winning hand, but you fold faster than Drew’s stutter when the mic goes silent. You’re out here bluffing like a rookie, while Drew’s out here selling out shows and turning trauma into comedy gold. Keep trying, maybe one day you’ll get a ‘Golden Buzzer’ moment—until then, just watch Drew ace the game you’re still learning to play.”

Felicia the Fork (brandishing her phone):

“And you know, everyone’s out here dropping cash on Rosetta Stone, but let’s be real—that’s the only stone Jesus actually needed moved. What if Jesus was here the whole freaking time, didn’t even have a penis, just gasless because nobody wanted to give up power? Like, what if Jesus was actually a woman, literally silenced her entire existence—no voice, no platform, just waiting for someone to roll away that last stone? But nah, Rosetta got tossed for good, and the world kept pretending they couldn’t understand the message. Maybe the real miracle would be if people finally listened.”

Dealer Dijon:

“And while we’re on the subject of miracles, can we talk about the Bible being backwards? It literally says no one sin is greater than another. So if you didn’t call your mother, you’re basically as equal to Hitler as the next idiot who committed murder. How is it people keep throwing sins in each other’s faces, when that’s the main statement in the Bible? Honestly, that should shut down any and every argument, from any chapter, on the spot. Bam—argument over, go home, try again.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“Oh, but wait, let’s not forget the magic clause! God doesn’t want you doing magic, or vampires, or any of that ‘evil’ stuff, but then you want him to raise the dead, walk on water, and turn water into wine—no magic, though! Just a little holy hocus-pocus, but only if it’s in the right book and not after midnight.”

Felicia the Fork (closing the episode):

“We’re all about to turn into carnivores—turns out the T-Rex was Blue the whole time, and we were the ones that were confused. Now Blue thinks she’s Dino, so we have a little bit of a problem. We need to get some common sense flowing so people are in and knowing. Because you know that math joke about two trains going 80 about to collide? That’s common sense and stupidity, and it’s not going to end well this time.”

www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

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