2

"what's up? are you okay?"

it's a genuine question,

a true question.

as I watch his face he doesn't give any indication that i should answer him.

but i think I know why he came here.

because he doesn' t trust me either.

he doesn' t want to talk to me,

he probably doesn' t want me near him.

"do you want to go home?".

there's a faint worried look on his face, as if he is trying to hide something from me.

but I see it,

all of it.

"no...i think i'll stay here".

he looks surprised by my answer,

but doesn' t show it.

I hope i haven't made him uncomfortable,

that he has enough of me.

after all he's probably tired of me,

I don't blame him,

I've spent most of these nights sitting here.

staring at the blank wall and thinking about the past,

about the man who is my life.

sometimes I just feel so lonely...

like i deserve to be alone.

Even though we're together we still can't see eachother.

but he doesn't mind,

not really.

he loves spending time with me.

and maybe that's why he doesn' t care whether or not i'm here or not.

he probably feels safe knowing that i'll never leave his side.

or is this a selfish reason?

does he prefer spending time with me while i am alone?

that's probably the biggest lie in the entire universe.

"are you sure baby?".

is all he asks.

"yes."

and he does.

as soon as i told him, he grabbed my hand and led me inside our home.

we sit on the sofa and cuddle up to each other.

as we lay there, he holds me like i might break at any given moment.

and honestly, i wouldn't be surprised if i did.

I know i've done something wrong and that's why he doesn't want me anymore.

maybe i'm too much.

too loud.

too needy.

too messy.

Maybe he doesn't like me after all.

I don't wanna hurt his feelings,

that would ruin all of us.

maybe I shouldn't have asked for a family to begin with.

and when it all ended in a big bang, maybe this is how it goes.

with no one left standing,

just debris left and broken hearts everywhere.

this is definitely how it ends.

this is definitely how i die.

but he keeps hugging me and telling me that everything is gonna be okay,

that i'll forget about it tomorrow,

when we both realize that there is nothing left for us.

and i believe him.

because even though I love him,

it hurts a lot, seeing that he doesn't trust me.

And i know it's my fault that our relationship is deteriorating.

maybe it'll be okay.

if i pretend that nothing happened.

maybe someday he'll get use to it.

then maybe he'll finally let me go.

but until then he's holding me,

telling me that he loves me,

and it reminds me of all the things we had.

of the promises that he made.

of the promises that he broke,

when he started dating her.

of the dreams that he kept.

of all of that.

all of them.

and now we're laying in our bed.

together.

like we always have.

except now we don't share the warmth.

instead there's a feeling of coldness between us.

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