The suppressant he had ingested was potent, so he assumed everything would be alright. Cheng had assured him that no one at the university had noticed anything amiss, so he continued to pass as a Beta, nothing more. This reassured him as he didn't feel capable of handling that on top of the situation with Lukyan. It was too much for anyone.
He didn't want to leave home, but knew that if he stayed, he'd have to answer his mother's questions and endure his father's remarks, all of which he wanted to avoid at all costs. He knew what was coming. He knew what had happened and that there was no turning back.
Everything was said and done. He could no longer lie, and Lukyan knew it all. For a moment, the thought of seeing his face terrified him. He believed that if they crossed paths in the hallway, death would be his only escape. He walked briskly through the university, looking around vigilantly, and when he reached his classroom without incident, he took a deep breath and felt relieved. He was fearful of seeing him, of his own body going haywire again, and of receiving that look of disgust once more because he knew he couldn't withstand it.
He sat down slowly and heard Cheng speaking to him, but he didn't pay much attention as he wanted to see him. He felt so burdened by sadness that breathing and blinking seemed immensely difficult.
The class sped by, and he didn't even leave the room for fear of encountering him. Cheng only left for the restroom and to buy some food, but he refused to eat anything. He just leaned forward at the table, resting his head on his arms, and closed his eyes. He wished it were all a dream, wished he'd had more self-control, wished for many things that were now impossible because there was no more time.
"Eley, not eating won't help," Cheng whispered beside him, caressing his hair. "You need to eat."
"I don't want to."
"Come on, you knew this would happen, knew what he was like. You couldn't expect him to act differently just for you. He despises Omegas and it's clear he feels the same disdain for you. If he cared even slightly, he wouldn't have left you alone, exposed to any danger."
He swallowed hard and kept his gaze lowered.
"Come on, don't be sad, okay? I brought you something sweet. Eat it."
"Maybe if I talk to him, apologize, I can fix everything."
"Yeah, and you might as well wear a sign pointing out where he can hit you next," Cheng retorted sarcastically, and Eley glared at him, even though he knew Cheng was right. "Don't be foolish, he won't want to talk to you, let alone listen or look at you."
"But I want to see him. I want him close," he sobbed, feeling tears fall. "Why does it have to feel like this?"
"I don't know, I'm just a Beta, I don't understand Alpha and Omega dynamics. Perhaps you've bonded with him, and that's why you feel this emptiness."
"I don't want to feel it," he mumbled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. "My mother often said that the bond between an Omega and their Alpha is very strong. That without the Alpha, an Omega feels sad, scared, and desperate, but when they return, everything's normal again. She said the intensity was such that an Omega could die if abandoned by their Alpha. I don't want to feel like this."
He moved toward Cheng, who hugged him.
He knew it was true because he'd also heard it often. In his family, there were many Alphas and Omegas who were inseparable, so he was familiar with the depth of connection that could form between them. He thought it was beautiful, almost like pure love, but for Eley it was a curse, only felt one-sided.
He hugged him tightly because for an Omega to be rejected by their Alpha felt like a living death, and he didn't want his best friend to experience such pain.
Classes dragged on. He paid no attention to the professors. Occupied with senseless drawings in his notebook, he soon realized he had filled more than five pages with just Lukyan's name. He sighed and closed his eyes momentarily to calm himself.
When it finally ended, they stepped outside and said goodbye. He walked to the restroom to check his reflection and looked dreadful. The face staring back was one of sleeplessness, tears, and misery – the face of a depressed person with no will to live.
He washed his hands and splashed water on his face, trying to rally, and walked out slowly.
"Eley, hey," he heard his name and turned to see Jerley.
He approached him slowly, but his smile faded seeing Jerley's sadness.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just heading home now."
"You sure you're okay? You look terrible," Jerley asked as Eley watched him.
He felt Jerley's touch on his forehead and cheeks, but unlike with Lukyan, he felt nothing, even though Jerley was also a dominant Alpha. His hands seemed mundane, his touch uninspiring, his gaze lacking any indescribable quality that might stir his blood.
"I'm fine. Maybe coming down with a cold, that's all."
"Are you walking to the parking lot?"
He nodded.
"Do you want me to walk with you?"
He dismissed the offer but nodded, and they started walking. They were silent initially, but Jerley kept glancing at him. It was plain to see something troubling was afoot; Eley looked off, his steps almost pitifully shuffling.
"How about we grab a drink? Get your mind off things. You look pretty bad, and I'm worried."
"Don't. It's just family stuff. I'll be better soon," he assured, offering a small smile as he looked up.
His gaze settled on Jerley's eyes, but he yearned for different ones.
"Alright, but if you ever need anything, let me know. You're always there for me on Wednesdays when I need to talk, so don't hesitate; I'd be glad to help."
Jerley gave him a smile filled with kindness, but Eley craved one brimming with love.
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."
And without another word, he stopped.
"Sorry, forgot something. Another time we'll get that drink," he said kindly, backing away.
Jerley watched attentively as he walked away, a bit perplexed, then a scent briefly reached him that he chose to ignore as he turned to join his friends. Yet, he couldn't resist looking back over his shoulder at the redhead pacing down the hallway.
Eley knew it was wrong, that he was seeking his own demise, that he was courting a descent into hell, that he'd only find painful rejection and overwhelming hatred, but it didn't matter. He thought that if he suffered all this again, he'd understand and everything would return to normal. He quickly ascended the stairs towards Lukyan's classroom. Seeing students still inside, he approached slowly. He hid for a moment, listening to the voices and when he heard Lukyan's voice, he knew he would recognize it in a crowd of millions.
Rejections hurt, and he wanted the cruelest of them all.
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Tiny Adjei
Glutton for punishment
2024-05-10
1