old me seeing me

...have you ever heard people say love is like surrendering. this phrase express my life in differnt angles. my name is Stellaluna. i know its kinda long. my parents like moon and starts like anything that shine at night. well they didnt give me good childhood so my name is enough i guess. anyway my friends call me stella some call me lona too no one actually call me by my full name except my ex jaemin.........we broke up about 2-3 years ago. he was my first relationship i dated around alot after him just to forget him but it didnt workout so i stoped. jaemin and i broke up in my senior year of highschool i couldnt take it anymore so i brokeup with him. even if i have the chance to relive that moment again i would still brake up with him. ...

...jaemin and i start dating when i was in grade 10 he was one year younger in class than me but when it was in age he is 3 years older. he had alot of family problems back in middle that he was forced to stop school temporary. he was the first one who talked to me back in middle school so i kinda take him as a special friend. but unfotunetly after he returned to school after all that years things start to change he started messing around with girls more like to make him forge things ahh i guess he changed so much. he didnt even talk to me nor my friends as he used to he wont approach a girl unless she approaches him first. over the years his attitude became worse as years passed. and i stoped thinking about him as i used to i was in bad situation myself......after a while between me and my girls things starts to get worked up and we start to quarrel. here is what happend there this girl in our group her name is shad and she was kinda attention seeker and the girls in our class starts talking about her and her dramaqueen acts i mean i dont blame them she is differnt honestly but its not good to talk about anybody behind their back. anyway one day some girls where talking about her in front of me and i didnt just get in their conversation and stop them i was waiting for the right time to defend her i swear but out nowhere she came shouted at the girls and starts shitting me next i couldn't say anything ofcourse until she starts crossing the line i started shouting and she grabbed my hair we starts fighting and end up in the office "what happens to you i taught you where a good student" she asked us "ya am good at acting" i mumbled "what" " nothing" i answered if you two arent going to tell me anything am afraid i have to talk to your parents" " NO" we shouted " you cant my father is busy today dont call him pls" shad begged .. well i dont know how but the teacher mark us up and warned as and send us back to class. the people in class all surround and ask her what happens i guess guilt starts flowing in their body now well i couldnt care less i survived today.things where quite after that but a week later people i used to call friend starts turning their back at me one by one my life starts to change i got bullied a lot. i was kinda quiet so i couldn't tell anyone. after some time i lost my concentration at school and my grades starts to drop. one day my dad came to ask teachers about my grades how considerate of him right.....they told him that i will fail if it continues like this so they asked him to look after me ask me why and staff he didn't say anything after that and came directly home. i was at home that day i didn't go to school i was just tired that day. i planned to think about my life too while am resting. i fell asleep in my bed ahh it been long since i slept quietly it feels nic- and ofcourse before i finished my dad starts knocking so hard on the door i get up and i opened the door and out of nowhere he starts shouting and braking the things in my room " aren't you just shameless even though you are the reason of our miserable life you dont even study and work hard to be a better person it should have been you who was dead instead of your sister she would have been alot better" " DAD can you stop pls" " SHUTUP SHUTUP" he started hitting me with the wood he was holding and without me knowing i lost consciousness....

...when i wakeup i was in my bed the room was cleaned the window was open it was morning already i got up and go to take a hot long shower to calm my self up i couldnt bring my self to cry or blame anyone i just feel like i want to die but am afraid to face the reality i didnt do anything useful until now i wanna be abit stronger than i am right now before i meet my sister. after that day i started studying and become like a hobby for me....

... i stoped talking to people in my class or rather they stoped bothering me i removed a lot of people in my life even if its lonely i prefer it this way my grades where good and my parent never nag with me my life improved a little everyday until....

... i dont know much about my mom she come home sometimes she spend her time in hospital almost everyday because trauma caused during the accident that take my sister. my mom is suicidal women she tries all means to kill herself well unfortunetly she always end up in hospital. i dont really care about her much she dont love me nor my dad she never cares so neither do i. that what i thought until yesterday....

... yesterday i was walking with my mom to home she was telling me why she cant love anymore and why she cant live i mean i heard this talk more than 20 time so i didnt care much i was just trying to understand her until we starts to cross the road my mom walked inside the cars and passed away on the spot. i couldnt help myself but cry out for help i called dad he came and blame it all in me of course shouted at me he even send me to orphanage after the funeral it was like the end of the world for me i stayed there for half year luckily i was still going to school no one knew anything about the incident so everything there was normal....

... one day while i was returning from school the nanny there called from the door and shouted "she is home" i cant believe her she never noticed me what gotten to her all of the sudden while i was mumbling a women from her back comes out and hugged me. ...

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