The Meeting ( part two )

//Brad POV//

I sat on the floor rolling my curtains slightly to take a peek at the boy lawning my lawn ..he's been at it for 2hrs and I've been stealing glances at him for a while now, he was a teen like me he always puts on earbuds in his ear listening to music , I wanted to talk to him but i couldn't just bring myself to it..

My illness runs too deep when am in contact of people I hardly now or when I get too excited looking at them..

My doctor say I should say talk about my feelings and thoughts

I'm always up for talking about my anxiety disorder, I will discuss my panic attacks until the cows come home. But I struggle to be honest about agoraphobia, I call it the least sexy of my mental illness. Its hard to put a funny spin on being unable to leave your house. It's a fear thats vague enough that it can apply to anything, anywhere-any situation or location. It dictates where you go , who you feel comfortable with, it demands control of every tiny detail and it does not want to be independent.

It suck the fun out of life under the pretence of protecting you, I've been living with this illness for 8years now.

It started with panic attacks, which quickly developed into generalised anxiety disorder, which at its most basic means I worry all the time , about everything.

The intense and relentless stress had a rapid effect on my brain and body -- they decided it would be safest to keep me inside the house.

I became terrified and sometimes completely unable to step out of my front door. The simplest of tasks, everything I took for granted became impossible.

After years of successfully managing my illness , the anxiety, panic and agoraphobia beat me into a corner.

I was suddenly confined to specific places -- my comfort zones, these consist of my house, my car which was always parked in the garage, my pool , and my gaming room,

They're also linked to certain people for example wherever my dad is , then miss Taylor and sometimes my therapist and my doctors....

I spent years completely restricted to these zones, I couldn't even make it as far as road outside the gates..

My dad had hired chauffeurs and sometimes babysitters he completely trust and the ones I felt comfortable with--  I was entirely reliant on them I completely lost my independence .

Agoraphobia is complicated and has some complex list of demands different for each person according to my doctors.., here are some of mine..

I must not leave my comfort zones,I must not use certain types of stairs, I must avoid large open space, if I must plan ...things must be happen at night, things must not happen in the rain ( I once had a panic attack because it was too "sunny" ), Under no circumstance am I to be spontaneous or excited.

And they told me in the future if I was to ever go outside..

I must not use public transport, I must not travel long distances alone, I must not go above the second floor in buildings , I must not go anywhere I cannot easily and discreetly exit, I must avoid large crowds, I must avoid any shops directly on the high street, I must take protection ( guards or friends or nanny) with me almost everywhere I go,

I know these demands seem ridiculous, but to me they make sense and that's how it owns me.

Why do I let it control me ? Why do I give to it's demand ? Why live my life confined to these stupid zones like I'm living in a messed up version of the Sims..

Because of the consequences of standing up to to it..

Because like panic disorder you aren't afraid of the place itself, you are afraid of your reaction to that place..

Best case scenario, I feel very uncomfortable as if I'm being physically stretched like an elastic band.

My anxiety sky rockets; my heart thumps , I shake I can't think straight, I can't concentrate, logic and rationale go out the window..

I start thinking the " What ifs  " and usually that someone will die as a result of serving me dishes I'm allergic to which I don't yet realize..

Worst case scenario, I have a panic attack, which for me means dizziness, feeling sick , color draining from my face, jelly legs  that I'm sure are about to collapse, I can't breath, I can't move, I can't see properly, it feels like I'm dying because that's the only explanation for feeling so awful..Even thinking about going out can bring on a panic attack..

If I stay in designated zones I am less likely to have an attack - so I stay there , not only does it make everything difficult it also make me incredibly sad and frustrated that I cannot do anything about it.

Through combination of CBT, talking therapy, medication, determination, tantrums, support from my dad and some tears I believe I've made a lot of progress , it comes and goes in its severity... Living with this illness is difficult..

Though I was still in my thoughts I could feel someone watching me , eyes studying me, my eyes drifted to the boy in the lawn who was now staring at me waving his hand at me ,..Shit" I dropped the curtain and fled the scene..ran straight to my bed , I could here my heart beat get louder..I told myself to calm down, breathing in and out.." That was so close..

" He just waved at me"...That thought rang in my head over and over again like a repeat I couldn't help but get excited and frightened by it...

Stop!!!! I told myself'!! I'm making progress!! Stop thinking.. And I stopped

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***