01 (Her Diary)

A person like me will always be the center of attraction to people. Well, it's not because I have wealth nor a beauty.

I am Fat.

I am Weird.

I am Neardy.

and actually, I am just a nobody.

Anyone, everyone can judge me because they really have something to judge into me.

Anyone can throw hurtful words towards me cause I think I do deserve it too, or maybe I'm just use to it? I dont even know at all.

People let me experience how cruel this world can be.

I've been bullied when I was in Elementary.

I've been discriminated way back when I was in first year highschool just because of my physical appearance.

I have been fooled by a so called friend when I was in second year highschool. I really thought back then that she really wants to be friend with someone like me but the truth is she actually doesn't. She just wants my money. She just used me to buy her bribes, you see I really wanted to have a friend back then because I never experience having one. Like. Never.

I also have been trotted by the whole class when I was in third year highschool, for them it was the funniest thing they did to me but for me it was the most embarrassing thing they have done into me. They registered me to be our class and section representative in a nature friendly pageant competion. I was so fat, how can I be suited to those kind of competitions? But I had no choice that time because our class muse intentionally refuse to be the candidate, so our adviser let me compete even without my words. The whole school laugh and makes meme on me all over the internet that day and I didnt over reacted even though I feel so embarrassed inside. "Its normal Jay", those are the words that I kept in my mind before to have enough courage to face every students in our campus back then.

But. Nothing can defeat what I experienced when I was in forth year. Finally, its our graduation day and I am the valedictorian. I didnt experience marching or even just to stand up in the stage to get my own certificate, awards and my medals that day because a group of students locked me inside the comfort room and Its already seven in the afternoon when some of our school cleaners and janitors found me inside the abandoned CR and basically the program finished. My mom, mother was the one who accepted all those things that I should be the one who will accept in the stage.

I cried that night. Seriously, who wouldn't be? I was the one who suffered just so I can be on the top even if everyone's pulling me down at that time. It was so painful. Painful than a heartbreak ,I think.

And last year, I turned to be a Senior High School Grade Eleven GAS student. Im still undecided for what I want, so I chose that strand. I honestly thought that everything will change. I thought that the cruelness of my mates will stop and finished when we graduated from being a junior students but I was wrong. Completely wrong because they become more cruel than before. We have new faces back then so I didnt expected that those things that happened to me when I was in junior will repeat. Inside my mind, having new classmates will be a new and finally a good thing for me. (Sigh). Why did I even think that this world, the universe and all will be kind on me? Silly Jayson.

During classes everyone's throwing some pieces of fold papers on me when our subject teacher wasnt looking, espcially when its our Literature subject and Mrs. Mayor is our teacher (strict teacher) for me to loose my concentration and wasnt able to answer our teachers questions. One hour outside. One hour under the sunlight. One hour of being alone, running in our field until the bell rangs. It was so tiring.

Im smart but it has an end especially if I dont have enought time to review all our lessons.

Ughh!!

There's this one time, still in grade eleven. Friday. After our last class, our last subject in the afternoon before finally going home. My classmates forced me to clean the comfort room, I have a traumatic experience when it comes to that place but they leave me no choice and so I obliged. Our class president also commanded me to do it so I really have no choice. I cant say no.

I cleaned every side of our CR, the floor and the yellowish toilet, I didnt leave behid. When Im pretty sure that everythings ok, and my work finally ended I tried to open the wooden brown door but it wouldn't. Its lock and I am stuck. By that time I already knew, they planned it. I tried shouting as loud as I can that time for somebody will help me but I just got nothing. No one helped me.

I cried. Again.

I was so afraid.

I was alone inside our room and locked inside a comfort room.

That day I slept inside the CR. Im so hungry and all messed up when suddenly someone opened the door and its our adviser who supposed to be just checking around our room, if everythings okay.

She's in awe when she looked at me, helped me stand up and supported me until I finally seated into a comfortable area. I even inhaled heavy intetionally so that I could smell the fresh air. I felt relief. Mrs. Pangan, our adviser even handed me an egg sandwich to eat before she personally delivered me home and mom run towards me fastly with her worried face and hugged me so tight.

My life was the kind of life I wouldnt choose to have and live if somehow I have choices, but sadly I dont even have one and so I cant do anything rather than to continue living with it.

I cant stop moving.

I wont stop moving.

I have to continue living even if everythings not in good terms to me.

I have my own dreams and whatever happened I will pursue it.

Not just for me but for our family too. I faced so many hardships, why will I surrender now?

I am Xael Jayson Maribeles.

And Welcome to my Diary.

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