A person like me will always be the center of attraction to people. Well, it's not because I have wealth nor a beauty.

I am Fat.

I am Weird.

I am Neardy.

and actually, I am just a nobody.

Anyone, everyone can judge me because they really have something to judge into me.

Anyone can throw hurtful words towards me cause I think I do deserve it too, or maybe I'm just use to it? I dont even know at all.

People let me experience how cruel this world can be.

I've been bullied when I was in Elementary.

I've been discriminated way back when I was in first year highschool just because of my physical appearance.

I have been fooled by a so called friend when I was in second year highschool. I really thought back then that she really wants to be friend with someone like me but the truth is she actually doesn't. She just wants my money. She just used me to buy her bribes, you see I really wanted to have a friend back then because I never experience having one. Like. Never.

I also have been trotted by the whole class when I was in third year highschool, for them it was the funniest thing they did to me but for me it was the most embarrassing thing they have done into me. They registered me to be our class and section representative in a nature friendly pageant competion. I was so fat, how can I be suited to those kind of competitions? But I had no choice that time because our class muse intentionally refuse to be the candidate, so our adviser let me compete even without my words. The whole school laugh and makes meme on me all over the internet that day and I didnt over reacted even though I feel so embarrassed inside. "Its normal Jay", those are the words that I kept in my mind before to have enough courage to face every students in our campus back then.

But. Nothing can defeat what I experienced when I was in forth year. Finally, its our graduation day and I am the valedictorian. I didnt experience marching or even just to stand up in the stage to get my own certificate, awards and my medals that day because a group of students locked me inside the comfort room and Its already seven in the afternoon when some of our school cleaners and janitors found me inside the abandoned CR and basically the program finished. My mom, mother was the one who accepted all those things that I should be the one who will accept in the stage.

I cried that night. Seriously, who wouldn't be? I was the one who suffered just so I can be on the top even if everyone's pulling me down at that time. It was so painful. Painful than a heartbreak ,I think.

And last year, I turned to be a Senior High School Grade Eleven GAS student. Im still undecided for what I want, so I chose that strand. I honestly thought that everything will change. I thought that the cruelness of my mates will stop and finished when we graduated from being a junior students but I was wrong. Completely wrong because they become more cruel than before. We have new faces back then so I didnt expected that those things that happened to me when I was in junior will repeat. Inside my mind, having new classmates will be a new and finally a good thing for me. (Sigh). Why did I even think that this world, the universe and all will be kind on me? Silly Jayson.

During classes everyone's throwing some pieces of fold papers on me when our subject teacher wasnt looking, espcially when its our Literature subject and Mrs. Mayor is our teacher (strict teacher) for me to loose my concentration and wasnt able to answer our teachers questions. One hour outside. One hour under the sunlight. One hour of being alone, running in our field until the bell rangs. It was so tiring.

Im smart but it has an end especially if I dont have enought time to review all our lessons.

Ughh!!

There's this one time, still in grade eleven. Friday. After our last class, our last subject in the afternoon before finally going home. My classmates forced me to clean the comfort room, I have a traumatic experience when it comes to that place but they leave me no choice and so I obliged. Our class president also commanded me to do it so I really have no choice. I cant say no.

I cleaned every side of our CR, the floor and the yellowish toilet, I didnt leave behid. When Im pretty sure that everythings ok, and my work finally ended I tried to open the wooden brown door but it wouldn't. Its lock and I am stuck. By that time I already knew, they planned it. I tried shouting as loud as I can that time for somebody will help me but I just got nothing. No one helped me.

I cried. Again.

I was so afraid.

I was alone inside our room and locked inside a comfort room.

That day I slept inside the CR. Im so hungry and all messed up when suddenly someone opened the door and its our adviser who supposed to be just checking around our room, if everythings okay.

She's in awe when she looked at me, helped me stand up and supported me until I finally seated into a comfortable area. I even inhaled heavy intetionally so that I could smell the fresh air. I felt relief. Mrs. Pangan, our adviser even handed me an egg sandwich to eat before she personally delivered me home and mom run towards me fastly with her worried face and hugged me so tight.

My life was the kind of life I wouldnt choose to have and live if somehow I have choices, but sadly I dont even have one and so I cant do anything rather than to continue living with it.

I cant stop moving.

I wont stop moving.

I have to continue living even if everythings not in good terms to me.

I have my own dreams and whatever happened I will pursue it.

Not just for me but for our family too. I faced so many hardships, why will I surrender now?

I am Xael Jayson Maribeles.

And Welcome to my Diary.

Pain.

8:50 pm.

July 01, 2021

Thursday.

Every girls understands what Im feeling right now. Back Pain. Headache. Cravings. Irritation and Lower Abdomen Pain.

"Ugrhhh!!! I hate first weeks!", I said loudly while lying in my bed and hooping around.

*knock

*knock

*knock

"Sweetheart? You okay in there?", I suddenly heard mommy's voice reason for me to stop from complaning about what I'm feeling and stop hooping. I looked at the door of my room where mom knocked.

"Jayson?", I heard her called my name. I sigh heavily. Mommy doesnt know that right now its my call. I hate this menstration. Its hurting me like hell every first weeks of months.

"Im just reading something mom! Im fine!", I intentionally raised my voice so that mommy could hear it from outside my room.

*knock

"You sure?", she asked same intensity and tone of voice and I nodded even though she cant see me. I sigh heavily for the second time. I really hate speaking or talking to anyone whenever Im dealing with this cursed cycle.

"I am. Goodnight ma!", I uttered again loudly to close the conversation. Its not like Im being such a rude daughter here, Im just in situation that every girls can't control. I am really feeling irritated almost for everything since yesterday. I even discarded Jaddi's blue hat a while ago reason for him to cry like a baby and complaining me as a 'bad ate' . His my little brother by the way and his just six years old.

"Goodnight sweetie. I love you", I heard mom's remark.

"I love you too", I answered but this time. It wasnt in a high or loud way. I felt so tired for a sudden.

I didn't heard mom's voice from outside of my room anymore but all that I overheard are some weak footsteps of walking away.

"I should apologize tomorrow. I think, I've been too sassy to them especially on Jaddie", I uttered into myself before letting out a heavy sigh for the third time and finally decided to reach for my hot compress on my bed side table.

"This better be effective"

I tried to relax.

Inhale and Exhale.

Just so I think it can lessen the pain Im dealing tonight but I was wrong. Nothing change. I even took medicines and all but nothings working on me. It is seriously painful.

"Oh please. Stop hurting me so much! Im begging", I begged myself quietly while squeezing my stomach. I even closed my eyes and I can feel my cold sweats flowing down like a tear drop water from my forehead.

Battling with menstration was really hard for me. It was natural to feel pain and all for a girl that is in this situation but mine's different. Like my mom, menstration isnt just a normal pain for us. It felt like somethings squeezing and tearing up into peices, my lower abdomen really hurts. The first time I experience this, I almost run into the hospital.

"What to do? What to do? What to do?", I asked myself over and over. Im sure, all of them are now peacefully sleeping and I dont wanna disturb them. Mommy's been to work and likewise to Dad, they are both tired I know and they needed enough rest.

"What to do?", I force myself to get up from my bed. It hurts! Seriously hurts!

"I should take meds.again. It should do it", I convince myself but how? Getting up from my bed was already hard for me, how about walking downstairs until I reach the kitchen huh? Can I do it on my own? Ugrhh!

***

"Jayson? Sweetheart, oh thank god your awake. How are you? What do you feel huh? Does your stomach hurts? How about your head huh, sweetie? Are you ok? Tell me"

I blinked twice while looking at my mother's face full of worriedness.

"Jayson", mom called my name again and so I blinked again but this time I shift my gazes all around the room. Its all white.

"W-where am I?", I unconsciously ask while looking around. Last time I check my room were cozy and brown, not white.

Mom turned silent in the mean time and stared at me.

"Dont you remember anything?", she asks me and I look at her puzzled. Remember anything?

"She's awake?", I suddenly heard daddy's voice before a sound of a closing door and so mom and I turned our looks at him who's now walking towards us.

"How do you feel? Does your head hurts?"

"Po?", I ask unconsciously for the second time. Daddy even hold my hand. I slowly raised my right hand and there I saw a niddle attach in my vain. That explains why. I caressed my own forehead and there I feel something rough. Its a bandage. What happened?

I blink thrice. Im inside a white room, lying in a white bed, dextrose by my side and my head has a bandage attached. Why am I inside a hospital? The only thing I remember is, Im inside my room while squeezing my stomach tightly and suffering from so much pain.

"What happened?"

"You fell down the stairs", mommy's the one who answered my question.

"What?", I fell down the stairs? Seriously?

"Jadde saw you last night and so we rush you here", said by dad. Oh crappy! Now I remember. Last night, I tried getting up from my bed to take meds. I walk out my room quietly until I reached the stairs but something unexpected happened. I tripped causing me to fall down the stairs in no time.

"Now I remember everything", I said into myself and now squeezing my eyes closed. Ang tanga ko naman sa part na yun.

"Sweetheart, are you okay? Tell me if somethings---"

" I am okay mom", I cut her as I open my eyes.

"Im okay now", I remark. I saw them both release a heavy sigh before looking at each other like their talking through their gazes.

"Darling, manang Marta will be here in any minutes. She will be with you for the mean time while were at work. Is that ok? Your mom and I need to go", dad said softly before leaning and kiss my head.

I saw mommy smiled at me apologetically. I force myself to smile naturally at them. I should be ably by now. Both of them can't leave their works behind just to be with us, when Jadde and I are sick nor feeling heavy or something.

Their works are the most important.

Rooftop.

When I was a child I am used of being alone, just being by myself. Silence is my safe zone up until now but this time, I can't endure it. I have to go out from this white room and roam around if I have to. I just dont wanna stay here at all. Its suffocating.

It's been one hour since mom and dad leave me behind inside this room and it's been one hour and twenty-five minutes since I started waiting for Manang and now I'm also hungry and really suffocated. I have to go out.

Unlike last night. My body's know in calm. My lower abdomen still hurts a little but I can endure it. I sighed heavily and loose. I didn't leave any stains on my bed. That's good.

I slowly walked out of my room. I even turn gazes left and right to see if anyone's coming. Nurses and other patients are walking in the middle of the hallway and the smell of strong medicines invaded my nose immediately.

I whined and scratched my nose before finally stepping out and away from my room door. Just like other patients, I'm also wearing a long white scrubs, it's an hospital patient uniform. I think.

When I'm finally inside the elevator, I realized something. I don't know where to go. I don't know where's the hospital canteen and everything. I'm doomed. Stupid Jayson. Should I ask this woman beside me? Or maybe the man wearing a hospital lab gown and reading some papers? What to do?

I looked up and I realized that this elevator's going down from third floor down to second and first floor.

*Ting

And the door opened. Everyone walk out. Including me. I sigh.

"Now what?", I ask myself in a faint-voice. I look around and everyone's busy, doctors, nurses and patient's with their own companions are around. I really hate hospitals. It makes me feel so weak and lifeless. I breathe in for fresh air but the smell of strong meds invaded my nose again. Crappy! Then an idea pop up in my mind.

How I love that yellow bulb in my mind when I'm thinking.

"Rooftop", I said grinning from ear to ear. Finally. I have a place to go. I'm still hungry but that can wait. Surely, manang bought something for me to eat later.

*Ting

That's the sign. I walk as fast as I can to enter the elevator that's going up. Well, I am not alone. I have almost five companions inside.

After a minutes of waiting. Finally. Rooftop. When the elevator's finally open. A silent and haveless hallway welcome me. I blink. It's so creepy.

"Am I in a horror film now?", I ask myself faintly and blemished. I look up to check and confirm something. I'm in the fifth floor of the hospital. I gulp. I'm in the right floor.

I bit my lower lip and gathered all my strengths to walk out of the elevator. To be honest I love horror films but now that I feel like I'm in a horror movie. Oh God. Help me.

I silently walk alone. It's a one way hallway so I had no choice rather than to follow the only way until I reach a door. It's slightly open reason for me to feel the cold and fresh air coming from it.

I breathe in before I slowly push the door widely. It didn't make noise at all.

"Cool", I said and smile as a relief. I'm not in a horror film or movie afterall. Just so I decided to walk out of the door the cold wind hugged me in an instant. It's cold. I hugged myself.

I roam my gazes around the area when someone caught my attention. Someone's standing near the edge. I'm not alone in here. The air suddenly blows heavy reason for the hood of that someone's hoodie fell. His a boy.

I turn silent for a moment and stand still from where I'm standing. Maybe he just wants to breathe in fresh air too or maybe he wanted to be alone that's why his here. Whatever his reasons are, I don't have any rights to mind it. Am I wrong timing? Should I go ba---

"Crappy!! STOP!! DON'T DO THAT!", I unconsciously yelled and my eyes are both looking at his direction widely while in panic.

I didn't even felt both of my feet that run towards him. Oh my God! That makes me breathless. I even bown and gulp.

"D-don't", I manage to say in between gasps. The wind blows again and it's so cold, fresh and strong.

"Who are you?", it's a baritone and serific voice. I gasps before facing the man who planned to kill himself by jumping off this building. His crazy.

His still standing at the nearer edge and one wrong move, he'll fall-down. I look at him worried and panicked. I can't see his face cause his wearing a black face mask. The only thing I can see is his eyes. I bit my lower lip again. What to do?

"W-we can talk, i-if you want to", I suggested with stutter voice as I slowly walk nearer to him. He just looked at me and didn't say anything.

"Tsk!", that's the only thing I overheard. What does that mean?

"Go awa---What the hell?!", words that I clearly heard when I intentionally pull him over without any concent as I get totally near him but something didn't come out great.

As I pulled him, I suddenly step into my own feet while walking backward reason for me to fall suddenly and hard on the floor. I close my eyes to feel the pain from my back. Ouch!. I bit my lower lip harder as I was able to feel the pain from what just happens.

"F*ck! Miss?"

My back hurts big time. Wrong move. I just wanna help.

"Miss"

"A-are you o-ok?", I ask in a low tone of voice while trying to endure the pain from my back as I slowly open my eyes. I kinda startle because of our posture. His on top of me. I saw his face so close and his eyes fix with mine. I blinked. Twice.

"You---you have flesh w-wound", I said in a small tone as I tried to preclude my breath and look at his cut beside his lips. Fresh blood are coming out from it.

"What the f*ck"