'Every day I imagine you, Nadin Dinda Syafitri. That smile of red lips, that spoiled gaze, that sigh of breath when you're cold, your pitiful face holding back sleep, the warmth of your hand, everything. The longer I get more scared, afraid to imagine this person who is not at all you who is with me. People who only look like you physically, or rather are just the result of my lonely image.
'I wonder if it's the same as what I've been imagining, if you were really by my side right now? Not just your shadow.'
That's what I said to Fitri over the end of the phone that night. I no longer hear the shrill voice of the girl from my school answering my questions, the atmosphere of the quiet weekly night phone freezes suddenly for a long time.
It's been six months since I confessed my feelings to Fitri, a basketball player whose class is two classes in front of my class at school. We are old friends who were classmates when we were in the third grade of middle school, from junior high to third grade in high school. Only Fitri survived as my texting friend and confide even though we were never in high school again. At first I didn't expect to have a crush on this girl who likes to dress tomboy perfunctory, until one day six months ago I felt that I was too used to being together and started having a crush on this girl, so I dared to express my feelings at that time. And, so far it has been six months of our official HTS (Relationship Without Status).
'Hikz.. Hikz... I'm sorry Dri' Fitri's tearful sigh startled my reverie.
'Why, why are you crying? Don't cry, honey. It's okay, I'm not going to ask for a chance to be with you. You know I can't stand it when I hear you cry? Please, stop crying okay? huh?' I persuaded Fitri.
'Hikz.. It's been six months huh? Andri, one month until the final exams. As we always fear, after that we will be really far away from college in another city. I'm sorry that I couldn't, didn't want to and it was impossible to be with you all this time. hikz.. hikz..'
It's hard to explain, six months ago I expressed my love for Fitri. But even now we have never sat together. Fitri is the son of a lecturer at one of the city's universities. Unwritten and spoken, Fitri understands very well that her parents were forbidden to date in high school. Fitri's parents are the types of parents who will tell their children to study all night before school exams, this I also realize makes me feel like I'm in a long distance relationship with Fitri, even though my class and Fitri are only two rooms apart at school.
'Driiii..!!! Why are you quiet?' With a shriek, Fitri shouted on the other end of the phone. Breaks my daydream once again.
'Eh, yes. I'm sorry, maybe this is how far we can be together, only SMS. Limited calls every night this week. Even though sometimes I'm jealous...'
'Envy?' Fitri is curious.
'Yes, I'm jealous to see other friends can easily be with the people they love at school, from morning to school. As for you, you always run away and hide to see me, I am not a monster, you know'
I don't understand, that's Fitri. Before I expressed my feelings six months ago, Fitri's attitude was just like an old friend. Meet talk freely, without any shame. But what virus is stuck in his brain now?. Don't talk directly, like a reflex, he will automatically run away and hide when he sees me at school. The last time I found out was three months ago, when a friend and confidant of Fitri said that I was Fitri's first love. The name is also 'Relationships Without Status', as much as possible Fitri keeps this relationship a secret from anyone, preventing the possibility that any of her family members will find out, although to be honest I feel tortured.
'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry dear, I'm not used to looking people's eyes, let alone you. I just don't want anyone to suspect our relationship. Come on, be patient. Try to understand I'm sorry Fitri.
That excuse again, the same reason again. How long will Fitri play hide and seek like this? In a month we will both graduate, then go to different cities to study. Maybe soon a man will snatch her heart from me, maybe we will lose contact? is he going out with someone else? too many bad possibilities have piled up in my mind.
During these six months I really miss Fitri, without her knowing I often look at her from behind the classroom window in front of her class, I often come secretly in the afternoon to school to see her basketball practice from the end of the field, I will not go home from school before seeing Fitri being picked up by her father first, I always pay attention to Fitri as a person I love without her knowing, even from afar. Just like a Secret Admirer.
'Ah never mind. I'm lazy to debate anymore, honey, let's talk about something else' I replied
'What's an example?'
'Who knows'
If we can make an analogy (compared), Fitri and I are like people on the phone with a time limit of one hour. But too often silenced. Even though there's only ten minutes left, don't stay still.
High school days will soon end, Fitri still looks elegant with all her arrogance to keep her distance from me in front of her friends. And still graceful enough to keep me from focusing on school subjects, even if only because I haven't seen her all day at school.
'G'nite honey'
'G'nite too'
The sound of the closed phone, indicating that Fitri will soon move from the other end of the phone into my dreams, dominates my sleep. Then Fitri would wake me up in the middle of the night, then she moved again from the dream into the tears that dripped down my prayer mat in the middle of the night, into the stanzas of my every prayer.
'I beg with all humility, Unite the hearts of Andri and Fitri, O Allah' is a simple dialogue that I always say every night. Tonight is no exception, without Fitri knowing that she has indirectly changed an Andriansyah who used to be lazy into a child who is diligent in worship, into a child who studies diligently. How a line of a smile can affect the brain of the person who sees it. 'I love you' Fitri's delusional voice once again led me to sleep at night for who knows how many times.
—
I see everything from my point of view. It's always been that way, even from this stage, you still look the same. Beautiful from my point of view.
'Tomboyish girl, I still can't believe it. Mainly three things. First, you look cuter than usual in that kebaya and loose hair, in a bun, all dressed up like a royal princess tonight. I can't believe God was too good to me tonight. You are among those who dress the same as you, but from my eyes you are Queen, they are concubines. I really don't want to blink at you.'
the principal greeted me, I woke up from the delirium of my own heart. A smile that seemed to be forced on me to show all the invitations for this high school farewell night, especially for Fitri.
'Secondly, I still can't believe your smile has changed me. Be on par with those who are rewarded for high school final exam results and scores. I couldn't be on this stage without your enthusiasm. And lastly, not only can I not believe it but I also don't want this to be our high school farewell night, a night that makes me feel like I won't be seeing you for a very long time.'
…
Everyone is now busy taking pictures, including Fitri and her friends. I also felt tired looking at him for too long from one of the chairs sitting in this room, tired of just looking at him from afar. While you are still engrossed in taking pictures, without looking at me.
'Hmm' I muttered under my breath.
Not seeing each other for a long time was the only reason all of my class's students took a group photo.
'I also want to take a photo with you Driii…' I remember very well that Fitri had said that ninety-six days ago. But look at him now, in front of the stage taking pictures with his friends. Didn't even have the courage to shake my hand.
'Eh, where is Fitri? He was in front of the stage, right? Or, or maybe…' I didn't dare look back.
'Dri!!!… Andriansyah Sayaaang?!, can't you hear?! Come on, come on' Fitri suddenly pulled my hand tightly, I don't know where I was going. In a hurry, her left hand rolled up her skirt a little, making it easier for her to half run. I can see the high heels that Fitri is wearing, shoes that are not really suitable for forcibly kidnapping someone from the high school farewell night, the foregone won't be able to be worn if you keep running like this.
'Honey, we're here.' Finally Fitri stopped after a long run.
'Basketball court?' I said.
Fitri looked down, her breathing was still irregular. Now the bun on his head tilted slightly because he couldn't run. No answer came out of his mouth. I don't know why he dares to say he loves directly now, not by phone, not via SMS? I don't know why he pulled me to the basketball court? He said he wanted to take a photo together. Do you have to play basketball first? Feelings of pleasure are evenly distributed in confusion in my mind.
'I love you Driii' Fitri approached suddenly, hugging my body.
Silence, I hear nothing but the sound of my own heartbeat. 'Deg deg' the longer the tempo the faster. Fitri tightened her arms even more, my body froze.
'I'm afraid of losing you dear, I'm afraid. I often wish you were with me on this basketball court, favorite place, with loved ones, it just feels comfortable. Sorry for being selfish all this time, too proud to be with you, running away to see you. Sorry, I'm sorry, I don't want us to be far' whispered Fitri with her cheeks starting to get wet. Trying to hold on to me.
How stupid I was then, lips still too frozen to move. My hands couldn't even return Fitri's hug. Sometimes I think dreams that come true suddenly, are more risky than a heart attack. The proof is that there are no words that I can say, I'm like paralyzed, forget how to talk. Maybe all this time Fitri has also had the same feeling of longing as I do, maybe she also wants to be together, and maybe I can't see that too. Still in his arms, the heart still feels warm and reassuring.
My hands started to rub Fitri's head, trying to calm her down. 'We can't do anything. Today I realized that I do not love alone. on the other hand, I realize we're starting to feel alone now. Although not together like other couples, thank you dear for accompanying me, it has become a warm part of this heart.'
Fitri slowly released her arms from me, now she put her eyes straight into mine for the first time. The look in the eyes of a woman who just finished crying, I couldn't bear to see it. Fitri said a sentence that until now has always made me feel special… 'I love you'. I also replied to him.
And right in the middle of the basketball court at night, under the dim lights at the edge of the court, with the faint sound of the farewell night music still being heard, I kissed Fitri's forehead.
'Trust me baby, we'll be together again, someday…'
'Amien' Fitri smiled, agreeing with my belief. Uh, wrong. We both believe
