Jealousy Cuts Deep

Jealousy is part of one's emotion. They came for a visit because you felt someone or something precious is being taken away from you. It cuts deep and it can turn ugly. The scar it left you runs along with time unless we can overcome it.

My brother and I would go back during school break. Twice every year and stayed for a month. When my sister started to attend school, she wasn't able to travel as and when; which of course affected my mum's visiting schedule. It gets lesser as the year goes by. She has then cut her visit to once every three month eventually gradually twice a year or thrice if we are lucky.

There is no favoritism even if there are. We are not sure which kid has it. My sister is 8 years younger than me. Being 3 when I left home, was then a great advantage. Since she is in the catagory of "being too young to be sent away". Hence, she stayed with my parents. All the way.

During holidays, I would be excited and happy to be home. I would never have thought this to occur to me, but when I went back for my third visit and she was 5. I realized that I was very much envious of her.

Being the youngest, I cannot change that.

It seemed that she owns the whole world. While we were away. She gets it all. Simply said, the moment we left home. She, has received the only child treatment. For many, who are not the only child. This treatment is heavenly blessing and beyond words. Much better than your parents taking only you for a meal and to the mall. Just you and only you. She receiving that - I cannot change that.

And I.

Having to be away, I cannot change that.

As years go by. Time changes many things and some things are built in time, with time. And this. Sadly, I cannot and is not in my power to rebuke it.

I regardless was.

Jealous of her, who is able to be around our parents.

Jealous of her, who gets the spotlight from all the families and friends since they knew her better than I who disappeared years ago.

Jealous of her, who shared my mum's secrets before I do.

Jealous of her, for her being her. The youngest.

And I cannot but deny how I hated to be an elder sister. I had to keep in mind that she is my younger sister, one that needs to be loved. Within the ideology of being the eldest, I have to overcome the displeasure of this jealousy that is coming to me.

I never get passed it. For a very long time.

Very very long time.

I have good relationship with her now. But have I really gotten past that phase? Maybe.

But. Maybe not.

Along the way, I realized that unless we can overcome it. Nothing really can take away this jealously. It's just like a thief who kept coming and robbing you out of your joy. Just like a digger machine kept digging to make holes letting you see the ugliness within yet not reminding you that we are different.

There is no reasons when it comes to jealousy, it plays with your mind. At 12,I tasted the bitterness, ugliness and brokenness of it. It give an unanswerable question.

"Why does it have to be me?"

"Why is it not me?"

Slowly and gradually.

At 15.

I somewhat try to master the power of mind. In the case of jealousy, I avoided them. I get over them by forcing my mind and soul out to not think about them. And that skill shall be the beginning of my journey to being a pokerface in time of jealousy reincarnate.

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