chapter two

After making myself another cup of black coffee,exactly two spoon sugar,I walked around my place looking like a zombie with a cute pale pink T-shirt I've bought yesterday from Target....

I started to untangle the mess of dark brown hair on top of my head..

I didn't get more than four hours sleep yesterday, and with the we works we did, and shopping,I am tired to the bones and probably looking like a complete dead person...

Finally,I untangled the mop of my hair and started to braid it make myself look presentable..

I laughed at the irony of my thoughts..

We're trying to look presentable now,are we?

I shook my head at my sudden snarky comment and put on a pair of blue jeans that I've owned since... forever.

It seems like I've been here since forever..

It's... I'd like to say funny but it's really not how everything I've always wanted to forget is always there, just under the surface..any chance it gets and it always reminds me of my past..of myself... of everything I didn't want to remember..

Shaking my head at my sudden outburst of hatred towards my mind, I put on the only pair of white sneakers I've got...

Without any further waiting, I dialed Evan's number..

I don't want to sit here by myself and think..  it needs to stop...

He picked up in the second ring, making it obvious that he's awake already..

I rolled my eyes as I put him on speaker..

Of course he is, that guy is a friggin control freak..he probably woke Eve up at this early, just because he's going to his uncle's..

"I hope you didn't woke Eve up, it's really early now..let her sleep."

Without anymore pleasantries,I got to the point...

Yep that's me. Always the professional..

He just laughed from the other end and informed me that he hasn't... Good.

"I'm already on my way..be there in a bit. Don't get outside."

"Go to hell, Gaeddert "

I hung up listening to the thundering laugh of Evan..

Ever the control freak he is, he warned me not to get out into the cold air, which I'm not going to anyway...

I don't like people to order me around, but I really don't mind when it's him, he knows I'm not gonna listen to him for the most part anyway...

True to his word, I heard a knock on my door at right five thirty and opened the door to reveal a shivering dude..

"You look like shit." Evan grinned at me as I pushed by his shoulder to get outside and the cold air hit my face..

"Gee.. thanks for the compliment, asshole."I rubbed my palms to make it a bit warm..

This cold weather is seriously fucking with me..

Thankfully, I've been to Target yesterday and bought this dark violet sweater that I'm starting to love as I climbed up his truck..

Evan's truck was much more warm than the cold air outside so I couldn't help the relieved sigh as I slumped against the leather seat..

I don't get what guys love about all these masculine stuff.. leather seat, leather jacket leather ****.. unnecessary waste of money.

Smirking at my sudden inside jokes,I looked around the familiar environment as we drove the short distance from my house to Evan's..

"Thanks for taking care of Eve today,Trin. I wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for you taking care of her.."

He thanked me for taking care of Eve for the  thousandth of time and I rolled my eyes,as always..

"Do you see me thanking you because you saved my life, literally." I shook my head at him, "Besides,Eve isn't as annoying as you so

you can chill now.."

He chuckled, muttering a "Yes ma'am " before he concentrated on the road....

The drive was silent afterwards,but it wasn't uncomfortable..

After all,we spend one frigging week in complete silence!

I know he doesn't likes it when I bring that up, but I'm just saying.....

So you know, whatever.

I rolled my eyes at him as he started about talking what I am to do to take care of his little sister but I shushed him by plugging in my earphones..

"I know what I exactly need to do to take care of your sister,so you can stop ordering me.. Besides, I'm never gonna follow through your plans,we both know that."

I stuck out my tongue before replying him, and I tuned out the world..

                             ************

The short drive took more time than it should, because ofcourse Evan is a safe driver..

I wouldn't say the same about me tho..not that I have a car or anything.

But I know how to drive, since my best friend is a nut and wants me to know everything of cars, including how to drive one..

I didn't had a choice..

I smiled and waved at Evan as he dropped me off at his house and went to his uncle's, then I picked the copy of Pride and prejudice before paddling into Eve's room..

Opening the door as soundlessly as possible,I walked inside her room..

She remembers me of the barbie dolls I used to be so in love with when I was a kid. Everything in her house is either pink, white or violet.. these are her favourite colours,as she'd remark..The bed is shaped as a flower, pink fluffy pillows are scattered everywhere along with blue, yellow, pink and some other colours of teddy bears..

One of the biggest teddy,a giant red bear that's bigger than her own self (who she calls as Mr. Taffy) is lying beside her,one of her hand hugging it tightly to her chest..

Eve has red hair, like fire..the same as Evan.

She's only six but her features are already sharp enough to make her look much older...

I smiled as I looked at her little arms hugging a the teddy as she mumbled in her sleep...

She is like a exact same replica of his brother, just smaller.. She has the same nose,eyes and hair as her brother..

It makes me sad that her mother would leave this little girl just for the sake of her own life....

But it's no surprise to me that what people can do for their own selves..or should I say, what they would not do?

Again,I shook my head as I stared at the little girl sleeping peacefully on her bed..

I'm not the most reliable person,I agree but somehow Eve has made her way into my my mind...

It amazes me how she made me talk for the first time,as it amazes me that even when she's only six she doesn't mentions her mum because "that'd hurd Bobbie"....

I patted her head slightly, careful enough not to wake her as I do so before walking outside to get her breakfast ready..

I didn't check the clock but it was already past seven when I started making omelets..

That poor little thing doesn't gets to sleep more than a little past six everyday..

I'd literally die if I were to wake up that early!

When Evan isn't here and she doesn't have school today, I'll cut her some slacks and let her sleep for as long as she wants to..

I grinned as I remembered that Evan told me to wake Eve at exactly seven AM but we both know that I'll do what I want..

"Goodmorning Tin Tin.."

I smiled at the sound of Eve's voice as she came into the kitchen...

"Good morning,Eve bear. You're awake already?"

I grinned as she smiled evilly at me..

"Yeah, Evan would kill you if he knows you let me sleep till nine thirty.."

I waved my hand in the air, smirking down at the six years old..For a six years old, she's got a head of a adult..

"If only he gets to know that. Which he won't. You slept exactly till seven AM then we watched TV while eating breakfast.."

She giggled as she walked to the sink and poured her a glass of water.

"That's why I love you so much,Tin Tin...My mouth is sealed."

I grinned back at her, "Now let's get you some food, your brother would kill me if he knows you're starving till now.."

"Omelets!I love omelets!" She squealed as she started digging in her omelet..

I stared at my cereals before putting one spoon in my mouth...

"Thanks for taking care of me,Tin Tin."

I stared at the little girl eating her breakfast peacefully, and couldn't help but think about the similarities between us two..

I was almost like her..minus the plush toys of course, because my parents would never afford it..and they didn't care enough also, correction,my father didn't care enough to buy me any toys..

But I was much mature than the other kids my age,it could be because of my...environment or it could be something else, I'm not sure either way..but I was always very silent. Calm.

Well.. maybe calm isn't the word. Because I never felt.. calm. It has always been complete chaos, inside and out of my head..

I was walking down the memory lane so I didn't realise that Eve was waiting for a reply,not until she cleared her throat atleast..

I flinched as I came into present time, revealing in the circumstances that makes a kid lose it's innocence..

I never remember being innocence, maybe because I never was.

I stared back at the little girl still eating her food without much of a word,but somehow I knew what she was thinking..

"Eve. You're not a burden,on anyone. Not on me, not on Bobbie. You get that?Don't ever beat yourself up over this.."

I stared into her eyes to make her realise how much I mean these words,and thankfully she looked up and stared back at me,her grey eyes and my green one stared into each other for a few moments before she looked away, nodding slightly to let me know that she understands..

I hope she does, seriously.

"I'll.... turn the TV on,then we can watch barbie dolls together.."

I backtracked, grinning at her as I turned the TV on..

After all,I don't want her to feel uncomfortable for the whole time I stay with her..

This is one of the rare moments when she squeals as I sat across from her on the L shaped couch of Evan that is strictly forbidden for Eve to sit on because she leaves popcorns all over it..

"This day is the best day of my life,Tin Tin!" She squealed some more as I handed her a bag full of popcorns...

Mine as well, little one.. I thought but I just smiled at her as she started gushing about barbie and her sisters..

                         ***************

By the time it was noon,she was fast asleep at the couch after eating a half of the extra cheese pizza she's forbidden to eat, and I'm still smiling at myself as I open the door for Evan to get in..

"I hope she didn't-"

I know he was worrying that she created problems for me, which he sure as hell knows she won't so I just cut to the crap and flipped him off..

"I'm sure we had fun doing everything you've forbidden Eve to do..."

He stopped whatever he was saying and shook his head as he kept his coat in the hanger before walking inside and smiled at Eve as she snorted slightly at the couch..

"I see, you've done a good job of doing everything I had warned you not to.."

He grinned at me as he walked to Eve, pulling her into his arms as he carried her to her bedroom..

Thankfully,she stirred but didn't wake from her sleep as she was laid down onto her bed and I turned the lights off..

As soundlessly as possible, we came out of her room and I launched myself into his couch..

"Your sister is the sweetest thing ever." I remarked but then groaned as I remembered that I still have to go to the club in... one hour.

Just great.

I stared at Evan, who looks almost smug as he picks up two coffee mugs and fills it to the brim,mine black and his with as much cream as it can support....

I rolled my eyes as he purposefully gave three spoon of sugar and smirked at me as he handed me the cup..

"Jerk." I muttered, receiving the cup from him as he sat from across of me..

He snorted,"Says someone who snaps at people to get their attention off her."

I just rolled my eyes at him this time,no need to put on the show of hostility..

"How was your day yesterday?I heard some drunk shit came into the club while you were inside.."

I almost sprayed coffee all over his spotless couch.... almost.

That stupid bitch!She can't keep her mouth shut!

"Um..It was okay. I managed."

I coughed into the cup as I stared at the dark black liquid..

"Care to elaborate what exactly happened yesterday?"

Evan isn't much bigger than me, probably twenty five years old, that makes five years difference between us..

But if you're impressed with his mildness and think he's a softie, I'll give you a advice.. Don't.

This guy knows how to make people cry,as he knows how to make them laugh..

He looks upon me as a sister,so I wouldn't be surprised if he starts to scold me now....tho he hasn't scolded me .Ever.

But I've watched him scold Eve, and trust me,it isn't nice.. thankfully,I had played as her savior every time when he started to get really angry..

Or I hope I was...

I definitely don't want him to scold me like that, dammit...

Not that I'm scared of him or anything..

I sighed.. okay,Trin. Time to grow some balls..

I finally looked up at him,well..his forehead as I repeated the occurrences of yesterday..

I waited for him to scream at me,or tell me that I was careless to leave the door open at that time of night, much less stay there till that late..

I guess there's still a little part of me scared of screaming as I sat there,my shoulders stiff and hands clenching and unclenching repeatedly..

But as always, Evan surprised me by patting me in the shoulder,it was a simple gesture but I cringed inwardly..

There's the thing with me, even after all these years.. I feel dirty.

I still feel the hands against my skin as I screamed..

I closed my eyes tightly to make the images of my past go away,but they just kept coming.. making me feel sick from inside out.

I didn't realise that I had stood up and was walking until I walked outside and felt the freezing air hit my bare skin..

I had decided to put off my sweater halfway through today,but I'm thankful that I did as I stared at the trees that has covered in white..

This time,I didn't move away from the cold air,I welcomed it to me..to make me feel numb again.

I don't want to feel anything.

I screamed but nothing came out of my mouth as I just stood there for...for I don't know how long.

I just know that I stood there until I felt the cold air seeping into every bones,every pores of my skin, making my toes and fingers numb.. I stood there until I felt numb.

Inside and outside.

Then,I unlocked the door and walked inside...

Evan was sitting in the same position he was sitting when I left him, the only difference is that he's got a box in front of him...a leather box,by the way it looks..

I looked at the ground as I walked to him, soundlessly... That's the problem,when I expect me to scream,to cry to do something other than being silent,I don't..

I just turn.. silent.

He didn't look at me when he stood up.

"It's time we get to Niall's..You get ready, I'll drive you by."

I didn't look at him as I replied..I couldn't.

How could I?He was only trying to help me when I just go on and..shut off on him.

But that's the problem..I don't know how to not shut off.

"I.. I'm sorry for that, Evan..I shouldn't have had done-"

I was cut off as he waved his hand in a dismissing manner,

"I get it,Trin. You don't need to be sorry for anything...I get it."

This time,I stared at him to see if he's lying or not, and he nodded meaning everything he said.

What he didn't say is that: You don't need to push anything.

That's the good thing about Evan Gaeddert, he can be downright annoying but you won't find another guy as understanding as him.. I can bet on that!

"I'll meet you in a bit.."I stared at the clock to see I have half an hour to get ready today..

Okay..I don't wanna be late today!

                             *************

Tying the grey apron strings as I walked to the main door that differentiates the staff-only room and the club,I sighed...

Okay. Let's do this..

Taking in a deep breath,I pushed the big glass doors and peeked inside..

The thing with Niall's is that it's a somewhat spherical room with tiny prisms covering the whole ceiling that reflects the light coming from the tiny club laser lights that is situated in between these prisms, making half of the room look like it's space..

However,the dancing floor that I'm so fucking terrified of is dim, with only red lasers moving along with each of the bumps and beats of the Ellie Goulding music that people love so much..

I'm sure Niall choose the dim lighting because he's full aware of people's intention as they dance in there..

I gulped audibly, almost certain that people can hear me..

Thankfully,no one paid any attention to the girl peeking into the club looking like she'll puke on the floor..

And the funniest thing is that, I'll have to reach the bar,that is actually seated right in the middle of the dancing floor... that means, I'll have to push through the heavy mass of people dancing wildly to reach my destination...

Another gulp.

You'd think after working two years in this place, I'd finally be able to get my shit together as I walk by the small distance from the door to the bar and not jump at every beat with the song as if someone smacked me in the ***...

But no such luck, even now..

I'm still that scardy cat who jumps at the slightest sounds of voice behind my ear,or when I feel someone's hand brush over my skin...

Ugh.Lets get this over with,Trin..

Cringing at the feeling as I felt all the people dancing around me and their bodies touching with mine,I tried to dodge them but it was of no use as people brushed by me...

I don't what happened exactly,but I felt my feet stopping, right in the middle of the dance floor where people are dancing wildly.. enjoying themselves,just in the moment.

I closed my eyes,and for a fraction of moment I was back in the days again...

I was again the five years old kid, hiding away in his father's wardrobe as the screams reflected through the walls of the wardrobe, making her bite into her lip until she tasted the coppery taste of blood in her mouth..

I felt the shiver wreaking through her body as she heard something like glass breaking,then the sound of leather smacking with skin filled her ears..

Pressing her tiny palms against her face,she screamed..

Or she tried to,but nothing came out of her mouth as she felt the salty taste of tears mix with the taste of blood in her mouth..

Then suddenly, I felt the scene change in front me,I felt the darkness of the wardrobe vanish,and for a second I felt peace.. like, that nightmare was finally over..

I saw darkness,or better,I only saw darkness in front of me...I was revealing in the peace of the moment when I was thrown into another scene...

I felt my body jerking as they bound me to the headboard, making my screaming stop as they pushed a wad of cloth in my mouth..

I screamed, struggled wildly but it was a lost cause..

I was alone, always alone as I tried fighting off the guy who tried to bind my wrists together..

Let me go!

I screamed,but they didn't hear another word as I was thrown into the bed,my head hit the metal headboard as one of them started to tear the shirt apart from my body..

I tried screaming again,but the cloth around my mouth wasn't helping,I only managed to release a strangled sob..

like the one you see a wild animal do when they're hurt.. trying to fight with the last breath left in their body..

I looked at my father, willing him to understand me..to stop them..

No! Don't! Don't do this,dad. Don't let them do this to me.. Please. Please..

I waited for him to drag the guy with yellow teeth off of me as he finally managed to tear the cloth off my body, exposing me for all to see..

I released another one of those strangled sob as they run their filthy hands off of me..

Please father.. Save me.

I looked into the eyes of my father again, praying for the last time for him to understand me...

It was only then,he smiled at me,his white teeth gleaming in the light as he made his way to me...

For a fraction of second,I had hope..I had hope that I had finally got to my father,and he'll now free me..Save me.

But as he made his way towards me,I saw the guy with yellow teeth grin wickedly at him as he backed off..

What...

I didn't get the chance to end my thought as he leaned over my ear and started whispering,his voice coaxing me like I was still a five year old kid..

"Shhh..baby. Don't make a sound, your mama's sleeping in the next room.You don't want to wake her,do you?"

I gasped,or I think I did as he started laughing wildly...there was no warmness in his laugh now..

It sent chills down my spine and I started to struggle harder..

"I'll be done with you before you even realise it,now shut your filthy mouth and let me **** you."

My eyes burst open as I realised I was standing in middle of a number of people who had now stopped their dancing and is currently staring at me standing there like a statue.

I didn't realise I was crying until a drop of moisture dropped in my outstretched palm that was covering my mouth tightly..

I didn't wait to gauge the reaction of the spectators who watched me breaking down before I was rushing into the restrooms..

I forced my shaking hands to to lock me into one of the toilet and sat onto it,now feeling more exhausted than ever..

I swiped at the moisture in my cheeks,as the shiver wreaked over my body...

You'll never be able to heal..

Covering my palms over my mouth,I screamed..

I want to forget this!

I don't want to remember the hands over my bare skin!

I don't want to remember the words of my...him!

I want to let it go!

There were so many thoughts running in my mind,utter chaos,they were just trying to break free of the invisible barrier,and come out from under the surface...

I opened my mouth to scream again but only a strangled whimper made it's way out of my mouth as I collapsed to the ground..

It's always been like this.. Everytime I think I'm almost there, I've almost forgot the days..then it all comes rushing back to me, breaking me bits by bits..

I don't know how long I just sat there, screaming silently as I stared at the ground but when I felt the pain numbing my senses,I pulled myself together and stood up..

After unlocking the door,I checked if anyone was there and when realised that the place was empty except the occasional trembling sounds of my breathing,I walked to the mirror and looked into my reflection..

Yep. I look like shit...

My eyeliner has made two lines of black in both of my cheeks and the makeup I've put on has now almost washed off, and I don't even want to talk about the state of my lipstick..

I pulled out another wad of tissue that I keep in my apron and started cleaning the mess I made in my face, after much scrubbing and washing when I've finally made all the makeup leave my face again,I tossed the napkin into the dustbin and sighed...

God knows what they're thinking I'm doing now..I gotta get back to the bar now..

Licking my lips,a nervous gesture I've got from Venus,I gave myself a pep talk..

Okay,Trin..You got this. You just need to avoid eye contact till eleven and then you are free to go..You got this.

I sighed again,but this time not letting myself think any further,I pushed the doors of the restrooms open and walked outside,my mind set that I'm gonna do this right...

                          ***************

I didn't look at anyone as I started on making the drinks...

Of course,I didn't want anyone whispering about the strange chick of Niall's crying in the club..

I smirked at myself, remembering that there's a song of Camilla Cabello of the exact name...

Ahh..what a irony it is!

However,I was thankful that my job was to make drinks,not deliver them, I delivered it because I like doing it.. sometimes.

Today isn't one of the times..

I avoided looking into people,and also talking to them as much as possible..

Occasional smiling and nodding,I can somewhat do but I don't have it in me to make small talks with people so I called V to work outside while I serve her the drinks..

It was my time to deliver the drinks today, according to plastic blonde but as V noticed the terrified look on my face,she chased her off and let me work inside,where I'm most comfortable..

"Thanks V. I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for you chasing bitch queen off.."I whispered to her as she joined me in the bar..

She grinned at me,but her face become serious as she asked if I'm okay..

That's the good thing about V, it doesn't matter how big her mouth is,her heart is bigger...tho she looks like some cranky bitch all the time, she's a real softie..

I remembered for the nth time how thankful I am to have friends like her in my life and nodded with a small smile..

"It's just..I had a cold. And I didn't wanted to work outside today.."

I know I lied,but... surprisingly enough, I'm still not ready to reveal my past to her,so I thought lying was the best option..

"You want me to ask Niall to let you go now?You know,he won't say no if I ask.."

I smiled back at her, knowing how much she hates talking to Niall yet she's willing to talk to him just because I'm sick,fake sick..

I won't lie,I was thinking of using this opportunity and getting a leave early,but then I told my subconscious to shove it and shook my head at her, assuring her that I'll be alright..

As much as I'd like to hide inside my room and never come back out, I'm never going to hide from myself..

Because the real demons always stays within yourself..

I was done..I was fucking done being the scared little girl anymore..

                          ***************

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