Part 3

In Ramadan season a couple of years after I move back to my hometown, my parent’s best friends were hosting a party, a get together, and a reunion you could say. There I was introduce to my now one of my best friends, by my father former co-worker. Luckily, I am trying to make my circle of friends bigger, but I was still very selective of whom I invite in. So, when she introduces me to her, she said that, this girl (who is younger than me) is her daughter. I was surprise at first, because I have known her for years now, and that she only has a son. They never tell me that back in our hometown, her son has a sibling. The look of my face was very clear, that I was confuse. But after the introduction, I chatted with her, and she is such a lovely person, we just click together. we talk and exchange contacts and follow each other’s Instagram account. Then she said to me that she has another older brother too. And it’s not the one I knew, it’s a different person. So, in my mind, I was counting, they are three siblings in total. And she is the youngest. I did not ask too many questions about their origin, I was mainly just asks about her school, and trying to figure out her personalities. For meeting her for the first time, I can sense that she can be in my circle of friends. Even after that party, we continue to chat together, asking her “how are you?” too sometimes. I am the type of person likes to check on my friends, and supporting them always.

A couple of months later, the oldest brother, in their family, the one who I known to just be an only son, but apparently not. Are getting married soon, so my parents and me was invited to the wedding ceremony. I was so excited to meet all of them again. After I see her, I ran and said hello, and say “long time no see!”. She was surprise and glad to see me at the exact same time. After that I just stay close to her, because almost all the people who came to the wedding, I have never met, except the groom’s family. But when it was time to finally eat, we were separated, I ate with my parents and she is still need to greet all of the guests who came. I was feeling overwhelmed, because of the amount of people who came. After I ate, I went and search for her again. I saw that she was with a boy. And because I knew she has a brother, I figured there he is. And I was right. The boy next to her was her other older brother, the one I just recently knew about. He sees me coming from a far, and his sister have not notice me yet, so he taps her shoulder and pointed at me. She greets me again, and the introduction began. She said “this is my brother”, second oldest son in the family. We shake hands and he just react normally, and me too. But I can sense that in my mind, he is not in a good mood, or just shy? I don’t know why I think like that. I just brush it off my head. After a while, people a starting to go back home. And we were still together sitting on a chair in the corner. I saw that he was holding a plate full of foods, and I said “have you not eaten dinner yet?”, he answered “yes”, but have not touch the food he was holding. When I pointed at the plate, he said, it was rude of him if he eats and I’m not. Even after I told him that it is okay to eat, he’s still hesitance. We all end up just talking. And then I ask him if he has an Instagram or not? So, I follow him, and he too, follow me back. After that, I was called by my parents saying it’s time to go home. I was still wanting to be with them, but there is a family gathering that we need to attend to. So, I quickly say goodbye and we went to the car and drove to the restaurant where my extended family are waiting for us.

In the restaurant, he DM me via Instagram. I was surprise, because I was just about to message them both, and thank them for wanting to be my friends. In the DM he asks for my phone number. So, I gave it to him. After that in minutes he messages me again from WhatsApp this time, saying that “You are amazing” to me. After he said that, I laugh so hard, and say “I don’t believe you”. But he keeps on complementing me, because I wrote a bunch of my feelings and perception of this world on Instagram. Especially back then, my world was very black and white. Long story short, he tells me that even though my world is colourless, I am still giving colour to this world, whether I realise it or not. His words were very poetic. I can tell that he is someone who is so good with words, and he knows it. So, I took a turn in our conversation, saying can we all three go hangouts, meet up someday. And he and her sister agree. We arrange the date to when we are all free. I believe it was a month later we meet up at the mall, in the middle of where I am and where they are lived . After hanging out, I was happy and satisfied, I choose to let them into my life.

Even though we rarely see each other, due to our house being far away from each other’s, we three still keep in touch. And then I develop a feeling coming up for him. I like that he is serious, but at the exact same time he is funny. I can tell that he is the type who is academic, and he major in Law. It’s happening again, I said to myself, I am developing feelings to someone who I know that I cannot be with. And I tell myself that to let this feeling die, I need to tell him how I feel. Even though I had been here before, and last time I regret it. But at the exact same time, I feel a push to have to tell him. So, I did it, I message him. I wrote that “I know this coming out of nowhere, but I think I have a romantic feeling towards you. I know that our worlds are far apart, I still want to tell you how I feel”. He replies back, with words full of respect. He thanks me for liking him, but he could not accept me. He said that “the problem is not because we live in different life, he is just not in a good state of mind or not in the phase of life to be with someone”. I was confused at first, but eventually I understand, I cannot force him to be with me. I just answered saying “can we still be friends?” he said “of course!”. That is the start of me letting him go, and manage my feelings. There was a time where I was sad, and I chatted with his sister, whose I am already close with, and tell her everything. She was surprise, and ask me “what can I do to help?”. I said there is no need, I just want to tell you about it, because you are one of my best friends.

After all that, me and him rarely sees each other. It’s already been years since the last time we hangout the three of us. Now it’s only the two of us, me and his sister. I am so grateful to still have a healthy friendship with them both. I was still curious about their background, and I ask them bluntly “how come I never know you two are the other siblings? of whom I already consider my older brother”, their faces did not change, I thought that by asking them the question, they would not want to answer. But surprisingly they welcome me to their world. The answer they gave to me, makes me confuse, and sad at the same time. The short version of the story is they have been abandoning by their biological parents and are now adopted by my father co-worker, who is now their “mom”. But the one thing that makes me confuse, they said to me, that technically they are her younger siblings. Inside I was shock, but I don’t want to make them regret telling me the truth. So, I listen to them both sharing their story and not judging them at all. Just a friend who is willing to listen. I believe I am the only one who knew that it’s a lot more complicated than just her adopting them both. Now even after the very awkward “love” confession to him, I am now considered them as my family. And not seeing them differently just because of who is their biological parents.

I have a feeling that he is a gentleman. That is one of the reasons I fall for him. I was thinking as to why I can fall in love so quickly. I cannot control it, and I am embarrassed of my heart.

I may never been in a serious relationship before, because I am not that type of person who like to be in a romantic relationship just for fun. I am fully aware that I can get advantage of, some people think I am oblivious, but I am not. That is why I am very protective of my heart. It is not easy for me to let people in my world. I am friendly to people, but I still need to always continue to remind myself that there are good people out there, and not just bad ones. My fear of people has not died, they all have been fooled by my masked. But like everything, there is a positive side to it and a negative one too.

I would always try to not judge other people, because I know how it feels like to be constantly heavily judge on every little thing that you do. All of that makes me a very open-minded person, who a lot of people like, but I still feel like it is a small hole, that people can pry open and hurt me brutally.

I remain calm being content with being single. I don’t want to just randomly pick someone to be with. I have made that mistake before. I have not yet told you the story of the period of time where I look so despaired, and forcing myself into a situation that can be consider dangerous and end up making me traumatised. I feel so dumb, reflect on it, I was still always want a validation from other people. And it starts to leek into the world of romantic attractions. In the next part I will tell you the whole story of me meeting people and be in a place or communities where it is not a healthy one. At first, I had contemplated about should I tell this part of the story or not. But after all the thinking I have been doing, I believe we can all, yes “we”, me and you, us, can learn from my mistake, and try to reflect on it more deeply than ever before. Even I have been putting it off from writing these experiences on my diary, because it’s too embarrassing to the point of me just want to buried it on the ground. Out of side from anyone, erase it, but I know it is not possible. What I can do right now are just own up to my mistakes, and do not repeat it ever again.

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