Part 2

In the same month, my uncle from my mother side passed away (it’s a different uncle) . And it was during the pandemic of Covid 19. My mother and my father helping my aunt who was left behind by her husband. Because my parents concern about me, I was told to just stay at home, so I did not go to the funeral home. But I beg to my father to allow me to at least go to the burial place. When he “okay”, I rush to get ready, and wait for him to pick me up. When we arrive to the burial place, I look at the red car, and the door was opening, then he came out. I can see that he wants to greet us. But I was quiet, I did not expect him to be there too. I really thought he will be super busy, like always. Because we arrive earlier than others, we all just stand there, waiting. After everyone finally arrive, the funeral service begins. I saw him opening the large bag pack he is holding, and he took out his saxophone, he played right next to me, I was thinking that this is bad, I keep having these “feelings” for him. So, to not think of the impossible, I move backwards, moving away from him.

In the same year, four of my extended family members passed away. It took a toll on my mental health. But I can’t imagine or compare the grieve they all felt to mine. Because of that we had been meeting each other more frequently. I was not wanting to communicate to him just yet, due to my fear of cannot keep this burning passion I felt for him. Even when he tried to talk to me, I would make some space around him. It looks weird, and I may have made him even more confuse. Now two years had passed, the pandemic was becoming little by little calmer. And to be announce the end of the pandemic.

Now that we can physically meet people, lots of people was so impatient to reunited with their love ones.

In the two years of quarantine, I made a decision to try to open up to other people, and let others into my life. So, I tried with the people I already know, what I mean is my extended family (because, I have zero friend back then). So, I tried chatting a lot more to him. Almost every day I chatted him, and he was willing to hear my rants, and my anxiety. In the middle of the night, I would like to call him, and even to the extent of waiting for him every night, because I chatted to him, about how he helps me get out from a very dark place. He called me, and panic. I think what I wrote to him, came across as like a suicide note. For him being that concern about me, makes me want to be closer to him. But like at the very time of meeting him, I know this can’t be anything other than brothers, and sisters’ relationship.

So, after a couple of months passed again, I took a courage to ask him to meet up with me in person, and eat sushi together. At first, he hesitates, I can tell he does not want to go to my house region, because our house is so far apart. But I tell him, I will be the one who go to the mall near his house. He agreed, and when the day came, my heart was beating so hard, and super hungry too. I don’t have the energy to talk, so I apologise for staying quiet during our meal together. After we ate, he asks me “why do you want to see me in person?”. I try to explained, saying “I have a target of a total of 5 people I want to meet up in person, so I can learn to see colours in my black and white world. And I want to get to know you better” I said. I think he gets it, and he start to tell me the story of his life and his family. He was very open, and did not hesitate to tell me almost all his secrets. He tells me that I am the first extended family to know the story. I sat there quietly listen to his rants, and feel sad hearing his past. In my heart, I was glad he wants to open to me too, so it’s not one-sided friendships, but at the exact same time, I was super confused about what to say, or do when there is someone in front of you being super venerable. I was doing my best to not make him feel bad, and tell him that what we have are a safe place, no judgement. I was glad to finally have a friend. He is my very first one I let into my world, even when I am terrified of it.

His grandmama was visiting to see all of her children, and my mother wants to see her. So, me, my mom, and my uncle together drove to my mother cousin’s house (the place where the grandmama stayed). When we were still on the way, I chatted him and ask if he would come or not? He said he will try if he can. So, I just assume that he is not coming. But to my surprise be came. He said “I said I’ll try, so here I am”, it was nice seeing him again, but not at a funeral this time. When I was there that day, my mindset was so messed up, because I just freshly open up a very old wound, so I was not stable, and on the verge of crying. When there are no other people, we are waiting for, we start to eat together. After dinner, he started playing the piano, I sat next to him, and ask him if I can chat with him. “I still have 30 minutes before I have to go to my band rehearsal” he said. Please note that I was in a state of wanting to scream my mind out. So, because of that I told him about my past, specifically about my trauma of sexual abuse when I was just a little girl. And said that the peoples who did it was in our family, it was my uncle. He goes quiet, and keep playing the piano, but with a face full of perplexity. “it’s not who I think it is right? Right?” he said it twice. Then I answered “no”, and he was relief. And after that he said that even if the ones who did it was a family member, I have the rights to cut them off, and don’t need to pretend that everything was okay, and nothing had ever happened. Just don’t listen to the one who don’t understand you. I had mixed feelings, because it feels good to have someone care about you, but not enough time to talk more with him. I felt like the 30 minutes went by quickly.

I was still not satisfied talking to him, so I force my mom and my uncle to drove me to meet him again in person. When I arrive, I can see that he was not eager to see me again, I think he is already exhausted to help me. But I push him hard, because the place was loud, sat next to him and tried to talk to him, but carefully, so no one can hear what I said to him. I felt like I need to tell him who is the ones who assaulted me. I told him, he just listens, and after 1 minute of silent, he said “I don’t think he meant to assault you, he must have a reason why”. I was so hurt by those words of his. I was disappointed, and angry too. But I did not show it to him. The only thing I say was “thank you for listening to me”.

That night I cried until I’m fall asleep. I did not call him anymore, or chatted him, because I had felt like I was being betrayed by the person whom I trust and close with.

I don’t remember when it is exactly, but I message him a long rant of the reason why I am mad at him. He freaks out and said that he did not hurt me, and he is super confused, because at that time I said thank you to him, so he did not understand me at all. and he felt like I am accusing him taking sides of the people who assaulted me (the funny thing is, that is want I am trying to tell him). He does not want the drama, so we stop communicating.

I feel like I messed up, even though I am truly mad at him, I was sad to lose a friend.

The next year came, and my cousin are getting married, so I was preparing myself on what to do when I see him again. Because I know he will be there. When I arrive to the church, I saw him first, and I just ignore him. But to my surprise he sees me and ask if I had already eaten? I said “yes”, and nodded to him. When the party start, and everyone trying to find somewhere to sit, he sees me again and called me to sit next to him. I sat down, and apologize to him about what I said that make you mad. He was cool with it. After that even though it’s still so awkward, I was relief to be able to talk to him again. In that party I can still sense that he is giving me a much bigger space then before. But I know the reason why, so I don’t really want to think about it anymore, it’s all in the past for me. Just because he was nice to me a little bit, and forgave me, my mind still plays the encounter on replay. I am weird like that. Overthinking about all of the little things, and thinking it’s a sign or something. I was lost in my mind, and I decided to take the very wrong turn. I chat him again in the middle of the night. Saying that I like him romantically. My hands were shaking.

I pressed the sent button. And wait for his reply. In my head I would be rejected, but at least let me down easily and I would be free from this “feelings” I have for him. But the opposite happened. He was furious, and said “what the F? we are cousins, you are basically my sister”. I know I said, but if we are not cousins, do you like me back? He was very uncomfortable with my questions, and he said that “nope, not at all, I have a specific type, and you are not one of them”. After that conversation, he never wants to talk to me again. Even when I am sending him all of the possible message, from apologize repeatedly to him, to just play like what I said never happened. And none of them work. This time I messed up even bigger than before. And a simple apology cannot do anything. Because I am the type of person who can’t take a hint, (the big red flag, and not taking the hint that he does not want to talk to me), I keep sending him message. And he never replies back or even read it. And then I saw that he blocks me on WhatsApp, so I message him in Instagram DM, saying “please just tell me straight that you don’t want to talk to me anymore”. Then he answers a couple of hours later, “Yes, I am very uncomfortable”. I read the notifications of it, and not open the DM, I just went straight to the unfollow button, and remove him from my follower. I choose to stop all of my efforts to mend what I had ruin. I was devastated losing a close friend because of the mistakes I made. I was so sad that only him that I think about.

Even though I tell myself to just stop it, don’t do anything anymore, but I went and talk to my uncle (his father), and tell him what had happened and the ruin relationship with his son. I told the condense version of the story, and get straight to the point, and tell him that its all my fault, so don’t get mad at him, I said. He (my uncle) was surprise, but remain calm, I don’t know how it is possible, but he just calmly tells me that, I can never be with him, because we are still a family, and that he will talk to his son, so that the condition can at least died down, and not full of fire. I can’t believe that my uncle did not mad at me, even after what I did to his son.

After all the drama that had happened, I was avoiding him, and he was avoiding me too. So, we don’t see each other, because it’s too exhausted to pretend that the relationship has not gone. But I feel a push of wanting to sending him a letter, a handwritten letter, in which I put in an envelope, and I ask my uncle to do me a favour, to help me give the letter to him. I told my uncle that “please tell him, it’s your choice to read it or not”. I was lucky that my uncle was very kind to me, he helps me to make peace with the situations. Now I am already in the stage of completely moving on from him. But, after I heard the news that he has a girlfriend now, I was back into feeling sad, and jealousy. Mainly because he looks so happy without me in his life. For a couple of days was hard, but after that I am just relief that he is not the “one” for me. I learn to not depend my happiness onto a boy.

Now every time we accidently encounter each other, I would stop talking, and not greet him, just completely ignoring him. But if he the one who chooses to greet me, I’ll take it without saying anything back. That is what I am comfortable with. Making a large space from him.

What is it that makes me attracted to him? I ask myself. And from what I see, he is my opposite. He is smart, kind, and good with people, fun to be around, goofy but sweet. Inside the letter I wrote for him, I told him that I admire you, but I was confused with the feeling of romantically attracted by you. I like you as my brother, and nothing more. I am sad losing my brother in a stupid way. So, I hope you accept my apologies, with you reading this letter, that mean I have a chance of forgiveness, at least that is what I think. But I will never know.

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