Chapter 5

Jude

My fingers caress my clitoris. The other hand follows the same path as their fingers in my dream. It's all so exciting. So delicious. But other images invaded my mind. Images I've been trying to ignore for almost a year. Again, I stop what I'm doing.

I always do that. No matter how excited I am, I can't get to the end. Something's holding me back. Even therapy hasn't solved it. I told my therapist that I'd solved the problem so he'd let me go on a trip. I never went back to his office again.

Now I realize it was a bad idea. But I don't want to start the sessions all over again. But being sexually frustrated all the time isn't good.

Drake

"Mr. Drake, would you like your dinner now?"

I answer:

"No, Lucille. Thank you, I won't be having dinner tonight."

I walk past her, asking:

"What about my father?"

"Mr. Montgomery says he won't be home for dinner."

"He never does."

"What did you say, sir?"

"Nothing, Lucille."

"I'm going to the pool house."

"I don't want to be disturbed."

"Of course, sir."

I head towards the only place I've had complete privacy.

When I'm in, I have no memories of Susan or anything from that time.

It's much better this way.

It's been almost a year and a half.

There are days when the memory of her still disturbs me.

I realize I won't be able to sleep well tonight. I know for a fact that it wasn't my fault.

I proved it in court, and yet I still feel like shit for what happened to her.

I want to scream now, but even that doesn't bother the neighbors like it used to. They've got used to hearing me do it.

I used to go up the stairs to the window of the house next door after it was empty and sit in the chair on the balcony. I liked the cold wind.

It made me forget what I felt for a while, but I can't even do that now there's a girl living there.

A very sassy girl, by the way. All fired up.

Oh fuck, I'm going up there.

She's probably asleep. She won't even notice me. I'll stay for a while and then come without her knowing I was there.

...

After thinking about life and drinking my beer, I hear a noise coming from inside. Could it be that this crazy woman saw me here and is calling the police? Not that I mind. My dad always solves everything, even if I don't ask him to. I  don't want to go through that today.

I get out of the chair and stand in a strategic corner to look in and see what she's doing.

She's just tossing and turning in bed, seemingly asleep and having some dreams.

She's not a sexy sleeper with that hair on her face.

I go to my corner.

I realize she's just talking in her sleep.

Then she wakes up before I can do that.

I watch her look around, frightened by her dream.

She must have had a nightmare or something. But she puts her hand over her eyes and stares at nothing for a while. Soon, I think she'll go back to sleep.

I can stay here in peace.

But that's not quite what she does.

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