chapter 5

After Jin had taken Jimin to his bed, and told the other guys about it, they had decided to wrap up the party and get some sleep themselves too. All but Jungkook, who couldn’t fall asleep, were bundled up in their beds. Instead of sleeping, the youngest of them was sitting all alone on the couch in the living room. He had turned the TV on, on a low volume setting, just so he would feel less lonely. He wanted so desperately someone to talk to about this matter, but he didn’t dare to tell anyone. Instead he had to deal with all of his questions, confusion, and fear by himself. 

On the TV, he saw a couple teasing and chasing each other playfully, laughing brightly. It reminded him of all the times he and Jimin had done things like that. He could see Jimin’s riled up face cracking into a smile so clearly in his mind. His pretty monolid eyes closing up, and his plump lips revealing his cute crooked teeth, in a million-dollar-smile. Jungkook could even hear his endearing laughter in his head. 

Thinking back on it, he realized how fond those memories were to him, and how much he missed those times. He missed Jimin so much. But what was he to do now? Could they really go back to being friends? Was Jimin going to change his mind in the morning when he sobered up? And maybe the most important thing that Jungkook had to ask himself was - did he really want to be just friends now?

"Ah I don’t know, I don’t know! How can I…"   he thought and sighed heavily. 

"Okay, let’s just get this one thing straight first, do I like him… like that?”  

He pondered on this. Did he? They had known each other for so long that it seemed hard to imagine something like that. But thinking back on the moments they had shared during the party, particularly the one by the sink, he knew he couldn’t deny it. Even a fool would be able to recognize that feeling.

Following that realization, he really started reflecting on what had been happening lately. Doing so, more things piled up and started to make sense. He now understood why Jimin had been on his mind so much. He understood why he had taken their fighting so hard. And most importantly, he understood why he hadn't been relieved from the space he got when Jimin started ignoring him. Because he never truly wanted it.

"Maybe what I felt tonight is even the same as what I felt that time in the practice room… Ah man, how long has this been going on without me knowing? How far back does it really go? How can I not know myself at all? I’m such an idiot!” 

Jungkook dragged his palms over his face in frustration. He sighed again and started staring out into space. He didn’t know what to do now. He may have realized how he felt, but doing something about it was an entirely different issue. Truth be told, he was terrified. Terrified of how their relationship could change, of doing things he’s never done before, and of what would happen if someone found out. If he were to act upon his feelings, far too many frightening things would or could follow. He couldn’t do it. 

So he wiped off the tears that had rolled down his cheeks, and went to bed with a heavy heart.

***

The following morning, Jungkook got a text message from Jimin, asking him to come out and talk before everyone else got up. 

“Hey” Jimin said, and tried to smile at least a little, without much success.

“Hey” Jungkook replied, with the equal lack of energy.

“Look, I know I said some things yesterday when I was drunk.  And, it’s not that I didn’t mean them at all... Honestly, I am sorry about the way things turned out, and I do want to be friends with you again. I wish we could just turn back time to before all of this happened. But we can’t.” Jimin said and paused. He looked down in sadness for a few seconds before continuing.

“But I don’t want us to fight or be hostile with each other. Especially not considering the team. So I think it’s just best for us to see each other as colleagues, and treat each other like that. You know, just being respectfully professional? Not getting too close or personal. What...what do you think?”

“Yeah sure, sounds great. We should do that. You thought it through really well.” Jungkook said in a flat voice, with no expression on his face.

“Oh, okay, good. T-then I guess that’s all?” 

“Yeah, I’m gonna go take a shower since I’m already up.”

“Okay.”

Jimin was a bit taken aback. He hadn’t expected Jungkook to accept his idea so quickly, without protesting even once. He didn’t even question it. Did their friendship mean so little to him? Jimin felt hurt. 

What he didn’t know though, was that Jungkook was crying in the shower. He didn’t really want to shower, he just needed the sound of the running water to drown out his sobbing noises, and the locked doors to hide his crying face. He hadn’t actually expected Jimin to say that. He had hoped that maybe they could repair their friendship in some way. But when Jimin told him about his thoughts, he couldn’t disagree. He knew that Jimin was right. They couldn’t go back to those days. Not with the both of them wanting more. So he wanted to just quickly agree, so he could run off before his emotions would show.

Jungkook was in fact really torn up about this decision. He couldn’t imagine his life without Jimin. It was hard enough with how things had been like lately. How could they keep it like this? Keeping each other at arm's length and only talking about work-related matters. He didn’t want them to have such a shallow relationship. He didn’t want any of this. But in his mind, there was nothing he could do about it. He felt totally helpless. 

"Ah, why does it hurt so much?!” he thought and cried what seemed like an endless stream of pain.  

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