fourth

The first day versus the day- i don't remember when i notice a tremendous change in me. I became crazier than i ever was. But still, Lucas was my world he was my everything without him even noticing. Now i sit and wonder at times what was so different about this attraction that i lost myself in it? perhaps it was the change that came along with my feelings which happened so quickly that it left me void of sanity. With each passing day, i felt worthless just because he wasn't there with me. My feelings intertwined themselves with my core making me who i am today. Beautiful but broken. A part of me knew he didn't feel anything towards me yet i ignored it. I became erratic, sensitive and most of all an idiot. Though I tried my best to be in control of my actions i just didn't see the big red sign hovering above every bad step i took. Then came the guilt, crushing my system to feel worse than ever.

At least twice a day i was told to not do reckless things, but i couldn't care less. I skipped class, drank, smoked almost gave in to drugs all because they helped me forget how incredibly alone i was. later again the guilt came back and those moments when I'd be very embarrassed about my behavior but with very little scope for success. I had failed my parents by becoming notorious in all sense and i did nothing about it. They wanted me to study but studying was the least of all i was worried about.

Hence I failed in physics mostly because i wasn't as interested in studying as the others were and also because Lucas was an asshole. Three months pass by and with zero interest from him, i was disappointed. But i yearned for something then and that was the point where i wanted to make him feel the same thing i felt for him. i wanted him to want me. I wanted him to come out of his class with a bad excuse to see me in any way possible. i wanted him and his feelings only for me. Even now i wish he had in some way shown some interest in me and I'm an idiot for still wishing that. An arsehole he was for doing the opposite of everything i wished for.

But Arsehole is the least of all that he is.

At first\, he came out as a shy nerdy who possibly never was into dating nor anyone was interested to date him. Later i found out he had a couple of prior relationships and one of which happened with a girl in his class. Again\,  An ar*ehole he was for having a relationship. It wasn't until later\, i realize i was wrong. I was the ar*ehole to like another guy when i already had one. But Adam was long forgotten. I was far too indulged in Lucas to care for him. His texts became more sloppy and he never kept his word. Yet still took his 'iloveyous' pretty seriously though.

The girl he dated before... She was unexpectedly pretty, One look at her and i knew I barely had a chance. It burned holes in my heart to see someone better than me with him prior or present it really didn't matter and that was one of the epiphanies he brought into my life. Jealousy. It was so obvious that i laughed but there was pain.  At that point, i should've lost my entire self-esteem seeing a beautiful girl with him but i didn't and that brought me another of these epiphanies i talk about. Confidence. something i lacked. Although i was a slime whenever our eyes met. But again i was confident i saw a smile. I was bloody confident that i gave him butterflies just like he did to me. Perhaps it was this delusion that made me a wreck. A sick delusion that i mistook as confidence.

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12:35 PM, present.

"Becca? Did you see my diary?" i call as i search my bag for my diary. She answers with a curt no.

"No boss, i haven't" She adds coming inside the room as I take out all the contents from my bag. There's everything but the diary.

"Fk, can't believe i lost it." I throw my bag in rage and walk around, searching at all random places where a book could be hidden.

if somebody's got it... then I'll be dead.

"Fk!"

With my hands entangled around my hair into a painful tug, i try to remember where exactly i last saw it. But the anger in me is just not willing to settle. That's why i didn't want to write with a freaking pen and paper. now anyone could read it.

"You'll find it. it hasn't got legs in it." Becca urged her genius remark, chewing on her barbecue sandwich.

"yeah, i feel better. Thanks, Rebecca." i roll my eyes and she frowns.

"I don't like it when you take it as your personal satisfaction to be snappy at everyone because your day's going bad," she adds in a casual tone. She reminds me of my mom which is probably the most offensive thing i could tell to a person.

"and i don't like it when someone speaks of something so obvious with pride that could build mountains on their shoulders." i retort back knowing it'll be unheard i continue.

"seriously Becca. Have you seen my diary? It's really important." i ask her, the one final time. I realize as she looks at me that she's not as ignorant to my words as i thought she was. She sighs letting go of the frustration but still affected by my mood then nods slowly. Relief, instant relief takes over me as i see her nod.

"I think the other guy mentioned something about a book last night. He kept it in his locker." She took a bite of her sandwich offering a bite to me. i take one, considering I'm famished and now not very worried.

The other guy huh?

"Thanks, Becca," i speak as i chew on the sandwich. I can ignore this i guess. I'll have to talk to her about it one day and i know it won't go well.

"Well, i hope he's still got the book. it seems important." She spoke with a hint of reluctance. Trying to escape from the inevitable. I can tell just by looking at her that she knows what's about to come. I frown, not a day goes by where i don't regret my actions and today perhaps will be no different. But I'll ignore it for now. Her feelings are not important now.

"yeah, it is actually. i-uh... i wrote some personal stuff. It wouldn't do well if anyone read it." I smile an apologetic one. Both of us aren't very interested in talking, but we ignore our gaze long before she speaks.

"oh, i guess you'll be fine-"

She stood upright startling me, her face worried as luke came rushing inside the staff room. I stood up in mere instinct.

"what's wrong-" Luke ignored her and i felt a thing in my heart. I knew of her feelings and i felt bad for her but more than anything i hated her feelings.

"Victoria!" He sped in grasping my arms jerking me to his side. I gazed at Becca who stood awkward and hurt. looking back at luke, i let out a gasp. Something's wrong.

"Woah, calm down Luke. What's wrong?' i ask. it's bad seeing he called my name.

He looked worse than he did minutes ago. He had tears in his eyes that Becca might not have noticed. He had his jaw clenched in action to stop himself from crying. I knew that very well. I knew this disguise of anger quite well. If I'm lucky then maybe I'll see a wreck of him today.

"Go, I'll not cut your pay. Just go, give her one good lesson." Smiling i take his trembling hands and pat him. physical affection, i guess it does help. He needed a push to do something reckless and i was not going to stop him from that.

"thank you." He spoke as he withdrew his hands from mine and walked out of the room not sparing a glance at Becca. Strange, he thanks me when i lead him to his ruins. Perhaps, for the first time, we'll see what he truly is behind that bright smile.

"what was that about?"  Becca asked as soon as he left curious, worried.

"you'll find out soon." i smiled at her.

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