Chaper 1: One in a billion yet invisible

My name is Arinelle.

Society doesn’t see me as beautiful. I am a brown-skinned girl of short height, weighing 75 kg. When I smile, I don’t look good — that’s what they say — because I have gaps in my teeth. My eyes are not ocean blue; they are dark, dark brown, which only shine if light falls on them. Otherwise, they remain unnoticed. My hair is not long, not thick, nothing special.

I am an international student. I study, I work, I pay my bills. But the main things in life — sending money home, paying tuition fees, eating healthy food — always feel like a struggle against rent and expenses. My father is not rich; we belong to a middle-class family.

My friends? Just one girl and her big sister.

My colleagues? Yes, I keep good relations.

My housemates? They are Nepalese. In 1.5 years, I changed homes five times, and every time I tried my best to fit in… but no matter how much I gave, nobody really reciprocated.

Back in India, I didn’t have many friends either. I grew up in a strict family. I was always the child who carried heartbreak silently. Always desired… but never chosen. People used my feelings, my trust, even my body. Their harsh, toxic words still echo inside me.

And now, I am in love. With a man seventeen years older than me. Married. With a six-year-old child. He loved me back… but he is my uncle. My father would never accept this. So I must keep it a secret from everyone, even from myself.

When I was a kid, I never knew I was traumatized. I never knew that depression and anxiety were quietly shaping me. I thought if I smiled enough, nobody would see through me. It worked. My mother often complained about me smiling too much, never realizing maybe I needed therapy, maybe I wasn’t well. But those days are gone now.

My childhood stories could traumatize you too. I will tell them slowly, piece by piece. My dating life, my relationships, my struggles with my parents — all shaped me into someone I never wished to become.

I am 22 years old now. In two months, I’ll be 23. And one thing I can say for sure: I didn’t get what I wanted. I couldn’t become the person I dreamed to be. And now I am scared… scared that maybe I will fail in life as well.

Today, I woke up at 9:30 am, took a shower, dressed up, and went to work. After 3:30 pm, I started another job from 5 pm to 10 pm. Finally, I came home. In between, I ate my lunch. There was nothing wrong with today. Nothing sad.

And yet… the tears keep slipping down my cheeks as I type.

Why?

I don’t have an answer. Do you?

If you’re reading this, just know: I am one in a billion girls. Not special. Nobody knows me. I always wanted to earn respect… but instead, I am stuck in a loop, unable to escape.

Will I try to rise?

Or will I be lost forever?

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