Receiver Chapter 5

Do you think I'm pretty?

Dear journal,

I'm writing to you because I read online that this could help me understand myself better. I find it hard to open up, sometimes I act in ways that surprise even me. I guess I can only resort to journaling for that purpose.

Careful now, you've got a lot of pressure coming for you. I'm definitely not the gentle kind of girl. There are a lot of things that I can't possibly tell someone.

In good faith, I'll start you off on something light.

Let's talk about my newest pleasure.

His name is Clay Radix. He's an individual who recently revealed himself to be quite interesting. Before, I was of the same opinion as everyone else, I thought he was forgettable. I extended my branch to him because it was a universal right. Although truthfully, now in retrospect, Clay always had... a vibe. I don't really know how to explain it but I think that, for one, it is quite hominous, two, it pushes people away from him and three, it dissuades people from bullying him.

What's confusing is, even if you're deeply depressed, the fact that you're conventionally attractive should counter-balance it. I mean, I get that your mom died drunk driving, which, boring by the way, but like how does it get this bad?

This morning, I was preparing myself in front of the mirror like I usually do. After all, I need to look presentable, if I don't look pleasing then no one will appreciate me and if... Well, that'll never happen.

Our school has the advantage of not making us wear ugly uniforms, but that also means that everyday it is my responsibility to choose how I look. I'm really good at that.

"Now that I am done getting dressed, all I need to do is practice a little."

"Hello May! smile. Not warm enough. Hey Brian! Smile. Just right. Hi Clay! Bright smile." Perfect, that was perfect.

After making all the necessary preparations, I called my driver to tell him that I was ready.

In the car, all was well. I was reading my notes from the past lessons and making sure I understood everything. I had to do so, I'm class representative and I need to be able to help my classmates as much as reasonably possible. That's how I was elected every year, by being perfect.

All was well, the radio was talking about the latest artists and their songs. Their voices were nice and it didn't sound too edited. I even made a mental note of one to check out later.

Well, until it started playing all was well.

~Hate would be a better word

To say how you felt for me

Never cared for me

I've given you

My all, my best, my love

But all you said wasn't true

People said we're truly beautiful

Some even envious

But if only they knew

Hate would be a better word

To say how you felt for me

Describe how you played me~

That was Marina, my sister...

"Change the station." I said to the driver. This song made me anxious.

"Luis, change the station!" I shouldn't have yelled but he wasn't listening.

"Yes miss, but isn't it your sister's song?" He asked.

"Ah... I've just heard it too much. My parents only listen to her songs all day..." I was getting frustrated but he finally did what I told him to do. Now I have to focus. I can't have this ruin my day.

Finally, I got to school and there I began my usual ritual.

It's simple, say hi to everyone and offer help. all to maintain an adorable image.

May I add, I saw it all, from the tilt of his head when he saw me, to light that flickered in his eyes when said hi to him, the shock when I sat next to him, the speechlessness when I said I would stay, and the complete disarray he felt when I called him adorable.

This was the beginning of the highlight of my day.

To not disrupt class, I acted as usual and didn't add to my teasing, which is why I was surprised to hear him ask to go to the bathroom. Don't get me wrong, Clay has all the rights to want to go relieve himself, that's not the point. The thing is he never asks for anything, ever.

It had been 10 minutes, he was still gone and no one seemed to have noticed or cared but I was worried.

"Ms. Drought, may I go check on Clay? It's been 10 minutes. The other class rep is absent. May I go?"

To my surprise, she let me go to the males bathroom. I even got a permission slip.

When I got there, I heard sobbing and murmuring.

"Clay is that you!" I said but got no response.

I got closer to the stall and when that door finally opened... all I could say was:

"You're beautiful!"

Do you think I'm normal?

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