Minj n

Drip. 

Warm blood seeps out of the deep slashes embedded into his skin, eyes unfocused, watching as if hypnotized. He'd promised himself long ago that he'd never resort back to his self-destructive way of coping, yet he always finds a way to disappoint himself with his lack of self-restraint. Namjoon's head starts to spin, the pain was finally coming alight.  

It was as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders after years of struggling, of feeling numb. The sight of the thick liquid oozing from the open folds of his skin was almost lurid, momentarily appeasing the petrifying monster within him. The old scars were being covered with new ones, over and over again, a cycle that never seemed to end, the monster's thirst never seemed to be quenched.  

His wrists were glowing in the dim fluorescent lights of the dorm bathroom, the cheap bulb flickering irregularly. Namjoon sighs as his clothed back hit the cold porcelain toilet, rough hands come up to furiously scrub at flushed cheeks coated in dried tear tracks, blood smearing on his face as his wrists brushed his cheeks.  

He shouldn’t have subsumed back to his old ways, but he couldn’t help himself once the opportunity prevailed itself. The boys had planned a night out, to which he declined, he'd used the good ol' 'I'm not feeling well' excuse, it worked. The members didn’t so much as blink an eye at his revelation, only going as far as wishing him well before they were off. 

He shouldn’t have declined the invitation he realizes soon enough, for his head has started pounding and his erratic heart beat pulsed through his limbs like the vibrations of a heavy bass. It was most likely due to the lack of food consumption he'd allowed himself for the past few weeks. No, he wouldn’t permit himself to have more than a measly apple a day. Whatever it took to slim himself up. For the army's he'd told himself. 

But no matter what the number the scale had read, no matter how many comments he got for his 'cutting edge jaw-line' or his 'gorgeously slim legs', they weren't enough.

He was disgusting. He saw the truth for himself, why would people continue to lie to him? He needed to lose more weight, maybe get plastic surgery like other artists, would that be enough to finally fit in with the never-ending rise of beauty standards in the world?  

His heart seizes in his chest as the click of the door opening resounds throughout the small bathroom. It’s the only warning he gets before he's frantically scrambling to hide the evidence of his wrong-doings, hands shaky and spreading blood, his efforts were in vain. He couldn’t clean up in time. His eyes squeeze shut as fear and anxiety rack his entire being. A horrified gasp came from the intruder, making Namjoon hesitate to pick up the discarded razor he'd been reaching for, yet it seemed to be just out of reach.  

He truly feels like a naughty child being caught with their hand in a cookie jar. He retracts his hand and spots of light flicker across the darkness behind his eyes with the strength he was using to keep them shut tightly, like he was trying to teleport somewhere else. 

Namjoon lets out a shaky breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His eyes were tearing again and his breathing was becoming stressed, leaving him gasping for the air his lungs so desperately wanted. His panic was cut short though, when a small hand started to pet his head. The cheap lights seem to be much brighter than they actually were, making him squint as he tries his best to identify the silhouette in front of him. 

His hand jerks down to instinctively pinch his thigh as a punishment. He really couldn’t get things right. He wasn’t supposed to let anyone see him like this. He's failed himself yet again.  

"Hey, hey! Don’t do that hyung, it's okay." 

Jimin. Jimin of all people had to find him like this. His sweet, precious dongsaeng wasn’t meant to see him like this, in his weakest state. So, he couldn’t stop himself when he broke down, violent sobs raking his entire being. 

"Let it all out hyung, I'm here for you, it's going to be okay." Jimin cooed, fingers carding through Namjoons tangled locks as a sort of comfort.  

The permission seemed to do the trick because Namjoon sobbed and sobbed until he truly had nothing left, if he'd thought his eyes were dry last time he was mistaken, because this time his eyes felt like a dessert plane. His eyes hurt and his chest too. Everything hurt. Why wouldn’t it stop hurting? 

"Hyung...what's wrong?" Jimin asks, he sounded curious and sincerely concerned.  

Namjoon just sniffed in response. It's almost like couldn’t put his sorrows into words. He's never felt this way before, so confused and put-off with the words he wanted to speak. 

Jimin seemed to understand, nodding as if he knew of the inner turmoil Namjoon was having with himself. The younger continued rubbing Namjoon's head, and every once in a while, he'd wipe away the elder's tears. 

Namjoon feels pathetic. He probably looks pathetic too. He brings a shaky hand up to wipe the snot from beneath his nose before breathing deeply. It was now or never, and no matter how much he wanted it to be never, he had to tell someone before this dark road turns darker. 

"I'm not good enough," He starts, holding his hand up when Jimin tries to interject. "I'm too fat, worthless, nothing but a waste of space." Another deep breath. 

"All my life I've had this looming cloud over my head, it never seems to end. Whenever I feel happy there was always a person who had to come and ruin it. I see all of those comments Jiminie, the bad and the good, but the bad always stick. It should affect me like it does, I know that, but I can't help but want to be better for our fans. It’s the least I could do in return for everything they've done for us." 

Jimin's hand stills for a second, probably wanting to object to his claims but Namjoon doesn’t allow it, he stays persistent.  

"I'm not good enough for beauty norms, I can't handle the stress that a leader should be able too. I' m too fat, too skinny, too tall, too smart, I can't do anything right. Whatever I touch, I break Jiminie, I'm god of destruction. You guys are right. I should stay away for world peace. Maybe people would be better off without me." 

Namjoon was out of breath from his rant when he looked up, he was expecting to see pity in Jimin's beautiful orbs but was pleasantly surprised to find that they only held empathy and determination.  

"Okay hyung, first of all you aren't too fat, too smart or too tall. I admire you for your height and beauty hyung. You have perfect body proportions. Perfect is just an opinion, different people have different preferences of perfect but hyung, you're perfect to me. You do break things, but that isn't within your control, you're just naturally clumsy. And hyung, world peace doesn’t exist. You taught me that yourself, everyone has different viewpoints and opinions that might end up clashing. You're an amazing leader, we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. People wouldn’t better without you, hyung I need you, the boys need you, army need you. I love you, what would I do without you? You can't leave me hyung, you can't." 

Tears were streaming down Jimins face and he looked deeply troubled. Like he was telling the truth. And for once, Namjoon believed him.  

"Okay," Namjoon says earnestly, "I won't leave you." 

Jimin sighs in relief, "Okay, let's get you cleaned up." 

"And Jimin?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I love you, too." 

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