part 2

(HE WHISTLES A WALTZ)

- What do you think you're doing?

- Mr Stringer.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

I've got a proposition, Rip. There might

be an opening in our outfit for you

if you'll accept a reasonable salary

and 10% of the profits.

- You can bring Ike and Mr... er...

- Twiddle.

- Twiddle.

- Thanks, Charlie. I'll think about it.

Think about it?

Rip, you're in no position to be fussy.

You and your mathematical miracles.

Look at the job you did for Mac.

No wonder he cancelled.

We released our figures today.

Look at it. You weren't even close.

You can't do polls without national

coverage and that takes a lot of money.

There are no short cuts.

Why are you grinning?

Charlie, I love you.

With all my heart, I love you!

But the answer's no.

Yup, it's no. See you around.

Give me that.

- Get off that desk!

- What?

Lock that door.

If I can just find this letter.

Here it is. This might be it, Ike.

My short cut. Look at Hoopendecker's

letter and Stringer's figures.

Stringer canvassed thousands of people,

Hoopendecker only a handful in one town.

Look at the results. 69.1... 69.1.

They're identical!

This might be it. One small town

that thinks exactly the way the nation does.

- You're talking about Utopia.

- Maybe. We'll find out now.

Get me the almanac... No, I'll get it.

Call up the Census Bureau

and get Hoopendecker.

No, no. I can get the national figures

from the almanac, I want Grandview.

How about the sex ratio?

Males to females?

- Prohibition?

- About 1,400. I got it.

OK. Democrats? Republicans?

I knew it! I knew

there was a town like this.

Even the population breaks down

like the country.

The same percentage of males, females,

Democrats, Republicans, everything!

Hello? Yeah, I'm still here.

We'll have to poll the same people

over and over.

It'll be good for years, but sooner or later

they'll get self-conscious.

They can't know what we're doing there.

We need a cover.

We're three insurance salesmen

from Hartford.

Insurance? Oh, my. Talking to a man

about when he's going to die.

Hello? That's what I said, Mac.

I can deliver too.

Stringer's been doing a poll for you

on progressive education for months.

Suppose I start now

and finish ahead of him?

It IS possible!

I'll come within one per cent.

I'm not going to tell you how.

No other outfit is gonna find out.

I can make a million bucks on this.

What? Yeah.

Let me understand this. If this thing goes

over, you'll renew my contract, right?

That's all I want to know. OK, Mac. Thanks.

Grandview, you good old mathematical

miracle, here we come!

Hi, Grandview.

The moment Columbus sighted land

must have been like this.

- Would you mind moving?

- Excuse me.

Bus for Moody's Mansion House

leaving right away!

- Moody's Mansion House?

- The hotel.

That's a perfect name for the hotel.

Maybe it is and maybe it ain't.

You wanna go there?

Yeah. See that fellow over there with the

bags, looks like he popped out of Dickens?

- Can you tell him to check in for us?

- Yes, sir.

Moody's Mansion House. Wonderful.

Moody's Mansion House.

How do you do?

It's wonderful to be around a town

that you know like an old family album.

Look at that fellow. I know all about him.

He's married. He has 1.7 children.

Out of his income, 11.2 is rent, 23.5 food,

17.2 for clothing...

Poor guy is a series of fractions. He

ought to stop acting like a human being.

Hello...

- Glad to see you again.

- Glad to see you!

- How have you been?

- Fine. And you?

- Can't complain. You're looking well.

- Thanks. You seem fit yourself.

Not bad for an old man.

- How have you been?

- Can't complain. And you?

Fine, fine.

- Glad to have seen you again.

- Glad to have seen you.

Who was that?

- Who's that?

- I don't know.

- Sure you don't know him?

- No, I don't.

- If he knows who you are, we're sunk.

- He was just being friendly.

- Where's Professor Hoopendecker?

- I don't know. He ain't down here.

- Wise guy!

- Thanks.

- Wow!

- Did you see that?

- All the way from there.

- That was really something.

Company, atten-shun! Hit the dirt!

Rip! Rip Smith!

Good old Sergeant Hoopendecker.

Hi, dirty face.

Mon capitaine, je vous aime!

Ratted.

It took me years to build up dignity.

Rip Smith? So that's who he is.

Sorry I couldn't meet you.

We're having exams.

The survey I did was good, huh?

- Right on the nose for the nation.

- You don't say?

- What about this insurance thing?

- We can sell insurance if we have to.

- Is that him, Mr Hoopendecker?

- Sure. That's he.

- Jeepers. Rip Smith.

- Mr Hoopendecker said you were coming.

We read about you

in the basketball guide.

I'm coaching them. Here's my assistant.

The mascot of the team.

- Hi.

- Hi, Rip.

What's going on down there?

It's a nickel a look.

- (BELL RINGS)

- That's the bell. Move along, boys.

- Bye, Rip.

- Bye.

- Have you seen anyone yet?

- No. I'm seeing the mayor now.

Meet me after school.

I'll introduce you to folks.

OK. So long, dirty face.

How do you do?

- The very idea!

- Imagine doing such a thing!

- Wait here, please.

- Thank you.

Where'd you go to?

Dropped in on my pal Hoopendecker.

Why, what goes on here?

His Honour the Mayor's in conference.

Ah. What a town. We put the decimal

points in the right place and we're home.

Yes. Let's pray these good people

stay average and don't change.

They haven't changed in 50 years.

Forget it.

These changes will make this town.

The park and playground will be here.

The hospital and the nursery here.

The library here and the high school here.

As mayor I'm neutral - a servant of

the people - but this plan's preposterous.

- Isn't it preposterous, Richard?

- I'm tired of it.

She's been coming before the council

for years.

It's like a filibuster.

There ought to be a law against...

Now, Lou, the girl has a right

to speak her piece.

All right.

Thanks, Mr Nickleby. And I'll exercise

that right at every council meeting

until you realise Grandview

needs a new civic centre.

- It's all right, Mr Mayor. You're excused.

- Excuse me.

What is it? You said it was important.

My name's Lawrence Smith.

This is Mr Sloan.

- We thought you could help us out...

- Just a moment.

Notes for visitors' diary.

At 9.46, a gentleman by the name

of Lawrence Smith came in.

"Visitors are welcome," I said.

"What can I do for you?"

What can I do for you?

Speak up, young man, speak up.

We want to open an insurance office.

We thought you could recommend

a real estate agent.

Mr Smith requested that I recommend

a real estate agent.

"You place me in a difficult position,"

I said. "A mayor cannot show partiality."

Just a minute. I'll get Lou Dickens

out here. Best real estate man in town.

Rest of them aren't worth a hoot.

What about the upkeep?

That means more watchacallit... taxes.

Excuse me.

Why not approve the plan

and let the voters decide?

Mr Nickleby's being very unselfish about this.

As the leading contractor, he'd benefit.

- We can't afford anything so ambitious.

- Improvements will attract new people,

new wealth, so we could afford it.

Glad to be of watchacallit... service.

Like a fella says... thank you.

Change this, change that.

How big a town do you want?

Of course I want changes. It's about time

we made it a decent place to live in.

Changes.

There goes your mathematical miracle.

- This is a very fine community!

- It's a beautiful community!

I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to butt in.

That's all right. Come in.

What do you think of Grandview?

Think of it?! I've been searching

for a town like this for years.

You like it? Speak up, young man.

When I got off that train,

I said to myself, "This is it."

I've just walked through your town

with its shade trees and lovely parks.

I stood before your impressive buildings

and thought, "Here's a challenge

to the evils of the modern era."

I watched your people on the street

and felt their vitality and sense of security.

- All in less than one hour.

- Hmm?

Your children are happy. Happy.

You can see it in their dear faces

and hear it in their wholesome talk.

Oh, there's beauty here.

It's almost indescribable.

You're used to it. You take it for granted.

To me, it's a hope and a dream

of a lifetime.

I too want to become a part of it.

Please don't change it.

I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.

He's right. Absolutely right.

That makes me proud.

- That's the kind of man this town needs.

- I move to forget this nonsense.

- All those in favour?

- Aye!

- Meeting adjourned.

- A stranger made us see sense.

Let's hear no more about this civic centre.

You fascinate me.

We nearly fell for that scheme of Mary's.

Ed Schwarz, I want you to meet

Laurence Smith.

- How do you do?

- Mel Hanley.

How do you do?

Hey, fellas. I want you to meet my friend

Laurence Smith. Insurance.

- Welcome to Grandview.

- Any friend of Hoopendecker's welcome.

Thank you.

Everything takes place here -

political rallies, concerts, dances.

Hey, there it is.

Great American institution -

the pot-bellied stove.

That one's been there for over 100 years.

Folks wouldn't throw it away.

Sit round it and find out

what Grandview's thinking.

- And what the country's thinking.

- Yeah.

If you want to find our Senator...

Yup. I'm right. Senator Wilton,

meet my friend Laurence Smith.

- Glad to see you.

- Glad to see you.

Oh, yes!

This is Senator Wilton.

United States Senator Wilton.

No wonder your face was familiar!

The Senator was brought up in Grandview.

Comes back to visit.

Pressure in Washington gets strong,

easy to lose your perspective.

- Issues become very simple in this room.

- I imagine so.

There's something in the paper about you.

Here, Senator.

They don't seem to like you.

- Here, under Town Tidbits.

- Here?

"The incident at the council meeting

indicates a complete lack of grace."

"On his first day here, Mr Smith managed

to poke his unwelcome proboscis

"into local affairs." That's pretty cute.

"If you're here to sell insurance, Mr Smith,

"you'd do well to start building goodwill

and confidence."

Where's the slaughterhouse

that does this?

- Down the street. I'll go with you.

- I'll handle it. Excuse me.

- Take it easy. They're a tough crew.

- I can be tough myself.

I want to see the editor

of this imitation newspaper!

Please say that again.

- I want to know...

- No. The same words in the same way.

You can bang the counter if you wish.

Please?

I want to see the editor

of this imitation newspaper!

Thank you.

What's this all about?

Your voice. It's the spitting image of his.

- Never heard the likes of it.

- Never did.

- Spitting image of who?

- He said the same thing.

- And bang on the counter too.

- Every morning.

- That was his little joke.

- Whose joke?

- Who's he?

- Lou Peterman.

- Her husband.

- The editor.

That's the fella I want. Where's he?

Lou got a little tired about ten years ago,

almost 11.

- Just about.

- The year I got my new uppers.

Went out on the porch to take a nap...

- He was more tired than he thought.

- It was a wonderful funeral.

- Everybody in town came.

- And from out of town.

- Lem Simpson was a pallbearer.

- Stayed sober all day.

Just out of respect.

Your voice is the spitting image.

Well, young man, what is it?

You came in to make a complaint.

This story about me. Have you seen it?

- Yes.

- What's the idea?

- Are the facts incorrect?

- No.

- Is your name spelt wrong?

- No.

- Then what's your complaint?

- It's snide.

Taking advantage of an innocent stranger.

What kind of hospitality is that?

Those nasty little digs.

No decent newspaper...

If you want to attack our policy,

write us a letter and we'll print it.

In the meantime, you can complain

to the acting editor who wrote the story.

OK. I'll talk to the acting acting editor.

I've got it! A three-position signal.

Ouch and McOuch.

Jiggle it. Try jiggling it.

Sometimes they start

when you jiggle them.

(TRAIN WHISTLES)

See next chapter 😊

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