The Thing's I Saved For Later
10 Things I Saved for Later
Time skip - A week or so later...
It's afternoon and Sam is in her favourite thinking place. She's walking along the beach trying to catch the evening sun set over the ocean. As she walks, she is slowly processing some of her thoughts about the consequences of her diagnosis.
Sam
*It's amazing how quickly my thoughts can change when I know my body is killing itself and I can't do anything about it. One second I'll feel guilty, shamed, and betrayed because my healthy body is my own murderer. The next, I'll be angry at the "fairness" of life. Knowing now, from experience, that life hasn't made any promises that life will be fair. When the hopelessness of the situation takes over there aren't a lot of great emotions that can rise from such hefty depths of despair. Just when I think I'll be destroyed by my own depressive spirit I will be reminded that my time now is substantially shorter than before. This makes my time here precious and I need to remind myself to not waste a moment. From this perspective, I can make even the saddest and most mundane moments seem particularly bright and beautiful.*
Sam
*One thing that keeps repeating in my mind is the things I've always 'saved for later'. Everyone has their dreams or things they expect they will do in life.*
Sam
*10 things I have saved for later.
1. Travel, travel, travel (all the way around all of the world)
2. Go on an adventure worthy of being told in book.
3. Go on a food safari in another country.
4. Fly in a hot air balloon
5. Find someone who I can love.
6. Get Married.
7. Have children.
8. Dance barefoot in the rain
9. Spend quality time with your special people.
10. Learn a new skill that you have never ever wanted to learn (e.g. video games or music. It doesn't matter what it is - it just has to completely take me out of my comfort zone so I can experience something new.)*
Sam
*When I write my bucket list from my heightened awareness that I am actually dying there are a few things that I notice.*
Sam
*Some of the things (like spending quality time with special people) are things that I can achieve every day and because I know how precious my time has become I can see the beauty in just being able to say hello to a friend.*
Sam
*Some things (like loving someone, marriage and children) are dependent on things completely out of my control, so I shouldn't get too hung up on achieving them.*
Sam
*Some things (like travel around the world) are too expensive for me to be realistically achieved.*
Sam
*After analyzing it for a bit - there is an awareness that many of the listed things can no longer be achieved. Now, I am not only grieving from my own shortened life span, but, also, faced with the realization that I will never achieve many of the dreams I thought I would accomplish during the journey that is my life.*
Sam
*I have read the quote recently that "Accepting my reality brings peace to my soul." I can't recall who said this, but there is a truth within its meaning. The process of acceptance may take weeks of tears; a billion times of asking the air "why me?"; fighting with the boxing bag every time I think of the elderly neighbor complaining about being old knowing that I'll never actually get to grow old. Now that the reality is slowly getting accepted, I can see how much time I have, and I can choose to do the things that still fulfill me.*
Sam
*So, now, what is the updated list of what I can achieve:
10 things I have saved for later.
1. Travel, travel, travel (all the way around all of the world). All around the world is too expensive. I can travel to closer places and take advantage of discounted travel opportunities. So I'll keep it there in a modified form.
2. Go on an adventure worthy of a book. I wanted an adventure worthy of writing a story. If I slightly alter my thinking - I can turn a visit to the zoo into an adventure. So, I think I will be able to achieve it - it will be 'just slightly' less grand...
3. Go on a food safari. I had originally wanted to do this in a different country. That is too expensive to achieve, so I have modified it to a food tour of a neighboring town. Then I can check out options and costs and if I plan well it can probably be achieved.
4. Fly in a hot air balloon. Need to look up costs, but it is probably achievable if I plan and save for it.
5. Find someone who I can love. Involves finding another person and how would it possibly be fair to selfishly love someone knowing I will die. It's definitely no longer on the list.
6. Get Married. See 5
7. Have children. See 5
8. Dance barefoot in the rain. Yay! An easily achievable thing. (I have never been so excited to wait for rain.)
9. Spend quality time with your special people. Hello Family and Friends - here I come. (I'm going to visit you so many times you'll be wanting to see the death of me.)
10. Learn a new skill that you have never ever wanted to learn (e.g. video games or music. It doesn't matter what it is - it just has to completely take me out of my comfort zone, so I can experience something new.) This is surprisingly an easier thing to achieve. I just need to choose an activity I have never wanted to take part in and try to learn it. I can do this.*
Sam
*So, the things that I can achieve right now are spending time with family and friends and learning something I have always hated. I have watched many recent movies and drama's that focus on gaming and e-sports and how they can bring people together because they get excited to play in the same game. This is something I have never actually tried to do myself because I love reading, so I have always spent my spare time reading. I can also very patiently wait for rain, so I can dance barefoot like a crazy country bumpkin or creepy witch.*
Sam
*When I get home tonight I am going to call my friends and see if any of them can teach me a new popular video game or if they are interested in learning how to play one with me. Also, I can check the latest weather report to get a heads-up on any upcoming possible rain opportunities.*
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