Episode 2: A Heartful Experience

When we arrived at the store Jez ran over and gave us both a hug—her long, almost butt-length, black hair swished back and forth as she moved. “Viiiillv! I can’t wait for you to try on the dresses I held for you. They’re from the new shipment, so you haven’t seen them yet!” She rubbed her hands together gleefully; her large dark brown eyes sparkled with excitement as she went into the back room and retrieved the dresses. When she returned she hung the dresses in the fitting room and gestured for me to enter.

“Just leave the rejects on the hook. I’ll find a place to put them later,” she said.

After she pulled the curtain closed, I looked through the dresses she’d selected for me. They were very much my style. I put on a short-sleeved white sailor-inspired dress that landed just above my knees. Gathering the skirt in my hands, I couldn’t help but giggle. Kai would love the way I looked in this dress—he was secretly an otaku and a big fan of the Japanese school girl look. I loved this dress but as I reached up and touched the dark blue bow at the neckline I knew it wouldn’t work. I’d need something simpler, something that didn’t put out Lolita vibes for graduation.

I tried on two more dresses before I decided on a short black dress with a sweetheart neckline under a layer of lace that went up into a mandarin collar. I loved this dress almost as much as the first—especially because it hugged my petite frame—but when I glanced at the price tag I knew I could only afford one of them.

“Which dress did you decide on?” Jez asked as she smiled at me, curiosity alight in her eyes.

I held up the black dress for her and Kai to see. “This one,” I smiled as I handed her back the other dresses.

“Are you purchasing the sailor dress too?”

“Oh,” I said unaware that I had held both of them up, one in front of the other. “No, I don’t think so. I can only afford to buy one dress, for now, maybe another time?” I smiled sheepishly.

“Okay,” Jez said, completely unaffected, as she collected both dresses from me and prepared to ring me up for the black dress.

I fumbled with my debit card as I tried to pull it out of my wristlet for what felt like an eternity before finally handing it to Jez so that we could complete the transaction. I hated how my cards stuck together, which sometimes left me looking completely incompetent in front of whoever the cashier was. Thankfully, in this instance, it was just Jez, and I knew she wasn’t the type judge someone over something so little.

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“That went faster than I thought it would. Did you want to have lunch at the mall since we’re already here? My treat,” Kai offered.

“We could go to that new Japanese place—Ichiban—I think it’s called. They opened up last month and I haven’t had the chance to eat there yet. I heard their Japanese curry is the best,” I said, batting my eyelashes comically. I hoped that mentioning Japanese curry would seal the deal because it was one of his favorite foods, and more importantly, it was one of mine, too.

“Okay,” he agreed as we waved goodbye to Jez and left Heartful.

“Oh shoot,” he said as he suddenly patted at his pockets, “I think I dropped my keys back there. Would you mind going on ahead and getting us a seat while I go back and take a look?”

I shook my head to signify that, no, I wouldn’t mind. “It’d be no problem at all.”

Although I wasn’t excited about going to the restaurant alone, I didn’t think it was something worth complaining about so I’d just agreed. After being a recluse for so long it was nice to be out of the house, hanging out with my best friend. I had overheard Kai on the phone with his mom a little while after my mom passed away, and it was pretty apparent that she was worried about me becoming a recluse. I’d heard the word hikikomori thrown around a few times. I realized then that there was a reason people shouldn’t eavesdrop.

The waitress set two cups of hot green tea on the table, as I waited for Kai to arrive. I rested my head on my hands allowing my long black hair to cascade and create a curtain, partially obscuring my view of what was going on outside the restaurant window. As I looked over the menu something in my peripheral vision caught my eye. It looked like… I blinked, and nothing was there.

I lifted my head and stared out the window as I tucked my hair behind my ear. I must have imagined it. He only existed in my dreams, after all. Perhaps I’d been thinking of him, of Mr. Dream, and had been carried away by a daydream. Lost in thought as I stared out the window, I didn’t notice Kai was now sitting across from me, a smile playing on his lips.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

“Some things are better left a mystery,” I said with a sly wink.

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Soon we were on our way home in Kai’s white Corvette Stingray.

“Do you have shoes to match your dress?” Kai asked casually while never taking his eyes off the road.

“I was planning on wearing my nude heels. That way no matter which dress I bought, they would match. Why?”

“Since I don’t work tomorrow or Monday either, I was going to offer to take you shopping again,” he said as we pulled into our garage.

“I work the closing shift tomorrow and Monday, and I don’t need new shoes, but if you don’t have plans tomorrow we could find something to do during the day.”

I held the door that led inside of the house open for him.

“Thanks for coming out with me today,” I said.

“No problem,” he replied as he walked ahead of me. “I had a lot of fun.” He turned back to look at me and winked playfully before ascending the stairs. I hadn’t seen him this happy since—no, I wouldn’t think about it.

It sounded like he was halfway up the stairs when he said, “I’m going to be in my room.

I have to finish working on a client’s website tonight. I promised them it would be live by tomorrow morning.”

Despite living together, spending time with Kai was always a rarity, even before I spiraled into my depression. However, when we did hang out it was always enjoyable. In addition to going to college full-time, he also worked full-time hours at his Dad’s design firm, both remotely and in office. His Dad’s firm was called Bell Tree Designs, which was funny because their surname was Suzuki, and in kanji that read as bell tree in English. There were times he did freelance work on the side as well, but I didn’t know whether those clients were the firm’s or his own.

By the time I reached the top of the stairs his bedroom door was closed, as I had expected it to be. Whenever Kai was working on a big project, he’d close his door. Although I was never sure whether it was so he wouldn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother him, or perhaps a little of both.

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When I pulled the second dress out of the bag, I knew it was Kai’s doing. I shook my head, grateful and not at all surprised. That guy. Tsk. He was always doing little things to surprise me. Somehow, I'd have to find a way to return the gesture. Like not abandoning him again, my conscience scolded me.

I hung the dresses in my closet and took a minute to appreciate them. Then, not wanting to disturb Kai, I scrawled a quick thank you note and taped it to his door. He would find it when he was done with whatever he was working on and read it at his leisure.

Not knowing what else to do, I resigned myself to start working on my homework. I grabbed my school bag—a designer bag that Kai had bought me for my birthday earlier this year. It was a St. Scott London convertible bag that could be used as a purse or a backpack, which was how I had been using it since I received it. I wasn’t sure if calling such an expensive purchase practical was nonsensical, but I loved it and used it primarily for school. I pulled out my notebook, set it in front of my laptop, and settled into my studies.

About three hours later I was done with my homework and Kai still hadn’t come out of his room, although it was nearly dinner time. I heard the furious clicking of his laptop keys and decided to go ahead and cook dinner. If he didn’t come out of his room by then, I would take a plate up to him.

I decided to make oven chicken after looking in the refrigerator and pantry to see what ingredients we had available. It was something fast and simple that Kai’s mom had taught me to make. I smiled at the memory of Mama, as Kai’s mom liked for me to call her, taking the time to teach me her recipes over the years. She had become extremely zealous about passing her recipes on after I moved in with Kai. In retrospect, she was probably trying to keep both of us busy so that neither of us would get lost in the grief that we never displayed. Her efforts were not for nothing because even though I still withdrew into myself, I now held a plethora of Suzuki family recipes in my head.

As I checked on the progress of the chicken, Kai sauntered into the kitchen.

“I saw the note you left me. I’m surprised you didn’t catch Jez and me throwing glances at each other, trying to communicate silently so you wouldn’t know what we were doing. You are so oblivious,” he laughed.

“I really didn’t know! But I do know Jez well enough to know that she doesn’t do anything by accident.”

“Well, in any case, you’re welcome. Is this your way of thanking me?” He asked as he sniffed the air delicately, “You know I love Mama’s cooking.”

Mama Suzuki had moved back to Japan shortly after my birthday to help her brother and his wife with their newborn twins. She’d always been very nurturing, so from what I gathered no one in their family was surprised when she made the offer. I suspected that she also wanted to get away for a while, to keep busy and away from thoughts of how her best friend had passed away.

Though Kai’s Dad, Takuya, wasn’t entirely enthusiastic about the idea, he agreed to it with the stipulation that she came home before the holidays. He would never hold Mama back from something she really wanted to do, even if it affected him.

Everyone seemed to wilt a little with Mama away. I suspected it must have been extremely tough on Kai, and as I had thought he would be, Kai seemed to be genuinely pleased with the prospect of eating his mom’s cooking, even though it was actually prepared by me.

“It sure is! I’m making oven chicken,” I said. Although it was a simple recipe, she didn’t make it often, only relying on it when she was short on time. It was tasty, and growing up it had been one of Kai’s favorite meals. I had been very glad to see the bag of chicken wings and drumettes in the freezer.

“It’s been awhile,” he smiled.

“It really has,” I replied as I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a jar of takuan. “We have some left over tsukemono from the last time we went grocery shopping, so it’ll really be like your Mama’s here cooking for you.”

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“Hey, Kai...,” I said, suddenly and somewhat randomly.

“Yeah?” He asked, acknowledging me before he shoveled a bite of rice and takuan into his mouth.

“I was wondering, I don’t keep tabs on your love life or anything but in the time I’ve lived with you, you haven’t been on a date.”

I looked down at my plate, too nervous to make eye contact with him for fear that he’d be able to read my face and know that I’d seen the search results on his tablet. When I glanced up tentatively I saw that he was holding his index finger up to indicate that I’d get my answer after he was done chewing.

“I’m too busy to date,” he said simply.

I bit my lip as I tried to think of a way to coerce a name out of him without revealing my earlier gaffe.

“Kai, you’re smart and handsome. As I recall when you were in high school, there were quite a few girls that liked you.”

I looked up, staring directly at him, as I took a moment to assess his good looks. Just two years ago, when we had been in school together, his thick jet black hair had been a little longer and he’d frequently worn circle lens contacts that Mama would buy for him whenever she went to Japan. Nowadays he almost never wore contacts, instead opting for glasses with a smart black frame, and often styled his messy black hair in a way that reminded me a bit of K-pop star, Lay, from the group EXO.

Maybe that’s what his goal was, I thought. After all, we used to spend a lot of time listening to J-pop, K-pop, and Mando-pop back when things were different before my grief had settled deep into my bones. My mom always thought it was a little weird that Kai and I listened to K-pop and Mando-pop even though we didn’t understand it, but she always supported it nonetheless. The thought made me smile.

“None of them,” he paused, probably thrown off by my sudden smile, “I mean, no one—from school or work—has ever interested me in that way.”

“Oh,” was all I said in reply.

“What made you think about this so suddenly?” His eyes narrowed into suspicious lines.

“Nothing, really, I just thought that you could use some fun in your life, Mr. Workaholic.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Vilv, between work and college, worrying about you is all the fun I can handle right now.”

Heart pain.

I put my hands in the air to signify defeat. “Okay, I get it. You’re really, really busy. But if you do like someone, I’d be happy to aid in the process of getting you two together,” I said with a wink.

“Thanks, I suppose,” he said with an exasperated sigh before returning to his meal.

“You’re welcome, bestie,” I winked again, even though it was superfluous because I thought it would make him smile. I was right.

“Vilv,” he said, a smile still spread across his face, “I just want you to know I had fun with you today.”

Kai’s smile made me happy, but it broke my heart that I had been the one to rob him of it for so many months.

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