chapter 4

Three weeks after being asked to do the benefit, Helen woke up to the blare of her alarm clock. Moaning she rolled over and looked at the time. 5am is way too early to get up. Still groggy with sleep, Helen was trying to figure out why she had set it for that time.

Reality struck like lightning and she bolted upright in her bed. Today was the first day of dance rehearsal with Mrs. Day's son Logan. Moaning she forced herself out of bed and headed for the shower.

Helen got out of the shower and dressed. Her hands were shaking. She was so nervous about today. If she had met Logan before today, she may not be so shaken up about the entire thing, but today was not just the first day of learning to dance it was also the first day she would be meeting her instructor. He was a stranger, and Helen was always uncomfortable around people she did not know. The fact that he was actually a known dancer that had made many appearances on TV did nothing to ease her fear. Seeing someone on TV was very different then knowing them. To be honest she was probably one of the few in her town that had not seen him on TV.

Hands still shaking she sat down on the side of her bed. "Please, Jesus, help me to calm down." a whispered plea was all she could get out.

Helen took a deep breath and headed out of her room. She could smell food and knew her mom was cooking. What she did not know was if she could eat right now. She was coming down the stairs when she saw her mother on her knees. She paused knowing she should not listen, but not being able to resist.

"Father God, I ask You, in Jesus's name, to please keep my Helen in Your great hands today. I know she is so nervous about this. I am not sure when our outgoing little girl started to get anxiety attacks or why. I just know this is going to be hard for her. I also know that she is in Your perfect will by doing this. Bless her Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen." Ester got up off her knees and turned. She had known Helen was there. She had heard her.

Helen came down the rest of the stairs and went to her mother. "Thank you" was all she could say before she hugged her.

Logan paced back and forth at the studio his agent, Toby, had rented for him and Helen. He was looking at a couple of the ballroom dances to choose from and wanted to make sure he picked just the right one. He could do them all, but he wanted to make sure that Helen could. The crew was setting up the cameras and lights. One of the cameras was already filming him as he began picking the dance.

He was looking and thinking of maybe doing a Waltz when he heard the door open. A quiet settled in the room and he knew, without looking, Helen was there. He turned to greet her and his breath caught, just a little, in his throat. She was stunning. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and it did not appear that she was wearing an ounce of makeup. TV had not done her justice. He almost laughed out loud at the irony of it. Not only was he mad at her for no reason, now he was drawn to her.

Clearing his throat, he extended his hand, "Hello Helen. I'm Logan."

Not quite making eye contact with him Helen extended her shaking hand, "Nice to meet you

Logan."

She had said it so softly. Logan had to bend close to her to hear her. When he did she flinched away very slightly. If he were not so aware of her, he may not have even noticed, but he did. He looked into her eyes and was surprised to see a flash of fear. Good grief she had jumped into a freezing river, but seemed afraid of him, even if it was only for a second.

Helen could feel his gaze on her. It reminded her of his mom's gaze. It was direct. She cleared her throat and tried to speak. A little squeak came out before she could speak. Still not able to meet his eyes she found her voice. "I'm afraid I have no dance experience at all." Unaware that the cameras were filming everything she said she continued. "I am a bit nervous about this."

All anger that Logan had toward this woman before him vanished at her pained confession. He could tell she was not comfortable at all doing this. A part of him wondered why she said yes to the benefit. He did not realize he asked the question aloud until she softly answered.

"I prayed about it and felt like I should. Lidia's family really does need the help." Helen flinched a little bit as she saw a flash of anger cross Logan's eyes. It was there only a moment, but she saw it. She was not quite sure what she said to cause it, but she suddenly felt very vulnerable. She glanced away and that is when she realized they were being filmed. Helen quickly looked back at Logan, her face paling just a bit.

Logan felt his anger rise again just a bit when she mentioned God, but he quickly pushed it down. He had asked a question and she had answered it. He watched her look away. Logan was not sure what to make of her reaction to the cameras. He thought she knew the entire time they were being filmed, but her reaction said different. "You did not see them?" He questioned nodding toward the closest camera man.

Helen shook her head, "No. I mean, I knew that we were going to be filmed I just…." Helen started to speak and then wavered as she looked back down at the floor.

"Shall we get started Helen? I have not picked out a dance yet, maybe I can describe them and we can decide together." Logan was not sure why he felt he needed to rescue her, but he did.

The next hour was spent with Logan explaining one ballroom dance after another. He was doing his best to say exactly what each dance would entail right down to how they would touch. He felt a Waltz would be classy and refined. He also felt it would be respectful to her relationship with Christ. The more he talked the more he noticed how pale she was. She looked like she wanted to run. The more he talked the more questions he had about this woman.

As Logan explained one dance after another, Helen started to get that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. Every one of the dances seemed like it would involve a lot of contact. She was trying hard not to let her panic show. She wanted to run out of the studio and never come back.

Just when she thought she was going to break down and do just that, something Logan was saying caught her attention.

"I was thinking a Waltz would be a great fit for us. It would be very respectful of your beliefs. I think it is one that would be easier for you to learn. What do you think?" Logan watched her face as he put his idea out there. He wondered if she realized how telling her face was. It was like her every emotion could be read like a book.

Helen cleared her throat twice before she could agree.

"OK then. Let's get started." Logan stood up and extended his hand to Helen.

Instead of taking his hand, Helen looked up and quietly asked if there was a place she could have a moment to collect her thoughts.

Helen followed the directions down the hall toward the bathroom. She was shaking so badly by the time she reached it she was sure the cameras were going to catch her falling flat on her face. As she closed the door behind her, hot, wet tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Her heart ached and her mind reeled with the reality of what God was asking. He was asking her to deal with that fateful day so many years ago. Her mother called it anxiety. Others called it shy. Some even said she was an introvert. She wiped furiously at the tears spilling down her cheeks. She called it fear. Fear of someone hurting her. Fear of someone violating her. Fear of being touched. Fear of looking at herself in the mirror and seeing the broken, bloody, little girl she knew she was.

"Abba!" she cried, using the word, for father, from a song she loved. A song that made her feel so much like God's little girl. Her chest heaved with the sobs that broke forth from her. "Abba, Please! It hurts." she said as she leaned against the cold wall allowing herself to slide down to the floor. She jumped when a soft knock sounded at the door.

Logan watched her leave. Something was not right. His mother had said she had anxiety issues. His gut was screaming otherwise. She did not look anxious. She looked like a wounded animal that had gotten cornered. Taking a breath, he did something he had not done in years. He prayed. He asked God that whatever he needed to do for his prayer to be heard that it be done. If it was being sorry for the life he had lived, he was. If it was giving Him the rest of his life, he did. As Logan sat there pouring himself out to the only One he knew could help, a peace he had not felt in years settled over him. He did not question it. He did not reject it. All eyes and cameras were on the bathroom door not him as he gave his life back to Christ.

Clearing his throat Logan drew the attention of the cameras back to him, "Helen is a friend of my mother. My mother said she sometimes has anxiety issues." he paused and then finished, "If maybe we could cut the cameras for just a bit until I can help her adjust to this attention, I think it would help."

He watched the lead camera man, Ty, put down his camera and nod in agreement. "Would you mind if we went across the street for some coffee?" he asked Logan.

"I think that would be great. It would give me time to help Helen." Logan agreed.

"We will meet back here in thirty." the camera man said as he and the crew headed out the door.

"Perfect." Logan said as he was heading toward the bathroom door.

Logan paused outside the bathroom door, he could hear the sobs coming from the other side of the door, and a part of his heart broke for her. He was going to knock, when he heard her cry out. He knew what Abba meant. He knew she was pleading with God. When he heard her cry out to Abba again telling him it hurt, he knew he needed to go to her. He just did not know how.

"Help me, help her Father." he whispered before he knocked softly. "Helen, can I come in?"

Helen heard Logan asking if he could come in. She was getting ready to get up and wipe the tears out of her eyes when he opened the door. She froze. He was standing there in the doorway looking down at her. She was not sure what to do. She had no way out. She could feel panic starting to take over, and then, he did something she did not understand. He did not come in. He did not speak. He did not just stand there. He lowered himself in the doorway and sat. He did not make one move to come closer. She could feel the panic easing.

Logan could see the fresh tears on her cheeks and in her eyes. He could also see fear. He knew that sitting down had helped her gain some control, but could still see how apprehensive she was. He just wished he could figure out how to help her.

They sat there for a couple of minutes just staring at each other. Neither one of them seemed inclined to either talk or move. He knew it had to end so Logan broke the silence first.

"My mother says you have anxiety issues, do you?" he asked softly, never once taking his eye off of hers. He looked at her and waited for her to say what he knew. She didn't. She just sat there, looking at him with those sad blue eyes.

Taking a deep breath Logan spoke again. "We are going to be dancing together, Helen. I am going to be holding you for some steps. I am going to be leading you for others. I know this will be hard for you. I want you to know right here and now, if anything gets to be too much, all you need to do is say 'grapes'." he watched curiosity flash across her face.

"'Grapes'?" Helen asked.

"'Grapes'." Logan said again. "It will be our safe word. It will be the one word that only you and I know. It will be the one word that when spoken, I will stop touching you. I will give you space. I will be the one to call a break in front of the cameras. No one else has to know how hard this is for you."

"'Grapes'." this time Helen whispered it. She had a weary smile on her face now as she said it again. "'Grapes'."

Logan stood up slowly. "I will wait for you in the studio. The crew will be back in about five minutes." he spoke gently as he turned and walked away.

Helen watched Logan walk away. She got up and went to the sink and washed the tears away. She looked into the mirror and with a tiny smile she said, "'Grapes.'" He knew she was having a hard time. He may not know why, but he knew. Helen did not know why, but it helped her to know that he was trying to be nice. He was not going to humiliate her. She took a deep breath, turned and walked to the studio. Today she would start to learn to dance.

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