In my life I always need to smile
A smile that I always wish someone will notice is fake
A smile that can put somebody at the ease
And smile that full of pain but nobody notice
When my parents got divorce I smile and say "i understand...
When my dad have girlfriend I smile and said be happy dad that's all I need
I always smile to the point that when I smile it's not that I'm happy anymore but I'm suffering
I'm suffering alone with nobody
I suffer... To the point that I have this thing called anxiety and depression
I lose.. I lose my self because I'm always smiling and my therapist
"Why are you always smiling?
I answer " Because I don't want to be a burden...
"Why are you always acting tough?
" Because I don't want to worry anyone..
"Wny did you put up such a tall wall?
" Because I don't want anyone to see that I'm broken and needed a break from all the fucking things that's happening in my life... I don't want them to see me in my state right know and say that it's because your always acting tough. I say as tears keep flowing from my eyes
"Then why did you choose to hide?
" Because I'm afraid... Im afraid that if somebody know and they tell me their gonna stay and I believe that they will stay beside me when I needed them one day, they will go because they grew tired of me..
"What are you afraid of?
"I'm afraid of possibilities and living...
And why she asks I said" I'm afraid that of living because I fear that if I continue living all this pain will continue to grow and possibilities can make that happen... i-i i want to be happy again...
I don't remember what and how does it feel b-but I want it again.... I want to smile that is not fake anymore i-i want to laugh again that is not fake anymore I-I want it
And as the therapy continue the pain and fear are still growing and I stay honest... Honest enough
Nothing is getting better but I'm honest
And more and more day pass and I started to have this crazy suicidal thoughts from the voices in my head that is making me feel that my head will crack open
So I imagine... I imagine that I'm better to a place that I feel that everything is okay
For a while I'm okay but it's only temporarily
I'm not scared that they will throw me to mental facilities because I get crazy
What I'm worried about is my sister... my only sister
I'm worried that if you throw me to mental facility and I left her she will suffer the same way I did
She will smile... She will put a tall wall that nobody can see through
And one day I thought of giving up
Because I'm tired I'm really really tired I want to rest.... I want to go to place where I don't need to pretend anymore
That's what I thought when my door suddenly open
And the next thing I know is my dad running to me with a worried expression as I lose consciousness
But when I wake up I was in the hospital bed with a oxygen mask and a dextrose in my hand and as soon as my dad see me open my eyes he call a doctor to came and check my vital
"Mom? I said as my mom look at me and answer
" what is it honey? She says with a tears in her eyes
As I ask "Why are you crying? I said as I put a smile
" Don't smile please... If you want to cry mommy is right here you can cry all you want no one will tell you to stop... Those words put my eyes into tears as let it all out in my mother's caring arm
"Mom!I'm sorry... I'm really sorry mom. I sais as I keep hugging my mom and she's said" shhhhhhb it's okay it's okay honey it's alright...
As I got out of the hospital my mom never let off her sight and when the day that I feel better my mom ask "What happened?
I look at her and answer "i have depression and anxiety mom....
She look at me again and say" why didn't you tell me?
"I don't wanna worry you.i don't want to a burden to you mom...
"Your not.... my mom said as she hold my hand
" were gonna get you in therapy once again okay?
Im not sure but this time I wanna try again together with my mom, my dad, and my sister so I nod
Therapy is going well and this time I can say that I'm getting better. Dad is visiting us again and he broke up with his girlfriend and now she's trying. To pursue mom again
Looking at us now made me realize the saying everything happened for a reason and it's true, God will never give a Trial that you can't overcome
All those pain, suffering and hurting are now can become a memory
Now I want to give life a new and fresh try till the day I have "A real smile" once again....
( THE END )
