I Accidentally Married a Mosquito today.
Mia is my name, and if you’re wondering how a mosquito somehow became my husband, you’re asking the same question I am.Everyone says it started on Monday.
They’re wrong.
It started the moment my luck packed its bags and walked out.
I was heading home with my best friend when she suddenly grabbed my arm and yelled, “Run!”
I frowned at her. “Why?”
“Because the goat has chosen violence.”I waited for the punchline.It never came.
“The what?”
Before she could explain, a giant goat with the most majestic beard I’d ever seen came charging straight at us.I pointed at it in disbelief. “Why is a goat chasing us?”
My friend didn’t even slow down.“I accidentally insulted his hairstyle!”
I almost tripped over my own feet.“How do you insult a goat’s hairstyle?”
“I said his beard looked uneven!”
I sighed.“So this is how I die.”
We sprinted through the streets while the goat chased us with the determination of someone collecting unpaid taxes.
People jumped out of the way. One guy took out his phone and started recording. An elderly woman actually cheered for the goat.
Traitor.
I spotted the nearest open building and threw myself inside, slamming the door behind me. Bent over with my hands on my knees, I tried to catch my breath.
When I finally looked up, I realized I’d made another terrible decision.Everyone inside was wearing black suits.A huge banner hung across the room.
EVIL ORGANIZATION
I looked at the banner.Then at the people.Then back at the banner.
“Well,” I muttered. “Wrong building.”
Before I could quietly leave, a tall man with the brightest smile I’d ever seen walked over and shook my hand.
“Congratulations! You’re hired!”
I blinked.“I think you’ve got the wrong person.”
“Nonsense!” he said. “We admire confidence.”
“I literally jumped through a window.”
“Exactly.”
Apparently breaking and entering counted as a strong résumé.
Before I could explain, another man wearing an unnecessarily dramatic black cape stormed into the room carrying a notebook.
He slammed it onto the table.
“Today’s evil plan!”
Everyone gasped.He opened the notebook.
The room went completely silent.One employee slowly raised his hand.
“Sir… that’s your grocery list.”
The man stared at the page for a long moment before closing the notebook.
“Let’s all pretend that didn’t happen.”
I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing.Somehow, against all logic, this had become my first day at work.The boss clapped his hands together.
“Right! Orientation!”
Everyone applauded like he’d just announced free pizza.I had absolutely no idea why.
A woman wearing sunglasses indoors walked over and dropped a thick employee handbook into my arms. It hit hard enough to count as assault.
The cover read:
WELCOME TO ABSOLUTELY EVIL PEOPLE
Underneath, in tiny letters, it said:
Please recycle.
I looked up.“You recycle?”
She looked offended.“We’re villains.”She folded her arms.”Not monsters.”
Honestly, I couldn’t argue with that.I opened the handbook.
Page one: Dress Code.
Page two: How to Laugh Evilly.
Page three: Please Stop Pressing the Self-Destruct Button.I looked back at the woman.
“Why does that even need to be a rule?”
She sighed.“Kevin.”
A guy near the back sheepishly raised his hand.
“It looked important.”
The boss pinched the bridge of his nose.
“It is important.”
Kevin nodded thoughtfully.
“Then why is the button so easy to press?”
Nobody answered.Mostly because he had a point.Just then, a loud buzzer echoed through the room.Every employee jumped to their feet.The boss’s smile disappeared.
“Inspection.”
I leaned toward the woman beside me.
“Who’s inspecting us?”
She shrugged.“No idea.”
I frowned.“What do you mean, ‘no idea’?”
She lowered her voice.“We’ve never made it this far.” Before I could ask what she meant, the doors flew open.
Not in a dramatic movie way, either. They simply burst inward with a loud bang that made everyone jump.
A tiny old woman marched into the room carrying a clipboard. She couldn’t have been taller than five feet, but the second she stepped inside, every villain froze.
Even Kevin.The boss swallowed hard.
“The Auditor.”
She adjusted her glasses and glanced around the room.
“Fire exits?”
The boss pointed without saying a word.She gave a small nod.
“First-aid kit?”
An employee hurried over and proudly held one up.Another nod.
“Tax records?”
The boss forced a smile.
“Would… a gift basket help?”“No.”
“Worth asking.”
She scribbled something on her clipboard before looking straight at me.
“New recruit?”
Every head in the room turned toward me.
I gave an awkward little wave.“I wasn’t actually trying to join.”
She ignored that completely.
“Have you completed mosquito safety training?”
I frowned.“My what?”
Her expression changed instantly.“You let a new employee into the building without mosquito safety training?”
The room went silent.The boss suddenly found the floor very interesting.
“Maybe.”
She smacked him across the arm with her clipboard.He yelped.
“That’s a Level Seven violation!”
“I thought it was optional!”
“Optional?” she repeated. “What if one appears?”
As if the universe had been waiting for its cue, a familiar buzzing drifted through the room.A mosquito lazily floated across the ceiling.Chaos erupted.One villain dove under the table.Kevin climbed onto a chair.Someone in the back screamed, “It’s back!”I looked around in confusion.
“Back?”
The mosquito ignored everyone else and calmly landed on my shoulder.The room fell silent so fast it was almost impressive.The boss slowly took off his sunglasses.“No way.”The Auditor let her clipboard slip from her hands.“Impossible.”
I glanced at the mosquito sitting on my shoulder, then back at everyone staring at me like I’d grown another head.
“Why are you all looking at me?”The boss cleared his throat.“It chose you.”“I don’t want to be chosen.”“No one ever does.”The mosquito buzzed once.
The entire room burst into applause.
I stared at them.“Why are you clapping?”
The Auditor picked up a tiny rulebook from her pocket and flipped through it with surprising speed.
“According to company policy, Section Forty-Two, if the Sacred Mosquito voluntarily lands on an employee, the two are officially bonded.”
I blinked.
“…Bonded?”
The boss smiled like he’d just witnessed a miracle“Congratulations.”
“For what?”
Everyone answered at the same time.“Your engagement.”
I looked from one face to another, waiting for someone to laugh.Nobody did.Someone even threw confetti.Seriously… where were they keeping all this confetti?
The boss wiped away an emotional tear.“It’s always beautiful to watch destiny at work.”
I pointed at the mosquito.“That’s not destiny. That’s a bug.”
The Auditor folded her arms.“That is the Sacred Mosquito.”“It drinks blood.”“It also inspires teamwork.”
“I don’t think those two things are connected.”
Kevin raised his hand.“They’re in the same chapter of the handbook.”
“Of course they are.”
Trying to prove everyone wrong, I held out my finger.
“Okay, little guy. Could you please fly away?”Instead, the mosquito calmly climbed onto my finger.The room gasped again.The boss looked horrified.“It accepted physical contact.”
“I didn’t touch it!”
“It touched you.”
“That counts?”
“It absolutely counts.”
I rubbed my forehead.“Can someone explain all of this in normal words?”
The Auditor cleared her throat.“The Sacred Mosquito chooses one employee every fifty years.”
“Why?”“We don’t know.“What happens after it chooses someone?”
“They become its lifelong partner.”
“Why?”
“We don’t know that either.”
I looked around the room.“So everyone just accepted this without asking a single question?”The boss smiled proudly.“We’re very respectful.”“You’re very confusing.”
Kevin slowly raised his hand.“I actually have a question.”
The room froze.The boss looked at him in disbelief“You’ve worked here for six years.“I have.”“And now you decide to ask questions?”Kevin shrugged.“It felt like the right time.”The boss sighed.
“Fair enough.”
The Auditor snapped her rulebook shut.“The rules are the rules.”I folded my arms.“Well, I refuse.”For the first time, she looked genuinely surprised.“I’m sorry?”“I’m not marrying a mosquito.”
The boss gasped like I’d said something offensive“No one has ever refused the Sacred Mosquito.”
“Has no one here ever had common sense?”Nobody answered.I took a step toward the exit.
“I’m leaving.”
The boss snapped his fingers, and two employees quietly stepped in front of the door. They weren’t threatening. They just smiled politely.
“I’d really appreciate it if you moved.”
“We’d really appreciate that too,” one of them said.
“So… move?”
“No.”
I let out a long sigh and pointed at Kevin.“Then let him marry the mosquito.”
Kevin’s face lit up.“I volunteer!”
“The Sacred Mosquito makes its own choice,” the boss explained. “It cannot be persuaded.”
Kevin held out both hands hopefully anyway.The mosquito lifted off my finger, circled the room once, and for one glorious second, I thought I’d been saved.Then it landed right back on my shoulder.Kevin looked absolutely crushed.
“I’ve been preparing for this for years.”“There was preparation?”“I attended three mosquito appreciation seminars.”
“Were they helpful?”“Not really.”“I figured.”
The Auditor nodded with satisfaction.“Everything appears to be in order.”“It absolutely does not.”
She ignored me and turned to the boss.“You may begin the ceremony.”
I laughed.Nobody else did.My smile slowly faded.
“Wait… you’re serious?”
“The wedding begins in five minutes,” the boss announced.
The room instantly burst into action. Chairs were arranged, a red carpet appeared from somewhere, and Kevin proudly walked past carrying a tiny black bow tie.
I stared at it.
“Please tell me that’s not for the mosquito.”
“It’s the groom’s formal wear.”
I looked at the mosquito sitting happily on my shoulder, then at the crowd excitedly preparing for a wedding I definitely hadn’t agreed to.Somewhere outside, a goat bleated.
Honestly…I should’ve just taken my chances with the goat.
