Right now, I don't know what i feel right know tho. Can someone help me with myself? Why everyone want to put the blame on me!, I want to do everything I want! why can't my family let me!, I literally feel suffocating in my own home!. They said i am lazy, they said i am burden to them.
A months ago, my own father said to me that"in my relative there's no one become a crazy person!", "don't be childish anymore you are already too old!" You can't even do anything works!,"you are weak try to be strong! you are girl! Look others" My feelings was so hurt when i heard it.I tears up in the silence and start overthinks about it over and over again. Early, I was asked my father about some a simple question wchich end up i fell into quite. Even my brothers said i am only a burden!" and " you have a feeling of wanting to go far away, you don't even know how to take care of yourself".
(I'm going for driving lesson) I got a girl lecturer. I don't know why but it's end up bad and she make me no more motivation for driving. I am a fool right?, yeah I know. However, i am a slow learner anyway. first she start asked me some questions about my studies as I am keep forgetting things wchich she just showed me only once. Then she asked me about my disabilities as i am slow learner wchich make my mood spoiled totally, she is totally not unfriendly and extrovert type. When I asked her question she not answered it's like she Ingored me differently. She said "Whatever you like, you're the one who will bring it, not me." So I decided I stop taking lessons from there because she is totally disrespect me. This is making my family mad with me instead until now because I can't start work yet. You all can blame me too tho nobody caress about me too. I am an idiot, yeah I know.
In June, my result will out this morning. Actually, it's broke me again, I feel so useless and burden to everyone. My only hope is crashed that instead tho got mad and cursed from my family like usually. They look down against me totally, didn't even care of my feelings, please someone I am lonely and hurt too. Until now I become a freeloader and burden too to everyone, I know. When I tell to them that I want to work they didn't let me as I didn't had any licence.(poor me) I know I deserve it for being an big idiot. I know.
Right now, I can't help myself from being an overthinker to negative thoughts, like "it's better for me too gone right? ","it's better if I didn't even born into this world right?,"i am a burden to everyone around me", i want to die maybe that's better for everyone around me", "they will be happy right?" I feel so fucking down it's like I had been trap in my own negative thoughts on keep questioning over and over again. It's keep repeating in my mind every single day wchich make me suffocating and blame myself for being stupid failure.l know that I am also got tired of myself too. I am hurting myself unfortunately. Maybe I am crazy person,right now?
To mama,
Mama, I missed you really much nowadays, it's okay, right mama? Did mama missed me too or are you also hate me too, mama? I don't know what to said but mama,I am lonely soul without you mama, everything feels so difficult for me. Father and brothers are so mean to me even though they care about me but I can't feel it, Mama, I am sorry for being your failure as your only daughter , failure as a younger sister in our family. (I am a failure i deserve all your hate tho as I already become a place to release your anger though words without considering my feelings, i am a puppet so I don't have feelings right? Atleast that what i thought it is)
To myself,
Unfortunately I am a failure to you too right? I want to said that something I didn't said it always to you that thank you for still survived with me until now, thank you for still wanting to be with me even though everyone around me was being hate,disappointed towards me. Some even disappeared or distant themselves from me cause got distracted by their own stuff. But you,myself still here with me. also, I want to said that I am sorry for not taking good care of you and always Ingored my own health wchich is unfortunately I hurting you too. I know that , I am also got tired but I also surrender with whatever gonna happen let it happens
I am so hurts, broken, no motivation all, only being controlled by my dad and brothers even though they just giving me advice wchich too me it's sound like "you can do this" and "you can't do that" all I wishes was only a peaceful life with a good life partner, no more toxic around me, maybe atleast a peaceful death one day right?
There's I had more to said but let's just end it here okay? I am sorry if anyone didn't like my nonsense but it's what happened to me right now.
I just had depression and even anxiety so yeah you know right it's extremely difficult for me even though I told my family about it they won't believe me too. I the only girl in my family now after my mother was passed away and i am so lonely, i had my father and brothers to talk and shared about but they wouldn't understand it the unspoken feelings or my thoughts inside me. The battle between me and disorders wchich i walked alone, So yeah I surrender.
