Your nails dig deeper into my wrist.
It hurts but I still don't want you to let go,
Even if I bleed out in pain as I clench my fist.
Being released would only hurt more, I just know.
You're always running far ahead,
Looking back to see if I'll chase you blindly.
You believe I will, even when I know I'm being misled,
And like a puppet, I do, as if my strings are being pulled tightly.
You locked me in a cage,
And left the door open, knowing I won't leave.
So I willingly wait for you to pen orders like a blank page.
Stuck in the prison I refuse to escape, I have no right to grieve.
Whether you choose to keep me close or push me away,
It doesn't matter to you since we both know I'd stay anyway.
Posting random things because I'm bored and can't sleep..
(Lines are intentionally NOT 10 syllables because in the format I chose to write it in, each line is longer than the last in each paragraph.)
Anywayss, I am literally like SO physical touch deprived its crazyyyy. Like, I know I seriously claimed to not like physical touch BUT it also literally depends on the person AND my mood... It actually took me quite a while to get here. Like before, I did NOT like it AT ALL. Okay, first I don't even really like people. (My friends now don't reallyy count as people) So, when I was first meeting them though, I would absolutely hate when they got close to me at the start of getting to know them. Then at some point, I was okay with like putting my hands on their shoulder or maybe arms from time to time and vice versa. But still no hugs (once, I even asked how a hug was like possible because I haven't had one in a long time and I started thinking about it and was like, wait wtf how do people do their arms when they hug each other???) So, anyways I DO want a hug sometimes but it's also SO difficult because even when I DO want a hug and I feel like I need it, it's just really killing me how I can feel so repulsed by a person's touch, even when its not a hug. Like, someone could accidentally BRUSH agains my arm a little bit and my body would rebel. Without even meaning to though, my body just likes freezes up and I'm like holy cow why? And when that happens, the touch just LINGERS on the part of me that was touched and I can just feel it there for quite a while. And that's also part of why I so loudly protest when someone wants to like hug me. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE FRIEND who is like, physical touch is DEFINITELY their language so they like to randomly jump/hug me and I just can't. Because sometimes their hugs really do feel nice like I could just break down and cry because I don't usually get hugged. Then there are other times where, I SWEAR IM NOT LYING, I just can't control wanting to break away from it. The thing is, they don't even know I feel that way. Like yes, they know I don't really like physical touch but they don't really know WHY, ykkk? That's also why I like to loudly protest against hugs so that they don't really do it and I know that friend who loves physical touch also gets hurt when I protest. But I also don't want them to see my ACTUAL reaction if it were to randomly happen. So far, I've been able to hide it by like laughing a little bit and being like "ewwwww get off of me bro 😭" and other stuff but I just don't think I can take it if they were to actually see my reaction to feeling repulsed by their touch and feeling like I just can't shake it off. ALSO why I just refuse all hugs in general, even if it doesn't happen ALL the time is because if I hug them only when I feel like it, only when I need a hug, it just feels so shitty. Which is why I will stand on business on not receiving hugs. Now that I've said all this and read it to myself, it actually sounds so stupid and silly of me to do... Wtv anyways byeee.
