Have you ever had a moment when you felt the world around was crushing apart? That feeling that the ground beneath you is swallowing whole. Wishing that everything that happened was just a dream and not reality? That feeling of wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. That feeling of wanting to lose your memories of something so painful your heart hurts. Your chest tightening as you struggle to breathe but at the same time you can only show a non-chalnant face on the surface. I've had the moment.
All I had faced was thanks to a twenty years friendship I had with her. We were a group of six friends. The two of us had been friends from the moment I turned four years old she was a year younger than me,our families were friends and she took care of me everywhere. All the other four were friends we made throughout the years I made two friends and she made the two other. Making us a group of six, for the first time she had a female friend in high-school and introduced her to the friend group. They became fast friends and soon they hanged out everyday. Our group of friends had been friends for four years and it would have been nine years if she had not left back then.
I've known her for my whole life. We've been friends for as long as twenty six years including the five years she has not been here. I've just turned thirty and and she's turning twenty nine soon. Like all these years she's been away. I thought she wouldn't be here again for her birthday this year too. But today her mother post on her Instagram story that her daughter had come home. I was shocked and in disbelief. Until she posted a loving family photo with her five hours later. She looked even prettier and elegant but with a sense of aloofness, she wasn't someone I knew anymore. She felt beyond my reach, someone I could now only stare at through my screen. Someone who's face I could only touch through the screen and feel the coldness of the phone.'You're back, you're finally back' I whispered.
The moment I confirmed she had come home through her through her mom's post, the first thing I wanted to do was show up at her house, asking her why she left back then. But the way she had ruthlessly cut off all contacts left me rageful and thought maybe she didn't want to be even, friends anymore. For the first week she arrived home, I held onto myself and the urge to show up at her house. But I couldn't resist the urge to roam around or have something or the other to do near her house. Yet, a week went by without seeing her. Ironical how, in the past not even half a day would go by without us seeing each other.
Then one evening I received a call from one of our close friend, she wanted to celebrate her birthday with everyone. Initially I planned on declining but she urged me to turn up saying she had called her too and we would be reuniting the friend group. My eyes lit up but
I nonchalantly said 'Let me see... cause I've got somethings going on that day. That night I couldn't sleep,the birthday celebration was the next day,and the thought of seeing her again excited me so much I tossed and turned the whole night. I woke up with a heavy eye bag/black eye due to the lack of sleep.
I hardly had a wink of sleep. I began frantically searching for ways online to reduce my eye bags... something I've never done before. I tried cold compress, placing ice cubes on my eyes, cucumbers, chilled spoons etc...everything seemed to work against me this morning. I then took a long shower and rinsed my hair. I began to shuffle my clothes turning my closet upside down. The first time in my thirty years, I realized I did not have a decent peice of clothing. The noise I made in my room caught the attention of my mother, who worrieddly asked me what I was looking for. I replied I needed to go shopping for clothes, shocked at what she just heard me saying her jaw dropped. Yes I dressed decently but never particularly went for shopping in the last five years. She picked on the clue and immediately told me to go for it. Then gave me addresses of a few places I could find good clothes. I immediately went and halfway there I realized I had forgotten to eat breakfast and it was nearing noon.
I stopped by a restaurant and ordered plain egg sandwich and apple juice out of habit, packed it and had it in the car on the way. I carefully selected a few pieces of clothing I liked and went back home. I then started to wear my newly bought clothes and looking at myself before the mirror making myself look presentable. Do I look old? Do I look out of touch with trends? Do I look awkward in these light colored pants? Does jeans not match me? I began questioning every piece of clothing. Like that time kept on ticking.
The party was soon starting. Years ago parties would have been extravagant and held for long hours starting at midnight but we've been through a lot and moreover she'd be uncomfortable So I suggested we hold a simple party with ten people at maximum for that night to which the birthday girl readily agreed...saying initially she had planned on inviting her to the bigger party she was holding later in the night but was not so willing to do so. I told her there's a higher chance she'd turn up if you called her for the early party, because she'd now prefer the lesser crowd. To my joy, she responded saying she'd turn up for sure for the early party.
I began frantically planning back then as soon as I knew she'd turn up. I had dreaded not seeing her, I feared she might change her mind the last moment and decide not to turn up. As much as I wanted to turn up early I was too anxious to do so. I arrived fifteen to twenty minutes late and hated myself for not turning up earlier. She had been here for some time then.With every fiber of my being I wanted her to be there, I longed to see her again and there she was. The moment I stepped into the room, I saw her. She was wearing an elegant dark green dress, beautiful as always. Her white glasses made her look extremely studious, seductively aloof and unapproachable. She looked like she was not in a good condition. Her mind was wandering, I wanted to walk up to her and grab her into a hug the moment I saw her.
She looked completely out of place, like she no longer belonged here. Does she hate being here? Does she hate being with us? Is she sleeping well & eating on time? What is her favorite book now? Does she still love mystery and crime fiction? Does she know I've missed her? I held back the urge to stare at her but out of the corner of my eye I noticed each and every move. What happened to the once jovial goofy girl? The one would endlessly talk to me about her recent reads,favorite dramas,funny shows, and most beloved poems. Where did my girl go?
I could no longer hold onto my urge and decided to speak to her and turned to her but, the moment I turned to her she had been grabbed by the birthday girl and together they went out. After what felt like an hour her friend returned without her. I waited for some time and decided to go look for her, only to see her dad had come to pick her up and I couldn't catch up in time.
To be continued...
