I take a few steps on the wet tiles beneath my feet. Each step feeling like I'm walking straight into hell. Like a monster is gonna show up any time to eat me alive.
I stand still in the middle of the street, letting the heavy rain pour over me. I slowly look up at the sky and spread my arms.
THIS IS IT... this is the world.
It feels strange... I am a free woman. I can go where I want, do what I want I am no longer captive by him, ordered around by his evil voice.
NO... I'M FREE NOW.
BUT I STILL SEE YOU, TAEHYUNG...
I still hear you, feel you. You are in every piece of me, in every breath of me. And I can't get rid of you.
He is so clear in front of me. Almost as if I can touch him. But when I stretch out my hand, it goes right through him.
Now that I'm free, the world feels like a prison to me. I'm locked into my thoughts and fears, I feel chains all around me with his name engraved on it. And when I close my eyes, I feel his eyes on me. I feel his presence.
But somehow, those chains give me comfort. They touch my heart. As if I want his name on me. I want to be locked inside of him forever. It's the only thing that's keeping me alive. .
What I feel for him is so intense and beautiful, no matter how much I attempt to weaken it by hatred, because that is easier.
I look at the beautiful illusion my mind created. I guess there is no such thing as a cure for love. Even my hatred can't defeat it.
WHY??
JUST WHY??
~~A YEAR LATER~~
Finally, a day off where I can hangout with my friends again.
We are going to my favorite club, I often come here to have some fun and distract my mind a bit.
FRIEND: "Okay girl, today I will find you the perfect guy! I won't let you walk out of here without a hookup!"
My friend screamed through the music as she laughed.
Y/N: "Oh please, I don't do hookups! And besides I didn't come here to find a guy. I just wanna have fun with my friends!" I say as I hug her.
It was the life I needed. I had people surrounding me. I had a life outside of my apartment. I had fought my fears to finally reach this far. And I enjoyed it, I liked having company from people I felt comfortable with.
Not everything is perfect, but it was good enough Enough to survive and stay sane most of the time.
The people who knew me didn't know anything of my past. To them I was just another normal girl, who just sometimes struggled with a little social anxiety.
I wanted that. I wanted to be treated like I was one of them. Cause that was the only way I felt like one of them.
I left the dark past behind me. I hid it somewhere far away. It's what they call 'moving on. Even if I had lost my real identity. I had finally created a new one.
FRIEND: "GUYS, let's all play truth or dare! I'm in for some fun!"
A friend screamed out. The others agreed immediately as I silently looked at them. Their faces turned towards me, waiting for my approval.
Y/N: "Yea, sure..."
I say hesitantly.
It's not like they will ask any serious questions, so why not I guess.
FRIEND: "Great! And we're not gonna do the whole drink or answer bullshît, everyone has to answer or do what the others say"
OTHER FRIEND: "Damn, sounds scary"
She says sarcastically.
We started to play the game, having fun and being loud for no reasons. Like I thought, none of the questions were anything serious to trigger my mind or something. After playing for a while, it was my turn again.
FRIEND: "Okay Y/N, truth or dare??"
I answer 'TRUTH' like every other time.
FRIEND: "You know now that I think of it... we always talk about our exes or guys we have liked, or our horrible sèx stories, but I have never heard you mention yours?? Tell me something about your love life?? Or someone you liked? ?Or wait, are you still a vîrgin??"
FRIEND: "Wait those are a lot of questions... just tell us about the last quy you have liked, or your recent ex, or your last hookup?? You can choose which one"
I stare silently ahead of me, squeezing my glass tighter and tighter as I feel an unbearable pain in my chest. The world slowly fades away, and all I'm left with is him...
His face flashes through my mind. I don't want to think of him...
IT HURTS.
I CAN'T BREATHE...
I gasp for air but it felt like I was drowning.
TAEHYUNG... his name lingers on the tip of my tongue. I want to call out to him.
NO... STOP... PLEASE....
My breathing gets heavier and heavier as I feel my friends reach out to me. Their voices are calling out in the distance, but my mind is blocking all the chaos around me. I can't breathe... I... I....
FRIENDS: "Oh god, Y/N!! Are you okay?? Just try to breathe slowly okay??"
Their voices slightly reach out to me. I tried to force my mind back to them, I tried to ignore the burning pain. I didn't want to think about him but he was all I thought about.
I HATE YOU.... I FUCKING HATE YOU... LEAVE ME ALONE!!
My mind screamed out. For a moment I let go and let myself face him. I stopped forcing my mind to let go. I allowed all my feelings inside.
TAEHYUNG, I... I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH...
I felt the warm embrace of my friend around me as I started to breathe again. I looked at her...
FRIEND: "Omg Y/N look at me! Are you okay??"
Y/N: "He... he was very evil and I loved him insanely despite everything he had done. But... he never loved me back... before abondening me forever, he kissed me goodbye. I can still feel his lips on mine..."
FRIEND: "Oh god that's terrible, I'm so sorry!" She turned her face to the other friend.
FRIEND: "Why the fûck did you ask her that question! She's obviously going through a heartbreak because of that terrible ex!"
OTHER FRIEND: "I didn't know it was so sensitive to her okay! Listen, Y/N, I'm really sorry. I totally know how you feel, I've dealt with horrible guys too. But you'll get over him, trust me. Whoever that basterd is, isn't worth it anyways"
FRIEND: "Hey but are you okay now? For a moment it looked like you couldn't breathe"
I look up at her and suddenly smile.
Y/N: "Oh I'm fine now! It was just a terrible memory and the alcohol just made it worse, don't worry haha" I say as I snapped out of it.
FRIEND: "Oh thank god! You got us so worried. And she's right, we know how it feels to get heart broken, but you know guys are just stupid and we don't need them"
I smile at them.
Y/N: "Yes, you're totally right. I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back"
I got up and walked away, sitting at a bar away from them. Damn it...
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? I thought I had myself under control. I thought I had left the pain behind me.
BUT WHY DID I SUDDENLY SNAP LIKE THAT??
WHY DID IT TRIGGER ME SO BADLY...??
I lean my head into my hands. I was over him, I am over him.
All I feel is disgust towards him. I've seen the outside world, I've seen how beautiful and warm people can be. I learned the difference between good and evil. That's why I grew hatred towards him.
THEN......WHY DID I CALL OUT TO HIM LIKE THAT??
I sigh deeply and pour a drink into my mouth.
??: "You seem stressed out. Want another drink??"
I heard a voice say in the background of my thoughts. My eyes were fixated at the wall in front of me as I was lost in my own world. I didn't even notice that I started to talk back to the background voice.
Y/N: "Apparently I'm just going through a heartbreak. And I shouldn't worry because all guys are stupid anyways and everyone deals with them. But I feel like the one I dealt with was another type of stupid, although I really hope they didn't actually go through the same thing"
Y/N: "Oh but wait this wasn't just a guy, or just an ex, or just a hookup. No, he was my freaking husband, no wait he IS my husband. I can't even divorce him... my 'stupid' husband"
I suddenly realised I was talking to a stranger. I moved my eyes and before looking at my side, that strange voice started to talk again.
??: "How unpleasant to be called stupid, He is everything but stupid and you know that, don't you, Y/N??"
I hear the familiar voice clear in my mind and turn around in a shock.
NO........
FUCK NO.......
PLEASE.....
*************************************************
THATS IT FOR PART-6......
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