I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have been careless.
I shouldn't have opened the door.
Only if I was strong.
Only if I was more of a smart person.
Only if....if I checked what was out there before carelessly opening it, in order to prevent letting in the source of my destruction.
Only if...I was smarter, stronger. I won't be here like this.
Shivering at the middle of the night of mid-summer.
Alone and cold.
I couldn't believe it.
Did it really happen to me?
Thought it was my sister who was about to come tonight Or my family returning from the party.
But it was not.
Shoved harshly inside as soon as the door is opened, all struggles in vain because the man in front of me was stronger.
" Strip and kneel!", the order slipping through his mouth so easily that it seemed to be normal.
Standing at the gunpoint with no clothes to cover your body, ashamed and afraid.
Oh did I ever imagine it to happen!
I couldn't scream. Why? Because of fear.
" Try screaming and your family will get your f*cked corpse", said the man, pointing the gun straight at my head.
A satin ribbon tied to hands, knees aching from the constant pressure put on them, I shouldn't have let that happen to me.
My mouth ached from the constant abuse, I couldn't remember when it started. Angry tears poured out of my eyes, but he kept on going.
I couldn't scream, I shouldn't scream.
I gagged but he didn't stop.
I don't remember when I passed out but I was pulled out of it by a harsh tug to my hair.
The pain was too much.
I let out a low scream and I didn't know what was about to come my way, but I knew that it would be worse.
Harshly slapped and thrown around the small apartment room which I thought to be cosy and beautiful until now, I felt my bones breaking slowly.
I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness.
' That's great!' I thought to myself, relieved at the thought of passing out so that I no longer feel that pain.
But he had other plans.
He pushed me into bathroom, dipping my head into the bathtub full of water.
I chocked onto the cold water, the dizziness washing away.
Was the bathtub full? I didn't fill it up. I don't remember.
I tried to distract myself from the abuse but couldn't.
I slowly started to feel numb.
I don't remember getting pulled out of the tub, coughing harshly and throwing up.
I just remember how he then pulled me out threw me out on my own soft bed.
The dizziness wasn't leaving my system and he wasn't letting me pass out.
I couldn't see clearly.
What was happening? He was doing something behind me.
But what? I don't know.
Until I felt my back being ripped apart by a harsh force did I realise what was happening.
The harsh whipping was too much for me to take, it hurt.
'It hurts, it hurts, it hurts....' I cried out.
He seemed to be enjoying it.
I seemed to have slipped out for a second or maybe two? three? I don't know. I don't remember.
I just remember the feeling of relief that washed through me when he stopped.
I could feel wetness on my back.
Why was I sweating?
Oh! It was blood.
I don't remember the words that he said to me.
" You are liking it whore?
You must be!"
" Such a b*tch!"
" I have waited so long for this! To make you my sl*t!"
" You will feel good.
Just wait."
No. He must've not said that.
Maybe I am mistaken?
Why would someone call me those names?
I am not! I was never!
I don't even have a lover.
I kept on denying inside but was too afraid to speak out.
Those words kept on roaming inside my head.
I didn't feel anything after that.
I didn't scream.
I didn't scream when I felt him inside me.
Harsh and rough, breaking me, killing me.
I didn't scream when I felt him harshly slapping me on my face.
Making my lips bleed.
I don't remember when it stopped.
I don't remember when he left me alone and cold with a few words.
" It felt so good. You were good to me, more than I expected.You are such a good plaything. You make me proud.
You should be proud."
He left, not before giving me a gift for being a good 'girl'.
A collar around my neck, like a dog.
I don't remember passing out cold.
I don't remember being pulled into a hasty hug by my sister.
I don't remember the panicked face of my family who just returned from a party? I don't know.
I don't remember.
I didn't know when the police came or when the neighbours started to gather around, gasping at the horrific scene.
I didn't know when a warm blanket was placed over me, covering my naked figure.
Who was that man? I don't know.
I don't remember.
I don't want to remember.
I don't want to remember how weak I am, how weak I was, despite being a male myself.
Oh, was I born more masculine, I wouldn't have had to go through this.
My fault that I am this feminine looking, weak, pathetic.
My sister denies it, my family denies it but its true.
I am weak and pathetic.
I couldn't even protect myself. How will I be able to protect her?
They were trying to pull me out of it but my eyes kept on staring at that door.
The door where I still could feel that man standing.
The door which ruined my life.
The door which should have never been opened..
