Diba sabi nila kapag may nagkakagusto sayo, hindi mo naman obligasyon na ibalik feelings nila?
pero bakit pag may umaming nagkakagusto sila sayo, parang unti-unti mo din silang nagugustuhan.
I had this classmate named Sebastian, he's a tall guy, pogi, matalino, mabait, perfect maging asawa ko HAHAHAHA kidding. I consider him as a precious gem kase halos wala siyang katulad. He is actually a green flag of all green flags. I find him attractive with these qualities. But, something's holding me back, I, Cronos do have commitments with my fellow classmate which is Cyrpto. Nililigawan ako ni Crypto and I also find crypto attractive dahil sa mindset at humor niya. Yes, you read it right, hindi ko alam if cheating ba pero I find my two classmates attractive and it starts to confuse me.
One time, our teacher ordered us na maghanap ng pares for our activity and dapat yung hindi daw namin ka-close at masyadong nakakausap. Yung kaharutan na nasa kaibuturan ng aking puso, matic na sinabing si Sebastian ang ipares ko kase hindi naman kami close. Chance ko na to HAHAHAHA kaya go go go na. I also found that Crypto already have a partner which is Nathan, introvert sa klase namin. I approached seb with a shake in my voice," a-ahm seb, kase wala pakong partner para sa activity eh, pwede ka bang maging partner, okay lang naman if may partner ka na, kung wala lang naman eh,". Sebastian smiled at me, he looks so cute every time he smiles, honestly I'm going to like this man even more. "Sure, pwede naman, ikaw pa," he said while he pats my head. That's cute HAHAHAHA kinilig ako don, seryos but dapat hindi niya mahalata so I stepped back and said "Salamat sebastian, mayang hapon natin gagawin ha." I speed up walking back into my seat pero shit, his actions killed my composure.
It was 3 in the afternoon at uwian na when Crypto approached me. "Hey, may problema ako cron baby, si nathan kase parang di gagawa kase may emergency. Pwede bang ikaw nalang maging partner ko," crypto said. "Ha? Partner na kami ni seb eh, nasabihan ko na. San ba kase si nate?," nag-aalalang sabi ko. "Ewan ko pero sige na please, para magawa ko lang activity ko," crypto held my arms while saying these words and yeah, Gusto ko si crypto kaya umaandar naman karupokan ko. "Sige, pero paresan ko nalang din si seb, dali na gawin na natin," i replied while taking the materials out para masimulan na namin ni crypto.
When we're halfway to finishing our activity, Sebastian came into the hall bringing his materials and it shocked me as he was just stoned there looking at us. It was an awkward silence. "Cronos, kala ko ba tayo magpartner, ano yan?," Sebastian was shaking his voice as he said these words at alam mo sa nagtatagpo niyang kilay na galit siya. I was so guilty that time, "a-ah, pinartneran ko lang si crypto, seb kase wala si nate eh pero magpapartner pa din naman tayo. I'm sorry for not informing you", I said while nanginginig kamay ko sa kaba. "Okay", Sebastian replied then he turned his back on me and walked fast out of the hall. Gusto ko siyang habulin para magsorry but nababahala ako sa ano ang iisipin ni crypto if I did that but I am srsly hurt kase alam kong nasaktan yung tao, he was introvert eh.
I tried to contact and messaged him on his social media accounts but he refused to give me a reply. Nababahala ako sobra, tinadtad ko siya ng sorry but still, hindi Niya pa din ako kinausap. Kinabukasan, when the teacher collected the activities, crypto passed what we made and seb? di na siya gumawa. He was asked bakit di siya gumawa but he refuse to respond. Hindi niya din ako pinapansin nor he looks at me, galit lang talaga siya. Diba ambonak ko? i made my crush angry and srsly, I lost a chance on possibly winning his heart.
Weeks passed and Sebastian still didn't care about talking to me again, and I think ayaw na niya talaga akong kausapin after that, but it's so weird naman bakit siya ganon, pero yeah he's introvert and it looks like a betryal to him. So, I also start forgetting about what happened kase di naman maiiba and ayu dumating sa point na sinagot ko na si crypto. Everything went well naman except for our connections ni sebastian. Ayoko naman mabother so I diverted my attention in writing stories in my personal acc. English, Tagalog at Bisaya yung sinusulat kong stories pero halos BL and luckily, I'm getting popular with my pieces.
One time, I opened a say-out acc for my readers to express their messages for their writers. Daming nagmemention but one message really caught my attention. Sabi don, "you will prolly never get this but hey it's okay. you don't know how much i care and how much i want you. gosh i wish i could tell you but i don't wanna lose you so i'll push down my feelings until i know you want me." With these words, ang seryoso ng sender kaya minyday ko to ask my readers kung sino to. It was sent 5 days ago at ngayon ko pa lang nabasa. Upon waiting, a familiar person reacted heart on my story.
It was sebastian, and after a few minute, he eventually replied on that particular story. "Ako yan, cron. ", he said. Did I read it, right? Gusto ako ni Sebastian? Fuck, I really like him and gago, bakit ngayon pa siya nagconfess when I already have crypto. "Totoo ba Sebastian, I'm really sorry for hurting you dahil don sa Activity ha," I replied on his message. "Di okay lang bothered lang ako kase ikaw yung nag-ask sakin na gusto mokong makasama sa Activity tapos ikaw din yung sumira ng agreement. Masakit siya kase I expected eh," sabi niya and I can feel the pain of his words. "Masakit siya kase masaya ako non dahil I'm silently loving you eh and I finally got the chance sana to be with you pero pinaasa moko," he continued. "Kase seb diko naman talaga sinadya to pair with him eh, he just asked me a favor kase nawala partner niya pero makikipagpartner pa din naman ako sayo" sagot ko while I am expecting him to understand and right now, durog na durog ako sa mga naririnig ko sa kanya. "No, cron, you can't do that. Hindi ko deserve ganong treatments kaya. So, I shut down your offer," these are his words and tama naman siya hindi niya deserve maging plan B. "But it's okay, no worries, apologies accepted, wag ka na mag-alala," he said. These gave me a relief pero hindi ko pa din mapatawad sarili ko na nasaktan ko ng todo yung taong gusto ko.
but, there's something that I want to ask him.
"Seb, diba sabi mo gusto mo ako? gagi how come?"
then Sebastian told me a story na sana makakapagpasaya sakin.
"Gusto talaga kita noon, cron, even before Crypto Came. Comfortable ka kase kausap kahit kunti lang usapan natin but you always make me smile. Ewan ko nga din,.minsan lang ako nagkakagusto at mahirap i-earn yung trust ko pero I'm scared kase dali dali mo lang nakuha lahat. When you asked me to be your partner, sobrang saya ko non kase finally makakasama na din kita. Gusto ko na talaga sabihin sayo na gustong-gusto kita.
Alam mo ba sa time dapat na yun, I will ask you to be my boyfriend. Manliligaw na sana ako cron kase diko na mapipigilan yung feelings ko sayo but what I saw, made my heart broken. Nakita ko kayo ni Crypto and there I realized, baka si crypto nga yung gusto mo and wala akong chance. Kaya ganon naging reaction ko and pinabayaan ko nalang kayo.
Ngunit, akala ko don na matatapos lahat, but I can't still stop loving you eh. Takte ka kase Cronos eh, lakas ng tama mo sakin. Nasa point ako ng kakornihan ko na nag-eedit ako ng pictures for you saying na you are my therapy. Weird pero ganon nga HAHAHAHA At kung hindi mo alam, ako yung silent supporter mo sa mga stories mo. Binabasa ko lagi mga stories mo from BL to poems and to smut. Kahit nga yung bisaya na stories mo, alam ko eh. Alam mo ba nagbayad talaga ako ng translator para lang maiintindihan yung bisaya story mo kase alam mo namang kakalipat ko lang dito sa mindanao diba? Ayun, just because I love you and your works, nagbayad pa talaga ako ng translator.
No'ng time na nagkakalaboa kayo ni Crypto, I'm going to approach you sana eh. You don't deserve the treatments na binibigay niya, Cronos. You deserve better things pa eh at kung sana binigyan moko ng chance, I can offer you everytime na dapat sayo. Pero ayun, mukang nahuli ata pagdating ko sa buhay mo eh, may crypto ka na. and I'm silently happy and sad while admiring you from afar", he said and with these words alam mo talaga na sebastian is indeed in deep pains.
Sobrang sakit din sa part ko na ang ganda ng nabigay ni sebastian sana sakin at hindi ko man lang siya binigyan ng pagkakataon. I want to love him eh pero I can't, pero the funny thing is, i can't lose him. At sa mga sinabi niya, yung natutulog ko na feelings para sa kanya, nabuhay muli and now, mas lalo ko pa siyang minahal. He's so genuine, he's thoughtful and ironically, siya pala yung ideal boyfriend na hinahanap ko. Dito ko na realize na, mahal ko pala talaga si sebastian.
If we had the chance, gusto kong mahalin siya ng buo at walang pero. Kung hindi man ito ang panahon, sana sa panahon na handa na ako, andyan pa rin siya at handa. Kung ang mundong ito ay hindi para sa aming pagmamahalan, sana susunod na mundo, magiging akin na siya na walang anumang hadlang.
Pero sa ngayon, mabuti din na malaman ni Sebastian ang nararamdaman ko.
"Seb, gustong-gusto din kita. Sobra-sobra. I can't call you mine pero seb, seryoso I can't lose you," I said to him through vm na halatang naiiyak ako.
Dahil don, naging mas close pa kami ni sebastian at mas naging open sa feelings ng isa't isa. Few months passed at muling nabakante yung puso ko. Ngayon, alam kong handa nakong magmahal ulit. Ngayon, alam ko na kaninong balikat ako muling sasandal at kaninong puso ang gagawin ko ng tahanan at papangalagaan, ito si Sebastian. I was about to tell him while he's study in the hall kase alam kong mag-isa siya. I brought him chocolates and flowers kahit lalaki siya, I sighed and gasped as I enter the hall but what I saw reminds me of an identical pain.
It's sebastian, kneeling in front of Nathan asking him to be his boyfriend. So this how it feels when I hurt seb, wala akong nagawa kundi tumalikod at lumakad palayo. Masakit yung nadatnan ko at dito ko naisip na gago nga ang tadhana. Gusto ko noon ni Sebastian pero diko pinansin, nagustuhan ko na siya unti-unti at ngayon, may iba na siyang gusto. Sayang lang na yung dating inaasam-asam kong panahon, hindi na mabibigyan ng pagkakataon. At ngayon, wala akong magawa kundi ngumiti kahit napipilitan habang nakikita siyang kasama ni nathan. Kase kung hindi ko pa sinayang ang isang precious gem na tulad niya, siguro malago na ang aming pagmamahalan.
May this remind you to choose that valuable gem who puts right balues on you because one day, this gem might slip out of your hands. After all, we just realize the value of something when you lose that gem.
Till this day, i regret losing a gem like sebastian...
