....🙃

before anyone of y'all start reading this lemme just say that this is kind of um....all my frustrations that have been bothering me alot lately so this might get messy so read at your own risk ig

I...idk what's gotten into me these days....I feel numb, everything hurts, and most importantly....I've fallen back into my bad habits of skipping meals and trying to hurt myself....maybe it's because you left? idk....I feel too broken....I fight with people I don't even know....and crave for any type of validation from literally anyone at all....I've always been a bit of a people pleaser....but it's getting worse....coz I will hurt myself....if it means making someone else happy.....I never went to such lengths for anyone before.....I guess you were just too special for me...I loved you....so much that it ruined me....I forgot who I was, and now? now I'm someone that I myself don't recognize.

.....who is the one that resides in my body? it's so much different than who I was a while ago....the girl I am now....and the girl I was just a couple of months ago....are more or less of polar opposites.

But I guess..... losing you did have some plus points....I did manage to become a bit more strong....learned that I myself am the only one who will stay.

....learned not to trust someone so easily :)

To be honest I still think of you at times....when I'm sad...thoughts of you will come to me 😂 and I will be more sad.

Sometimes I think....that it would've been better if I had died when I was still a child....but then....I think of my friends and how amazing they are and what a pity it would be if I had never got to meet them.

....and on days like today....when I'm sad....I will cry myself to sleep and try to find comfort in the fact that although you might have never cared about me....I still have many friends who would be devastated if anything were to happen to me.

Honestly I myself am not sure why I'm writing this.....maybe I feel too lonely? or maybe I just want someone to love me....like I loved you :)

...Urdu poetry....often reminds me of you....which is annoying at times cause I will find a beautiful piece of poetry....but it will make me sad 😂

At times....I get too emotional....and end up being mean to you....but honestly? I almost always pray for your happiness.

I know...that you hate me and I know that nothing I do can ever change that but still... I was hopeful....that maybe you didn't hate me just as much as I thought.

You know that I always blame myself...for stuff that goes wrong 🙃....you know I even blamed myself for my parents divorce....you knew that I'm sensitive....but still you did all that to me....you ruined me and I don't think that this is something I'll be able to forgive.

How can you have such a carefree attitude? how can you tell someone you love them but then dump them and then move on in less than a week?

I still haven't been able to make myself throw those lockets away...maybe coz I'm still hopeful? idk sometimes I wish that we had never met....but then I also was the happiest with you...I would have hated not getting to experience that.

honestly....I want everything to end at this point. I wish you would have let me go....before I fell so much for you.

Y'know.....it still hurts....so much.....it feels like you took my heart with you when you left couldn't you have let me down a bit more gently? you call me a sympathy whore but jaanu....what am I supposed to do if not tell my friends about things that upset me? (terribly sorry for using the word jaanu there it's supposed to be reserved for important people you don't deserve to be called that)

honestly....all I want is to be important to someone....and for someone to love me....like I loved you.... because my love for you....was pure unconditional love :) seeing you happy....made me happy....and I couldn't bear to see you sad...I always wanted what was best for you.... little did I know that I'd be discarded of eventually just like a piece of used tissue paper.

my insomnia is back too lol....I don't even know what to do anymore

today is one of those days.....when I wish I wasn't born....maybe I'm overthinking too much? idk

the urge to starve myself is getting stronger too lol but y'know what imma fight against it all

You say that everyone's expendable? and say that only someone worthless will say that everyone's existence has a purpose? well then I'd like to inform you that the one who calls others worthless actually himself is worthless :) glad you could realize you're worthless but next time, please don't push the blame on me.

And yes I do have problems, and I do have a messed up life and I might even have mental health issues....but I'm still nice to others :) and that's what makes me better than you

Y'know I used to cut my wrists too. the first time it happened? was after my close friend left, and you dumped me right after it happened :) so yea I have those problems too but y'know....I'm slowly getting better...I've found amazing friends....like v sis, crystal sis, crystal jaanu (yes they're two different ppl), shiro, aster dear, tae dear....and a few irl friends too.(I'm sorry if I forgot to mention some of y'all)

I've also started seeing a counselor which helps me with my family drama :) but you? ig you're still stuck in your loop of getting a girl, cheating on her, discarding said girl, and repeat.

idk why that other girl was defending you because obviously she does not know much. saying she's your sister does not make her your sister :) she's neither your wife nor related to you by blood so y'all aren't family geez. good friends at the most.

Honestly I just wish that the people I care about stay safe ne. I learned how to cook momos for you....but it's a pity you'll never get to taste them....lol

did y'know....if you starve yourself and sleep the whole day, and drink water when you wake up, you will end up vomiting? yea I didn't know that could happen till a few days ago too ig that's all I have to say for now, I feel so much better after typing all that out lol it's getting late I should get some rest now ig