*People Pleaser*
*Part III: I Have Everyone Still I am Alone*
Like a tree loses its leaves every year to get new leaves, a person always loses a part of them every year, but it doesn't always mean that you lose a part of yourself for good. The process of falling leaves is natural so does the growing leaves, but the losing and gaining part in humans is completely dependent on them. You choose which part of yourself you desire to lose, and which you shall grow in yourself, but we often forget it, don't we?
*Back to the story*
Tears started to stream from my eyes when I saw her. A flashback of my past appeared in front of my eyes making me feel disgusted about everyone.
I never had friends till grade 6th, everyone used to bully me as I was weak, I wasn't intelligent, no doubt that my parents and teachers used to think that I am dumb, but the truth was, I wasn't. I had knowledge but on other things. I liked to write, it was my hobby, but I always used to get taunts from my parents saying, "There's no good career in writing, you should become an engineer or a doctor, and make us proud, not by becoming a cheap writer filled with emotions. No support, no friends, and the eternal loneliness has brought me to the stage where I am standing; crying in front of the mirror remembering that pitiful me who wanted love and attention from everyone.
One day, when I was with my mother in grade 5th, I saw a girl running towards her mother telling her she got an A grade in her class. The love and happiness which I saw in her mom's eyes were indescribable. I also wanted to see such a thing in my mom's eyes, but I never got a chance to, as I was always considered a disgrace in my family because my hobbies were cheap for them.
"See, what a good girl she is! And look at you, you are nothing but a huge burden and a disgrace to us who can't even bring B grade," Mom said to me.
My sight became blurry by my tears.
From that day, I took a decision, *I will bring the best grades in my class and will quit the hobby of writing.* I lost my only favourite thing, but at that time more than my liking in hobbies, my parents' happiness mattered, so I quit it knowing someday I will regret it.
*Scoring higher marks became a way of me pleasing my parents.* Later, no one will believe but my parents' attitude changed, they started to become more attentive to me, they started to *love me, which I never got from the age of 5.* That reason was enough for me to continue it all, though I wasn't happy, I wanted my family to be, and that's the time where *I started to lose myself for others.*
Later, I got to know that by wearing stylish dresses and having a big attitude with an extrovert character, you can gain friends, but the secret is *when you change for others the relationship which gets formed between the two _is never true, and hence it doesn't last long_, and I don't know if this is not the answer of the young generation asking, _"Why my friendship didn't last much?''._*
I started to do what others used to do, I left my introvert side somewhere in the corner of my heart and took an aim to be an extrovert, *it took very little time to win others' hearts by this.* I was heavenly happy when I saw the teachers admiring me for my marks, my parents loving me with all their heart and having dozens of friends when I only wished to have one loyal one. *I was getting everything that was beyond my imagination, then why shall I not continue pleasing others?* But every action of yours have circumstances, I lose myself in return, I wasn't happy internally because I knew that... *_they don't like me for being myself_, they like me because I am _like them_.* But slowly, my guilt went away, my subconscious left me.
I smashed the mirror with anger and sorrow. The flashback ended quickly.
"Wh-what was that? Nothing reminded me of my past, then why today is this happening?" I cried a lot while saying this line.
My mother and father came running towards me and tried to confront me. They asked me if is there anything wrong.
What can I tell them? All the things which I have done till now will never give me the support needed which I need right now. If I will tell them everything, they will not love me anymore, if I will tell my friends about my past, I will again become laughing material.
I soon realised that... *I have everyone still I am alone.*
The next day I didn't feel to go to my college, I locked myself in my bedroom and didn't let my parents enter. To my surprise, rather than my parents, no one cared about my absence in college, I never kept my absentee in classes; this was my first time being absent still no one messaged me asking if I am okay. Every event after the mirror incident was slowly proving to me that I have no one with me right now except me who can understand myself, and that 'me'... I never cared about her. How funny it is that when I need others the most, only I am with me whereas I have always ignored myself.
*To Be Continued*
