Talking about the good times I had, it was not much, but yes, I had those times, you know, way back in my childhood, early childhood days, which I don't even remember, the time before I went to school. Even though I only heard about those times, it was pretty clear that I was happier then than ever. Those were the only times I acted like a kid, and that thought even worries me, and I wonder why my parents were never bothered by it. Aren't you supposed to be worried when your kid acts out of character? Doesn't it feel strange when they totally turn silent and well behaved? I think they were okay with all that as long as I bought good grades in the exams. I still wonder what made me change a lot.
Things get exhausting when you have a competitor, and the more difficult it becomes when that person in question is closer to you. This unhealthy comparison happens in every family and at every stage of one's life. People tend to compare us with our siblings, friends, strangers and even to their childhood selves. They are trying and asking us to match up with some ideal-person-image that they have in their mind, that person which even they hate to be. Having an elder sibling who was closer to such an image was putting me in a difficult spot. He was good at everything he did, never even lost a point in any exams and came first in all the talent exams. On the outside, he was a sweet kid who never spoke unnecessarily or was involved with anything unrelated to him. So the pressure was on me to be like him, which was the total opposite of my inherent character. Like any other kid, I wanted praises too, and back then, it didn't matter if that meant to mould yourself into something that wasn't you. I forgot myself, I lost myself, and there were times when I couldn't bear it any longer; it was like having two people inside me, the ones that fight endlessly for each other's existence.
The co-existence of each self was arduous since one wanted to be the obedient child, and the other wanted to be the bird that loved the azure sky. I felt suffocated like a caged bird. By the time I realised it all and wanted to rebel, they said I was late, and they tried to assure me that there was no point in protesting. I should be an idiot if I were to believe that too. Instead, I act like an obedient child and look for the keys to this pretty cage that could grand the freedom I have always longed to have.
Sometimes I look out of those grills and wonder whom to blame for my misfortunes and the choices I made? Will I get the chance to fly out of this fancy cage? No matter how comfortable they make you with their praises and gifts, they can not fill the void inside me; they can not quench my thirst for flight, my freedom.
