Sitting on a park bench I let out a slow sigh feeling the air hitting my face, the sound of the dry leaves falling is relaxing to me so I take my time to enjoy this.
It's a habit to stop by here every afternoon after work, it's a way to escape for at least a moment from this stressful reality that consists of four words for me, food, work, home and happiness, which can be replaced by fun.
I adjust my jacket as I feel cold, I raise my eyes just to observe how teenage boys leave the institution nearby, but I fix my sight on a couple in particular.
They are holding hands, smiling with blushing cheeks, giving each other sweet little kisses and hugging each other tightly.
pair of sweethearts
Surely they think their love is genuine, lasting and that nothing will stand in the way of it.
But it won't.
Life is not good, nor fair to many of us.
And I lived it in my own flesh, that when you decide something at the wrong time it is likely that you will lose it, that if you do something right, the devil inside you comes out to take it away.
Yes, everything gets out of hand at a certain point, some cowards leave everything like me, and others live with the eternal fresh mark it left on them.
In that I see her, yes her, that girl I didn't stop thinking about for more than two years, the one I lost because of my idiocy, the one I dragged with me straight into the fire and yet she loved me so much that only she burned.
I got up immediately from where I was sitting with my eyes fixed on her silhouette, I walked to reach her, but she only smiled, turned around and continued forward, I wanted to touch her, to touch at least the tip of her hair to appease the anxiety that began to devour me, however the closer I was, the more it seemed that she was moving away.
Yessenia, please, let me reach you, just once, I beg you," my throat managed to emit sound, despite being dry from panting so much.
Yes, right now I was running after her and my only goal was to reach her, to hug her and take refuge in her arms, the only ones that gave me a comforting warmth.
I didn't know where I was going, I only knew that I wanted to reach her, I didn't care if I had to go through the middle of the ocean or through a spinal cord to achieve it, I would do it with pleasure if she was waiting for me on the other side with that beautiful smile that adorned her face, I would do it, I'm more than sure of that.
But all of a sudden and like an electric bolt of lightning, my mind broke the bubble where I was enclosed, reality brought me back to earth, I was in a dark and gloomy place, besides, it was a dark and gloomy place.
I was in a dark and gloomy place, besides me, no soul prowled that place, only me, only me surrounded by a row of dusty tombstones, abandoned there... Why was I here?
What? why was I here? where was my wife?
<< Yessenia ... she is dead because of you, asshole>>.
I blurt out my subconscious in a raw and savage way, feeling how that wounded my heart like a dagger.
I trembled before those words, my legs faltered and I fell to my knees, without ordering it my tears left my eyes that in less than a second had already read the letters engraved on the cement
"Yessenia Pardavé Iglesias de Wilson."
Born November 14, 1994
Died July 5, 2019".
Now I remembered.
I have this problem since she died, since she left me, or better said?
since I killed her.
Being on my knees I cried bitterly letting out cries of pain, I felt that her name was a buried knife that made me bleed to death every time I tried to pull it out, it was like a fire inside me, it burned every feeling that came out choking me with that smoke.
It was my fault, it was my fault that she suffered in life, that she had those marks on her face, that she had no friends, that we lost our first baby,
it was all my damn fault!!!
I wasn't able to get out the poison that invaded my soul back then, but she, she, she with that sweet smile covered me from all the snakes that bit me and absorbed the damage that only scum like me deserved to receive.
Why?!!! If this is part of some punishment there was no need to kill me while I was alive, she was everything to me, her absence is an abyss, a totally dark world without any sense where pain is the only thing that reminds me every day that I am alive.
Ashen images pass through my head tormenting me even more.
My eyes are cloudy, overflowing with tears.
That day, that weakness that Yessenia wanted so much to placate, came to the surface as usual making my actions a kilometer away from the reason that controls my brain. I was drunk out of my mind, then I saw that man flirting with her and my blood boiled with anger....
thumps and screams of my beautiful baby were the only things heard next and minutes later the cabin, along with our few moments of happiness that we lived, was engulfed in flames.
I deserved to die in that place!!!!!
... And yet the only one alive was me
I admit, I admit that I hate myself deeply, that I am a shitty person, I admit it, however, even if I cry blood . . . . it is too late, nothing I say will reach her ears, none of my words will make her wake up, make her love me again, make her hug me, make her wait for me with a cup of tea after work ....
I won't even be able to see my baby, I won't see her take her first steps, say her first word, I simply won't see her anymore....
They disappeared before my eyes.
Nothing of what I lived with them will ever happen again, all because they had the misfortune of being by my side, I was the cancer that took their lives and that is the biggest punishment I have, that is the biggest burden I will carry until I take my last breath.
- End -
