My life is quite a mess, but i never thought I'd end up in the floor cutting myself.

Hey, my name is Asenath, and today I'll tell you about my crazy life. My mom left when i was a baby, and I had a older sister. We both grew up in our father's side. At the age of 5 my dad finds another wife, with that a step mom came into our life. She always hated me while she loved my sister dearly. She treated me like I'm not a biological daughter of my dad, because I really look like my mom and she hates my mom. She screams and swears at me for no reason, when she gets a fight with my dad she just finds a reason to blame me. But after getting mad at me saying stuff like "YOU'RE JUST AN ADOPTED CHILD", "YOU DONT EVEN LOOK LIKE YOUR DAD", "YOU ARE SO UGLY", or any hurtful words that she think of, she just says "sorry" and tells me that "l dont have someone to vent my anger to, please dont tell this to your dad" and a murderous look while saying "or else you know the consequences". That word always shivers me so I remain quiet and act like nothing happened. The only person I have in my family is my Dad, he loves and cares for me even its just a little. But he doesnt know what actually I feel seeing him having a good smile with my sister and step mom.

School was the only place place that is safe for me, where I can always be alone, yes I di have some friends but when I comes to breaktime, recess, or lunch they'd go in groups and hangout. And I, I would go to the library and feel at peace, it was quiet, people barely went there, there are lots of books there for me to read, like Ancients, History, Chemistry, and Languages. But unfortunately the teachers noticed some students going up to the classrooms, they were quite strict about it, which they stopped the students from going upstairs, the library was upstairs so I couldn't goand be alone. So I just sat alone, there were people everywhere, they look at me as a poor dog. And i could see my friends laughing and chatting together, not just my friends but everyone in the school. I felt like i really dont belong there. So i just walked around the school and try to forget all about my problems.

But that was before, now we have a lockdown. At first I didn't like the sound od staying at home, because I would see my step mom everyday which is a nightmare to me, but my introvert self bloomed. I would close my windows, curtains and especially my door, and lock myself there watching anime, eat, sleep, and repeat. Because of that I got distant with my love once.

My online class started, I got elected as Class President , I was surprise because who would elect such a person like me, who is a mean loner at school. The first months of school was great, I finished all my assignments, I studied for hours because everyone in my class depended on me, but it went all down hill, I stopped doing my assignments, I got so stressed because I also had a common papers to finish, my task were just stacking up. And the day I could no longer cope started ,I had a mental breakdown, I broke some peace of glass, it just happened out of nowhere, before I could process what I just did I felt burning in my arm, a blood started to come out......and it didn't stop. The blood kept flowing in my arm, and I just cried till I fell asleep, I never smiled like how I used to, I couldn't think of a reason to live, and all what's in my mine is I wanna die.

Then my step mom and dad knocked on the door while i was laying down on the floor, I couldn't move or say something, its like I was paralyze. So my dad get the master keys and they went in to my room. My dad was shocked on he sees while my mom is smiling and murmuring a " wish you were dead". My dad urgently called an ambulance. And while waiting for the ambulance my dad ran to get a medecine kit and my stop mom left alone with me and she wispered through my ears " I would really be happy if you were dead", so that me, your sister, and your dad would live happily". Hearing those things didn't shivers me because i feel like I'm a corpse who has no heart and emotions. My dad went in and she kneeled beside me and held my hand saying with tears in her eyes "hang in there ase, the ambulance will come soon".

Then the ambulance came, I went straight to the OR then fell asleep.

I wake and saw my dad sitting beside me holding my hand. When he saw me waken up he shed into tears saying...

"Why did you do that?, You made me scared, do you know how scared I was when i saw you laying on the floor with so much blood in your arm? You were in a come for 2 days ase, I thought I... I would never see you again". Hearing those things made my heart broke and shed me into tears. And I ask God in a silent, "WHYYY? Why do I have to go through this one? Have I done anything wrong?

One month later

I was walking back to our house and I saw my mother's sister. I urgently called her and ask her about my mother like "where could she be?", "where can I find her?", she was a bit shocked when she saw me but after a few second she immediately hug me. She said " Let's talked inside our house dear, before your father sees me.

(Since the day my mom left us, our father said we must cut off our relationship with our mother's family and never talk to them. And I call my mother's sister "mommy")

So we went in inside her house. I ask her again what happened and why did she do that?. Then she started telling me the whole story.

mommy: Dear, I know how you feel and what you went through and i am so sorry for that. I am telling this on behalf of your mother. You are now grown up and you just look like your mom. The truth is that your mom got raped and you are the child of that person who raped your mom. She was about to go home in your house after work. It was a night time, when suddenly someone knocked her out. When she wake up all her clothes are torn and all what she did is cry. She went back to your house and pretends like nothing happened but every night she is crying while taking your sister a nap. After a few weeks, she found out that she is pregnant. And that is you. That's why she left when you where a baby, she dont want to see you but you really just look like your mom. Your father also knows about it and he accepted you and he treated like his biological daughter. Ase I am really sorry that you have been go through this one. I wish you could forgive your mom.

I was stiff and I felt like my whole world is about to collapsed. And after a few second I shed into tears while saying " The world is really cruel to me" and left. And while I was walking back to our house, I shed so many tears. I looked up the sky and saying " WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL TO ME?" and I passed out.

When I woke up, I am inside my room laying down on my bed. " I am still alive huh?!, saying that to myself. My dad went in and he is holding some food, I'm about to eat the food that my prepared for me but my step mom suddenly appeared and then I lost my appetite. " Im not hungry dad, please put it back" and I lay down on my bed and covers my whole body with my blanket. Suddenly someone sitted beside my bed and wispered to my ears......

" Why are you still alive and cameback you ugly!", "Get yourself killed" then left. Every night all I do was crying.

My dad had a bussiness trip so he'll be out in a week.

I went through the kitchen and saw my sister and my step mom having a nice meal. (My sister is a PhD collage student so she stays in here dormitory near her school) I went straight to the fridge to get some food to eat. Then someone pulled me hair all of the sudden, as I look back it was my step mom dragging me back to my room shouting

" WHO TOLD YOU TO EAT SOME FOOD? AND I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE HUNGRY YOU UGLY! GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!" then she slapped me really hard side by side "NOW YOU MAKE ME LOST MY APPETITE!". My sister saw it but she didn't do anything to stop our step mom, she was just sitting there eand eating her meal like nothing happened.

Inside my room, I really am starving and telling and begging my sister to give me some food to eat but she just ignored me and said " i dont have a sister, we aren't even have the same blood!" then left. And because of hunger, I passed out.

When I woke up, I'm in the hospital. My dad, step mom and my sister was there. My dad told me that why am I doing this to me, why am I making myself starve, and why aren't you saying that you are in a depression? and who slapped you this hard? and shed to tears. I was about to told him the reason but my step mom gave me murderous look so I remained quiet.

(see yah on next chapter😗)

I was dismissed at the hospital right after my dad paid my medical fees. It was my dads birthday, my dad take me out and we ate at the restaurant. He but all my favorite foods, and we also went shopping but none of it made me smile, every smile on my face was all fake.

After shopping I told my dad I have to go to the bathroom and wait for me in the lobby, and while walking I bumped into someone. He is my old classmate from elementary, his name is glyde....

Glyde: Im sorry...I didnt mean to. Ohhh ase your here (then laugh) long time no see.

But I didn't response, I just went straight to the bathroom. When Im about to leave and go back to my dad, he was standing there waiting for me.

Glyde: Ase you dont remember me?. (he said it with a confusional face) I'm glyde, your classmate in elementary. The one who always plays with you back then.

Me: Ohh I remember you (I replied with a wry smile)

Glyde: Nice ( with a big smile)

Who are you with now?

Me: ohh I'm with my father, we were here because he wants to celebrate his birthday with just the two of us.

Glyde: Where is your dad? I would like to see him and greet him ( then he gave me a big smile again)

I was about to tell him where my dad is but my dad suddenly came.

Dad: There you are, I've been waiting for you in the lobby, wait who is this? (with confusional face)

Me: Hi dad, he is my old classmate in elementary Glyde.

Glyde: Hey uncle, Im glyde. Dont you remember me? Im the one who always plays with ase while waiting for you to pick her up. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE!!

Dad: Ohh you are that guy

Glyde: Yeah (he said that while scratching his head) Ohh by the way can I have your phone number ase?

Me: Yeah sure (gave him my phone number)

We better go back now, my step mom and my sister are still waiting for us to go back. Goodbye.

Outside the house my step mom and my sister are standing there with their arms crossed. And I saw my step mom glaring at me so I just went straight to my room and lock myself there. A few hours pass I receive a message and it's from glyde saying..

"Hi ase, This is my luckiest day because I finally found you again :) Since the day we've graduated elementary we lost communications, I tried looking for you, and searching for you in the social media. I never thought that I can find you in the mall. But why do I feel that change, the ase I know is a joyful person. Is there something wrong or is something bad happened?"

A gentle smile came out and I didn't knew that. And suddenly " smirk* I never thought that I could smile again". A few months pass, we started going out. We did all the things that we did in elementary like playing water gun, chess, paints, photobooth, taking nap and even more. That was the best day I ever had, and one day he ask me if I can be his girlfriend and I didn't hesitated saying YES to him.

It was a normal day for me because I am finally happy again and I fogotten all my problems because of him. One day my sister knew that I had a boyfriend so she ask me who is it. I just remained silent and continue eating my sandwich, she got angry and she pulled my hair so hard and some of my hair falls of because of that. While pulling my hair down so hard I struggled a lot and when my sister saw my hairs on the ground she suddenly withdraw her hand and saying...

" If you had just listened to me this wont happen" then left.

My step mom came and said "I really had a nice movie this day, watching the two sister's ohh not two sister's, the two step sister's fighting" then smirk. "I wish there will be more in the future". I ran inside my room and burried my head in my pillow then screamed.

Suddenly my phone rings, when I looked at my phone it was Glyde.

On the phone*

Glyde: Good morning ase, I just got woke up. How are you?

Me: sobbing* Gly.......

Glyde: Why are you crying? What happened? (with a worried voice) Dont go anywhere I will go to your house. Wait in a minute. hangs up*

A few minutes someone knocked in our front door.

Glyde: Ase you there? Let me in okay?

(My step mom is the one who opened the door because I was inside my room.)

Glyde: Auntie where's ase?

Step mom: In her room

Glyde: Ase Im here now, open the door.

(When I opened the door he was shocked because he saw a part of my hair was bald.)

Glyde: Its okay now, I'm here you dont need to worry. *Hugs me tight and kisses me in the forehead* Go take some rest, I will stay with you.

Me: Only you who makes me feel comfortable, promise me dont hurt me too okay?

Glyde: I promise, now sleep and have some rest I will stay by your side. *Then I fell asleep in his arms.

(See yah on the next chapter)

When I woke up I saw his phone on the top of my cabinet, and saw some messages. So I opened it and explore on the apps of his phone, because since we are in a relationship I have the rights to do so. When I opened the messages I was stunned for a sec and I felt like my whole body was numb. I couldn't even speak nor moved. After a few seconds a tears in my eyes drop all of the sudden.

message:

Blake: Dude dont forget all what you are doing was just a dare okay. Dont fall in love to her, she is just a peace of trash even her so called bestfriend disgust to her. Gotta go Mia is waiting for me.

(Ps: Blake was Glyde's bestfriend And Mia was my childhood friend who is also my bestfriend and like a sister to me. Blake was Mia's boyfriend)

Me: How could you do this to me?! You know what I've been through and yet you also hurt me. You played by me feelings. I thought you are not the same as them but I was wrong, YOU ARE ALSO JUST LIKE THEM!!. why....WHY??? *saying those things while wailing*

Glyde: Ase you woke up? *then he saw me holding his phone* Ase let me explain, please listen to me! *and holds my hand*

Me: There is nothing to explain to, I already knew it. We should brake up. * with a bitter smile*

Glyde: Ase * he said it like he is saying sorry*

Me: please go out and leave and thank you for making me happy for the mean time, Hope this will be our last meeting. * and turned away*

All I did was cry after he left the house and suddenly my step mom came in.

Stepmom: Good for you *then smirk* your dad will be here in the afternoon, fix yourself you moron. You shouldn't be here anyway *drag my hair and wispered in my ear* If you tell your father all the things that I did to you, I will make your life miserable, you understand my dear? NOW YOU FIX YOURSELF. *then left*

I fix my self and put on a hat so that my dad wont see my bald. My dad came and had some few gifts.

Stepmom: you look very tired dear, why dont you go straight to our room and rest there.

Dad: Its okay, give me some water.

Sister: My tuition fee is still not paid *giving him a puppy eyes*

Dad: Alright, I will pay it tomorrow just let me rest here for today okay? Ase, dont just stand there, come here.

Me: * I went near but not that close, and i sitted to a chair that is opposite to him*

Dad: Why are you there? come sit next to papa.

Me: Its okay dad, I'll just sit hear * then smile a bit*

Dad: Here, I got something for you * hands over*

Me: Thanks dad, let me just go back to my room so that you can rest quietly dad. Rest well * then leave*

A few weeks past, while I was walking outside our house to get some fresh air I saw my bestfriend Mia. So I called her

Me: Mia * saying it with a waving my hand*

Mia: *she looked at me with disgust* Ase whats up?

Me: you are disgusted to me right?

"she was a bit shock when I said it"

Mia: who told you that? of course not! * then looks at me with a pityful eyes*

Me: PLEASEE, stop pretending I already know the truth. Blake said it to glyde and.... *she suddenly interrupted*

Mia: Fine....Your right, I was disgusted to you and I hate you because you are....you have all the things that I want *tear fell from her eyes*

You know what, I have a big grudge to you. And blake and I are not even on a relationship, I just came up with that idea to play with your feelings. You and glyde are in a relationship for about 2 and a half years and that half years we are also in a relationship.

* wipe her eyes then smirk* I am also the one who push you in the pool, who messed your bag, and the one who always rip your outputs. I did all of those things because I am jealous to you, you always laugh and so nice. Its like your living like a princess and...

*I interrupted*

Me: (laugh crazily) I thought you understand my feelings because we grew up together. I also shared my secrets and all my grudges to you and yet you are just thinking about yourself (laugh a bit). Now that I knew all the things that I wanted, please let's end friendship here. Hope that you and glyde can stay longer.Goodbye

And that's was really the last day we talked, I thought that she will find me and say sorry to me but No. I had a mental breakdown again and what I did is that, I drink the one bottle of bleach in our house and outcome is I vomitted a lot till it becomes blood. My lip turned white and I felt dizzy then pass out.

Because of anxiety and depression I had phobias called...

ALGOPHOBIA- fear of pain

HAPHEPHOBIA- fear of touch

ILLYNGOPHOBIA- fear of vertigo

AMAXOPHOBIA- fear of travelling

AUTOPHOBIA- fear of being alone

and lastly CLAUSTROPHOBIA- from a anxiety disorder.

With this Phobias I still manage to run away from home, even if I knew that I have a amaxophobia. I tried to run away 4 times but I didn't succeed but on my 5th run away from home, I succeeded. There was a sign of relief in my heart that shed me into tears. I felt overwhelmed and there was this feeling that I couldn't explain. But that was just for a minute, a man sitted beside me his face was covered and pointed something on me that made me shiver and couldn't speak ......

(See you on the next chapter ♡)