" Life is full of paradox "

\-RM

After whatever happened to my sister I don't think I'll be able to live a fan's life.

"IDOL" perfect in every thing and in every aspect -that's what I used to think and that's what fans think. They all look like an angel fallen right from heaven but in reality they're just a wolf disguised in a sheep's clothing. I'm happy that at least I'm aware of what fake people's lives I've been looking up-to.

Haesung unni is a lot older than me, she's matured, intelligent, beautiful and have all the qualities like that of an ideal girl. Moreover she's my entire family who have always inspired me to work hard and to stand up for others and ourselves which we've been doing after our parents left...but not anymore.

The idol guy who dated her for ten years broke up with her in only one minute just because she didn't reach the expectations of other people. He forgot that once we were just like a family, he forgot that my unni was always there supporting and cheering him when he was still a trainee.

Unni was devastated. She became a living corpse.

She went into depression the whole year and because of that I had to drop out from college to earn money. I worked hard in order to feed us, to pay the rent and bills. From then I decided to live not for me but for unni.

"Hanuel, is that you?" she ask me in a cold dead tone. 'Yeah, So what's up ' I respond closing the main door.

"why is it so dark and where the hell are you?'' I ask while trying to find her in the dark.

"The bulb is broken here but there's light on other rooms "

"OK!... You wanna know what I brought for our dinner?" I asked waiting for her guess even though I knew what she had expected it to be.

"Ramen! and that also double spicy one. It has been ages since we haven't tried those." I kept on talking when I don't hear a single word from her.

Shutting herself in, not responding to my calls, and acting like she doesn't exists -became a daily routine for me so I was really used to the silence.

"Haneul" I hear her call when she comes out from the dark into our illuminated kitchen.

"WoW! look at you, you're already dressed up.. I knew you'll be able to get hold of yourself.. so going out huh? " I was so happy for her.

"Yeah! sort of..! " she gives me a dry smile and I get to look at her really carefully. All the glow in her face was gone, she looked thinner, paler like an stale fungus bread and looked older. I knew from this moment that my old Haesung unni was gone.

"what's that?" I asked pointing at the luggage which have been half covered by the darkness.

"Oh! yeah. I was about to tell you... " she stops and starts to scratch the nape of her neck which she does everytime when she hides something.

I get it, don't say that your leaving me alone here

"Just tell me" I say like I haven't gotten any clue.

"Um the thing is that.... you and I have been living together... and I love you but.. "

OH SHIT! I KNEW IT WAS COMING.. I know she's gonna leave me here all alone just like our parents and her boyfriend did.

please God prove me wrong!

"....but I think it will be better if we take a bigger step now... I hope you got it.. "

"crystal clear!.."

"So I got a job" she continues "a great job and the money they're offering are high too.. but the problem is that I have to go far"

"Where?..Busan? Ulsan?Ilsan?."

"..it's America" she says it shyly.

I feel like a big rock suddenly dropped it on me..

Though I can't say it to her I say it inside my head -"America? it's super far"

"Oh wow! it's a good news. Finally you've got a great job" I act as if I won a free ticket to Disneyland.

"So you've got no problem at all? "

Absolutely yes

"No! and why should I. I'm just so.." SAD "..happy that ur going to a big country and working there.. I'm so proud."

"Glad to hear that from you " she gives me a smile, an actual smile.. the smile I've been longing for.

"yeah.. so do you need me to drop you off at the airport " I ask with a big stone in my heart.

"it's fine I've already took care of it..and I'll promise to make our lives better" by saying this she goes.

I lived just for you so how does it makes our lives better? -