People say, every goodbyes lead to a new beginning. When you said your first goodbye, you felt lonely and sad for leaving. Then you felt excited at the same time, for your new beginning. A new place, new bed, new life and new adventure.

I said my first goodbye at the age of Fourteen.

The age where we began making our most memorable memories and friends. The best time of our life, where endless possibilities awaits. Where hopes are at our highest, young and fearless.

Recalling,

That wasn't my first goodbye. I was forced to learn being independent, when I was 10. The age where your not a little girl; not a big one. But come to think about it, 10 is actually still a little girl. I left home at the age of 10 not willingly but a matter of factly, because riots broke out in the country I was living in. For safety measures, my dad who was on his way back from a business trip and envision the brutality or the riot. Being in the middle of it and managed to flee his way back to our hometown. Made him fear.

He described cars burning in front and behind. Houses were robbed and burned. Even our warehouse were robbed, our employees said there wasn't even a piece of paper left behind. Girls dragged out and raped, perhaps a brutality and sight I don't ever see. Even description is subtle to understand how my dad felt and the terror it leaves in him. Because even I, until today. Cannot really comprehend how he felt.

All in all, in regard to this event, I was only told by my mother much later that "we thought we will never see your dad again". That was when I made a belief that perhaps I will never understand his decision of sending me away to safety as soon as he was back home. And that was when everything started. My continual journey to never stopping goodbyes.

My driver picked me up from school and the next day, I had to leave the country. I don't know what was going on, all I could remember was me packing up some clothes and the next day, I was on a SIA aircraft heading to my mother's birth country. I had no idea that the trip is a non return flight to my journey. I did not even take a single toy with me. So know how clueless of me of the situation back then when a 10 year old did not bring a toy or teddy bear for a trip. Honestly, I don't even remember what I packed in my luggage. Perhaps nothing.

So that night, my friend called and asked why I left school early. And casually I told her I am not quite sure but I will be leaving the country tomorrow. That point, we were so innocent to believe that - that were just it. Without realizing if we might not meet again. Back then, mobile phones are not like today.

So there I experienced my first goodbye at 10. Just a phone call to my then very good friend at school who could possibly turned out to be my best childhood friend. We were still children, to really understand the real significant of a friend.

Following my farewell, will I welcome my new world and embrace them? Was I able to totally understand love and accept such was an act of love and protection? What if the words that echoes within my childlike mind was the unfairness of it all?

The start of my new journey began at 10, when most of us kids start to collect our memories. At the least, for me that was it. I could not recall most that happened before that. Not amnesia but how much can we recall of it now?

Life before 10 - was simple.

Like many of us, I cry most morning not wanting to go to school.

Running and looking for my mum after school where she will have lunch ready for us.

Fighting with my siblings over small matters that meant alot to children.

Playing with our cousins during weekends.

Reluctantly doing our homeworks and going for tuitions. Getting a good grade A miraculously when the odds stays with me.

Going to my dad's factory during holiday. To spize things up for the workers which until today some of them who are still working there would tell me "do you remember that you always sing and like to draw us when you were small" when I go back for a visit.

Then again my childhood was pretty much the same like everyone. Just daily life, things that most 10 years old remember. Having fun and being in the company of their family.

One that I call the ULTIMATE memory of me before 10 was:

Us - siblings join hands to hid my mum's cane. In hope that she will forgo her persuit for us when we really needed disciplining. God knows how well she runs after us.

I, proudly climbing up top of my cabinet (prolly 1.7M high) hiding in an attempt to hear "I cannot find you" during hide and seek. Which I have kept it my best hiding spot till now because I would quietly climb down and approach them instead of letting them find me. Just to make sure that spot is mine.

Nothing significant to teach me "moral of the story is" rather than life before 10 was what family is all about. Being together, having fun.

Then over night, I said hello to a new country and a new language. When we talk about new country, it's unlike us going for a holiday.

It is different.

I have been to Singapore from when I was one. For family visits and holiday of course. But as soon as my mother starts enrolling me to language classes, buying study table and everything needed for me to settle down. I started to understand what "going to Singapore" really meant.

Living in a new country is not as easy as saying "hello" and everything falls in place. It goes beyond learning its people, its culture, its color and its language. More than that for me, I had to quickly learn to be independent because they say I am a Jie Jie (elder sister), I had to learn languages, I had to adapt to life of taking the public transport and looking out for my brother. I couldn't quite remember how we manage to share the same room for years when we fight more than Tom and Jerry.

The ordeal of living in Singapore was simply translated to me by my childlike understanding that I am going to start living here. Understanding that however did not mean I understooded fully what it means by "living here".

My mum spend almost six months in Singapore. During where everything isn't that bad. Everything is well, everything is settled. Until when I had to say my farewell to her returning back home. Leaving me and my brother with our grandmother whom we met a few days every once a year.

And so my life before 10. Took its full stop and started me on a journey to life after 10 with a full speed engine I don't quite understand. Grinding me to understand the meaning of "living here" at a very young age.

I had to go to language school everyday to prepare myself for undertaking the school's entrance exam. My brother and I were the youngest student in our language school being the next youngest was a girl from Thailand 16 years of age. So perhaps its because of our age, people are paying more attention to us. Or maybe I can say that they are matured enough to treat us kind as we are much younger than them.

We had to learn taking the public transport but not until months later. At the beginning, our grandmother would drive us and pick us up from the language center. The only thing that we have to learn is to start going to the food court and buy lunch to feed ourselves. How did my brother even able to queue in line and order his hamburger when he was much younger. All in all, we had to learn to take care of ourselves whether we like it or not.

The day we said farewell to our mother was the day "Living here" starts to sink in. I cried myself to sleep under the blanket for a few nights. I am sure my brother heard me but it can't helped because we share the same room. I don't know how my brother cope with it. I never asked but maybe perhaps he did too.

"Living here" meant we are all alone. It also simply meant to me :

I don't cry to avoid classes because noone will entertain me. It has became a responsibility to do so.

I settle my own lunch; it doesn't matter if you liked the food. You just have to buy and eat it if you don't want to starve. If you come across something you really liked, you will buy that particular dish or meal for as long as you can. For my brother's case was Burger King while mine was luncheon meat with tofu and rice. We were kids, and we feed ourselves as best as we could. With our standard, as long as we are full - it's healthy.

When fighting with my brother, we had to settle our own fights. Be it throwing things at each other, kicking, pulling or slapping. You do it all till the winner stands tall and the victim cries themselves under their blanket. Is not like our parents are going to stop any of us by pulling us apart. They can't.

When you had nightmares and crying your eyes out. It's just kids and nightmares which often times we don't even know why we ever cry. Then those nights are the ones that I appreciates my aunty for. She wasn't married at that time and was still staying with us. She would come to the room hearing my cries and took me to hers. Accompanying me and trying to soothe me back to sleep upon my continuous wailing for my mum. I honestly did not recall any nightmares back home but I had them since I started "living here".

The saying that goes "it's just a phone call away" is not as wonderful as they described it to be. What can a phone call do? Hello? But still, our mum calls us every night to say good night. When she called, I don't recall telling her we fought or we cried. At the very least, we rarely made her worry. All she ever knew was that all is good. As kids are easy to please, we were really happy just receiving a call.

Perhaps even as a child subconsciously we bear a subtle understanding of grasping the whole sutiation. Whether we like it or not. Subconsciously I know not to let my parents worry. Subconsciously life after 10 meant I grew up faster than many of them who were my age. But growing up teaches alot emotions and some were difficult to comprehend and understand.

It started at after 10 and took many more nights before learning that each and every happenings in life is somewhat...

Not understandable.

Not explainable.

Yet perhaps it is what it is. Accepting and adapting. Learning and Growing.

Living here at 10 opens up to me a whole world of new matrix that I as a child has to learn to master on my own.