What Do You Say?

Phase 1

I find life is grey.

And love is the colour.

From then on I keep on painting.

Colouring my dull life with every colour I find.

Seeking for the brightest colour.

My heart skips a beat and I assume it’s love.

I’m feeling breathless and I assume it’s love.

My heartbeat is rising and I assume it’s love.

I always assume it’s love.

And it’s just assumption.

I keep loving despite pains.

Perhaps that’s my way of coping with loneliness.

That’s my silver light of hope.

Hope that one day I feel lonely no more.

It’s easier to love than being loved.

I don’t need permission.

I can do anything.

I can be happy on my own and don’t expect anything in return.

Nothing can take the pleasure of loving from me.

Just like nothing can force anyone to love me.

I love the love itself.

It’s a pure feeling derived from heaven.

I won’t let my demon defiles its purity.

Love,

Pride,

Ego.

Well, love is never alone.

It has so many more company that leave me feel lonely.

Just like trick or treat.

I wish it would be that fun.

That easy and simple.

To decide the choices of the heart.

I keep considering between loving or being loved.

I’m forgetting they can’t survive without each other.

Only time can tell us the answer.

So let’s not be too stubborn, wether in love or not in love.

It’s easier to run away from reality.

Until I realise, reality is always by my side.

That we are on our own.

I’m not saying I’m fine by myself.

I just wanna be fine without anyone else.

People assume love as the answer of every problems.

It’s the greatest illusion.

And the biggest deceit humankind believe in.

How do you know they’re the one?

You just know, they said.

How do you know it’s love?

You just know, they said.

And it’s still what they said.

I thought they could give me the answers.

That’s my mistake.

I read stories about love.

I listen to people talk about love.

I ask sages about love.

Too busy to listen to my heart about what it says about love.

No one masters love.

Yet everyone teach love.

So, I’ll just learn my love.

Trying to master mine.

Note:

You can listen to my podcast if you want to know more about this book.

You can check my channels here:

And follow my twitter and instagram @egapersona

Phase 2 Part 1

I don’t know how to set the safety net.

I don’t know how to open the parachute.

I don’t even know how to brake.

So when I fall for you, I fall hard.

I always give my all.

Life must have a plan for us to meet.

Among so many other beings you are all I can see.

For me you are the one and only.

That’s all I can think of.

The day you caught my eyes is the day the magic begun.

I see wonders in everything you do.

A spell burnt into my soul in everything you say.

I can’t walk away.

You are the brightest light I see.

So I desire you.

I believe you’d complete me.

Be my guiding star

for the rest of my life.

I find courage in loving you.

I feel I can make my dreams come true.

Turn everything into mine and make you stay with me.

With the courage of loving you.

I change myself for the better because of you.

You make me a better self, I can’t do it without you, I say.

And the attachment starts.

“Kiss me,” I said.

“Love me just half as much as I love you.”

All I get is your smile.

No answer nor promise.

But that’s enough for me to believe in my own wish.

You’re not playing me.

I believe it so much because I can’t stand it if I judged you wrongly.

So I stay.

Loving you becomes my obsession.

Slowly but surely, you become my obsession.

While I become lost in my obsession.

Your kiss.

Your touch.

Your heart.

I want to have it all.

I want all of you for myself.

They say I’m ignoring reality for loving you foolishly.

They don’t understand that it’s my heart in charge.

They say we won’t happen, but I’m just being stubborn.

I feel like I have nothing left, if I can’t even hang onto this hope.

I know everything about you.

At least more than I know myself.

So I imitate you to stay with you.

Another mask I unconsciously wear.

You love. You don’t love.

I realise I have no say in it.

You too don’t have a say for me.

So let me love you a while longer.

I taste the bitterness of love because of you.

The bitterness of loving someone who’s in love with someone else.

I know it so well when I keep hoping I’d be that someone.

Jealousy is an ugly word.

You teach me that word.

Among the other words, that’s the one word you teach me best.

I don’t wanna be jealous.

It’s ugly.

Yet I really hate thinking about you and her.

You still don’t get it.

Even if I don’t get jealous, it’s still hurt no less.

Loving you is sweet at the first bite.

And the second.

And the third.

And so on.

Till it’s gone and leave a bitter aftertaste.

You appear like spring breeze.

Then set my heart on fire on summer.

You leave me hanging on autumn.

And froze my heart on winter.

Note:

You can listen to my podcast if you want to know more about this book.

You can check my channels here:

And follow my twitter and instagram @egapersona

Phase 2 Part 2

My heart said you’re the one.

It lied.

Or did I lie to my heart?

It’s hard to let you go.

It’s harder to move on.

Because deep down I know the choices are in my hand.

And that’s scary.

If we meet years from now,

will I fall again,

will I feel regret,

will I find closure?

If I stop falling in love, would I be free from this pain?

If I let you go, would I be free from regret?

If I moved on, would I be able to forget you?

Among all questions in my mind, I just know I’ll never question our meeting.

I feel that we’re connected, or do I lie to myself?

I feel that we’re meant to be, or is it another lie?

I feel we can conquer the world, and perhaps everything’s a lie.

Cause I never want the world.

What’s scary is not you not loving me back.

It’s the what-ifs I can’t stop thinking about.

Loving you is enough.

I’ll love you till the end of time.

I’ll swim across the sea of pains fighting for that love.

But that kind of love is fated to die.

I never fear that you don’t love me.

I find it normal.

I just fear that I don’t really love you and waste my all to this fake love.

Never knowing what real love really is.

I love you so much I close my heart for others.

That’s my blind loyalty.

That’s my foolish loyalty.

And now I pay the price.

Now I know, the borderline of love and obsession is where I start to close my eyes to everything else but you.

I prepared myself about the pain you’d cause.

The hurt from a broken heart.

I just never prepared myself to be loved by you.

That’s where it started going wrong.

My heart beats for you before it beats for me.

My tears cry for you before they cry for me.

My smile blooms for you before it blooms for me.

That’s how I know we’ll never work.

You show me a possibility.

A dream that will complete me.

But that’s the thing,

you’re never my reality.

I didn’t ask for your love.

I only asked if we’re really meant to be.

I guess the question is wrong from the beginning.

I keep getting further from you.

That’s my choice.

That’s me getting my free will back.

Although pain is the price.

I finally learnt a key lesson in love.

We won’t fall in love with anyone else if we’re both in love.

So when I realise we’re not, I can walk out with no regret.

I trip and fall in love but no one catches me.

I have no one to blame if it’s not my love.

So I leave the road to your love.

I’m running away from love by loving you.

I lock myself away from love by loving you.

At some point, I know I can’t keep running away and that’s also when I stop loving you.

I lost myself by loving you.

It’s not worth it so I stop.

Loving for so long to end in a single moment.

It could happen.

Note:

You can listen to my podcast if you want to know more about this book.

You can check my channels here: https://egapersona.tumblr.com/mypersona

And follow my twitter and instagram @egapersona

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