“What did I do?”

Jungkook was laying on his bed, contemplating on this new foreign behaviour from his bandmate. Jimin had been putting more and more distance between them as of lately. Quite frankly, he even seemed rather bothered by Jungkook at times. As his act around Jungkook became colder and colder, Jungkook’s confusion amplified. But Jungkook wasn’t just puzzled by Jimin’s sudden change of persona, his own reaction to it also felt like a big riddle. He couldn’t understand why this was bothering him so much, when he should be feeling relieved. Wasn’t this what he had wanted from him? Some space. 

That being because, prior to this, Jimin was always invading Jungkook’s personal space and saying embarrassing things. He would constantly make him flustered with his over-the-top compliments and praise. He would even go as far on radio/TV shows, as to say that he wants to go on a trip or date with Jungkook, holding hands and what not. One time, he had even asked Jungkook “Why do I like you so much?” in a vlog.  

During those times, Jungkook couldn’t understand Jimin at all. Why would he say things like that? Why was he acting so strangely around him? He wished that he would just stop. But now that he finally did, Jungkook wasn’t happy at all. Instead of celebrating, he was keeping himself up late at night, trying to figure out the situation. Trying to find an answer to this bizarre new reality. He had to know why it was happening, and he had to fix it. He couldn’t stand Jimin being mad at him. He missed him. He missed his company and his attention. 

But why? This confused him even more than Jimin’s behaviour. Why in the world did he miss what he had always tried to escape? 

"Eh, whatever. What point is there in thinking about that? I just need to make him stop being mad at me. Then everything will be fine.” 

***

“Jimin! Good morning!” Jungkook exclaimed brightly as he entered the room with a friendly smile.

Jimin looked at him questionably. “You really won’t call me hyung huh?” he said, and rolled his eyes in annoyance. 

Jungkook felt like he had gotten shot with an icy arrow. Damn, Jimin really wasn’t having it.

“S-sorry hyung. Did you sleep well?”

“Whatever.” Jimin took his bowl of cereal with him to the living room, and turned on the TV. 

Soon, the other members started rolling in one by one to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Some of them followed the noise from the TV and joined Jimin on the couch. Jungkook could hear them talking and laughing in the distance. This led him to the conclusion that Jimin wasn’t just being morning-grumpy. He specifically didn’t want to talk to Jungkook. Jungkook sighed and thought to himself that he’ll just have to try harder. He was too afraid to ask Jimin about this, so this was his only way to handle it.

And so he tried his very best for a week or so to start conversations with Jimin. Although he did his best, even complimenting Jimin often, he kept getting shot down. Jimin would always manage to keep the conversation short, or start talking with someone else in the room. He didn’t show the slightest ounce of interest in what Jungkook had to say. Their longest conversations were purely work-related. 

After some time, Jungkook realized that simply trying to talk wasn’t going to cut it. Something else had to be done. That’s when he started doing something he had never done before; initiating skinship. “He can’t ignore this!” he thought every time he was about to touch Jimin in some way. Whether it was giving him a pat, messing with his hair, or playfully hitting him, Jungkook tried it all. Most of the times, Jimin seemed unfazed, as if he didn’t even notice. But since he wasn’t pushing him away, Jungkook took that as a small victory. 

“Yes! If he’s like this then he can’t totally hate me right? He’ll start talking to me soon again right?”   Jungkook was feeling hopeful and more daring. 

Feeling so confident one day, during an MV shoot, he was brave enough to give Jimin a back hug out of the blue. While Jungkook’s face looked sweet and content while he was latching onto Jimin’s body, Jimin was not looking as glad.

“What scene are we?” he asked in an indifferent, almost demeaning, way. As if they would never interact outside of work. As if they weren’t even friends.

Jungkook instantly lifted his head away from Jimin’s shoulder in surprise. and said: “The back hug scene!” in an attempt to ease him up. 

“Crazy bastard…” Jimin whispered under his breath and walked away, leaving an awkward atmosphere for Jungkook and the cameraman who had been filming them.

“Don’t worry, we’ll cut that last part out!” the cameraman assured him and chuckled awkwardly.

“What? Oh, yeah thanks…” Jungkook replied soullessly and left the spot. He found a fairly isolated place in the corner of the dark set, where he could be on standby. Sitting there, his thoughts were running wild. “Damn it! Things were going so well. Did I overdo it? Was it too soon? Ugh what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me anymore, why?!”

Jungkook felt like something was tugging his chest. He felt so hurt. He never thought that Jimin could make him feel this way. Jimin had always been there for him, through thick and thin. He had always listened to his troubles, and cheered him on. Always believed in him, and made him believe in himself too. Jimin used to make him feel so reassured whenever things seemed dark. In a way, he felt like home to him. Even though Jungkook was often overwhelmed by Jimin’s affections, his never-ending support had also been a big source of strength for him. Without Jimin, Jungkook felt a little lost. Like something was missing. 

Of course, his other members also cared for him, and were always ready to listen and help if he needed it. But sometimes, he didn’t need just anyone to talk to. He needed Jimin. There was something different about him. No one else could take his place. And it wasn’t just about that, he simply missed him in general too. He missed hanging out with him, he missed his quirks, his facial expressions, his voice...

“Okay everybody, places!” the director shouted and interrupted Jungkook’s train of thought. Well, the show must go on. His personal matters had to wait. 

Finally! Ugh, what a long day. I hope the MV turns out well now.” Jimin was enjoying the relief of getting into bed. It was soft, warm, and comforting. One of the best feelings in the world after a long day. 

As he was laying there all nice and snug, about to drift off to sleep, an irking thought came across his mind: Jungkook. His eyes sprung right open. 

“Ah that little…”  He sighed. “What’s the matter with him?” Just what was that today? A back hug? From the Jeon Jungkook? Doesn’t make any sense. Why would he do that? Making things difficult for me for no good reason…” 

Jimin was getting more and more frustrated the more he thought about it. Here he was trying his best to avoid Jungkook, and forget about his feelings for him. After all these years, he had finally mustered up the courage to make this difficult decision. Tired of chasing Jungkook without getting any reciprocation, he felt like a fool. It hurt his pride, and it could definitely hurt their careers if anyone found out. He had already said and done too much in front of the cameras.

Therefore, he had decided that it was in everyone’s best interest (including himself) to just let it go. He couldn’t mess up everything they had worked so hard for. His silly crush wasn’t as important as that. Especially not if it wasn’t even mutual.

So what’s with the sudden change of attitude from Jungkook, he wondered. “Now that I’ve decided to stay away, he keeps trying to get closer. What gives? Is this some sort of weird phase or something? Or is he just messing with me?  

He’s messing with me, isn’t he? He knows how I feel about him, so he’s decided to mess with me for kicks. How could he not know? I mean, I’ve been so damn obvious. But is he really doing this to be mean to me? Would he really do something like that? Ugh I don’t know!”

Jimin started kicking the air under his covers, and a distressed “aish!” left his mouth. 

“Hey, what are you doing? You okay?” J-Hope asked him from his bed. 

“Ah nothing hyung, sorry. I’m fine.”

“Okay, let me know if there’s something you need to talk about.” J-Hope said with a drowsy voice.

“Yeah, thanks…” 

And with that, Jimin decided that he wouldn’t think about this anymore right now. He didn’t want to wake poor J-hope up again. It was best to just get some rest. 

***

A few days had passed since the MV shoot, and Jungkook hadn’t tried to interact with Jimin at all during this time. He felt too beaten down by what had happened at the set, that he didn’t dare to pull something like that again. He couldn’t even talk to him anymore. All he could do was to steal glances whenever Jimin wasn’t looking. Sometimes, he could stare at him for a longer period of time, like he was trying to read his mind. But of course, that got him nowhere.

Luckily, the two got paired up for a dance performance of the song “Coming of Age Ceremony”, for the annual BTS festa. Although Jungkook was initially nervous about it, considering their current state, he eventually saw it as a good opportunity to reconcile. And after a couple of sessions together with their choreographer, they were ready to practice by themselves. 

“Hyung, do you get this part? I still can’t get it right.”

“Huh? Oh this part? You have to go like this with your arm.”

Jimin showed him how to do the dance move, in a very patient and professional manner. Jungkook knew he couldn’t ignore his questions in this situation, so he took advantage of that, and tried to talk to him as much as possible.

“Hyung, hyung, what about this part? With the butts in the air, doesn’t it look too funny?”

“What do you mean it looks funny? This is supposed to be a se-... a mature dance.”

“You really don’t think it’s funny? Look, look at this and tell me this doesn’t look funny.”

Jungkook proceeded to imitate the dance move in the most overdone way ever, making Jimin laugh.

“Okay, okay, you’re right! It does look pretty ridiculous.” Jimin said, looking more relaxed and friendly than Jungkook had seen him in a long time. Seeing this, Jungkook felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “Finally”.

“Right?” Oh and this thing too!”

The two of them had fun discussing and helping each other with certain moves, and even reminiscing about some old memories. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Everything was good again.

Eventually, after going at it for some time, they decided to do the whole routine one more time and wrap it up for the day. This time, they completely immersed themselves in the moment. There was just them and the music there now. Since the song and the choreo was heavily sexual, and they weren’t talking and goofing off any more, the mood changed. The tension-filled lyrics and even the beats, were getting to them. It was hard to stay focused on their own image in the huge mirror walls. Soon enough, both of them started taking more and more peaks at the other instead. Jungkook didn’t even realize that he was doing it, but Jimin was painfully aware of his own actions. 

When they had finished, both of them were standing next to each other, whilst dripping in sweat. They were so exhausted that they had to lay down on the spot. Laying there, looking up at the ceiling and trying to catch their breath, they were a bit out of it. But after a couple of seconds, Jungkook turned to Jimin, who would soon notice this and do the same. Jungkook didn’t say anything though, he just looked at his older member, while the sensual song was still playing loudly.

Something about Jimin in this moment made Jungkook’s heart flutter. “Was he always this good-looking?” he wondered. 

Suddenly, Jimin sprung up like a feather. “I gotta leave, I uh, forgot about something.” he said, and left so fast that one could think he was being chased by wolves. Leaving Jungkook completely bewildered. “What just happened?”

Jimin was rushing to the bathroom with a palpitating heart, thinking several thoughts at once. 

"Shit. That was close, that was so close! How did this happen? What would have happened if I didn’t leave? Why was he... Aaah what the hell is happening!?”

Jimin felt all disoriented. Once he got into the bathroom, he splashed his face with ice cold water twice. He placed his hands on the sink countertop and looked up at himself in the mirror, exhaling slowly. He saw water droplets running down his face and was reminded of the sweat he had seen trickling down Jungkook’s face, just minutes ago. He had looked so beautiful, laying there next to him. Looking into his eyes. It was enough to drive anyone mad, let alone a longing heart. 

"Ugh, what’s wrong with me?! Why can’t I get rid of these goddamn feelings? It’s been years already! I see the guy every day, I know everything about him. I should see him as a sibling, or even be tired of him! But why can’t I… Why?! Damn it!”

A burning tear escaped from each of Jimin’s eyes. He felt like he was going crazy. Was there really no way to stop being in love with Jeon Jungkook? Was he going to end up all alone, as he could only keep Jungkook in his heart? Was this his fate perhaps? 

“Ah someone please help me…”  he cried out in his head and ended up on the floor, sobbing, for a long time.

***

That night, Jungkook had trouble falling asleep. The things he had felt during that dance practice kept pestering him. It was such a strange and unexplainable experience to him. Not like anything he had experienced before.

“There was definitely a weird sensation in my chest when we were laying down… like an itch? Or was it in my stomach? Did I overwork myself? Ah what was that?!

And why did Jimin look so good right then? What am I saying... But why did he leave so quickly? That was so weird... Is he still mad at me after all?

Ugh whatever, I don’t like overthinking too much. Let’s just sleep, sleep is good.”

The next day, Jimin was very quiet. His eyes were bloated and he had dark circles under them. He looked absolutely ghastly, until the makeup artist covered it up later on. But this certainly did not go unnoticed by Jungkook. So he asked him about his condition in the waiting room.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure? You look really worn out. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine! I… I stayed up late last night on my phone. That’s all.”

“Oh, well okay then.” 

“Wow now I even lie well.” Jimin thought. 

But Jimin’s low mood didn’t go away for the following two days, making Jungkook’s worry grow. Something had to be done. He figured if Jimin didn’t want to talk about it, he’d try to cheer him up with his actions instead. He needed to try something at the very least.

So during this day when they were filming at an outdoors location, Jungkook went out of his way to get snacks that Jimin liked, praise him, and try to make him laugh. At one point of filming, the staff decided they should take a short break. Seeing as how Jimin still looked quite down, Jungkook decided to give him a hug. He snuck up behind him, who was sitting down by himself on a rock, and wrapped his arms around his chest. 

“Hey Jimin-ssi! What’s up?” Jungkook said loudly and cheerfully. Jimin turned his head to his right shoulder, where he encountered Jungkook’s face. Startled, he shook him off and got up.

“What the hell?!” he said and glared furiously at Jungkook. “Don’t do that!” he told him and walked away in a haste before Jungkook could even respond.

Jungkook felt like he'd been slapped on the face. Why? What did he do to deserve this? He was so upset that before he knew it, he was running after Jimin, demanding an answer from him. 

Jimin had gone to a place far away from the other members and staff, as far as he could so they wouldn’t see or hear him if he started crying again. That was his biggest fear right then. So when Jungkook caught up to him, his heart skipped a beat.

“What? What do you want?”

“What do I want? What do YOU want from me? I’ve been nothing but nice to you for these past few weeks and all you do is give me the cold shoulder, or get angry at me like this! Why? What did I do wrong?!”

“You... Nothing. You didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh please, you’re gonna play dumb with me now? You’re gonna deny the fact that we’ve barely spoken for ages too? I mean besides the dance practice the other day, you’ve been completely ignoring me! And speaking of that, why did you leave like that? You didn’t really have anything you forgot, did you? You just made that up because…”

“Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about Jungkook. Stop making up theories and just let it go. I’m telling you, it’s nothing.”

“So why did you run off?”

“What?”

“Why did you run off after practice, when we were on the floor?”

“Jungkook stop…”

“No I wanna know, why did you-”

“Because I’m in love with you! There, you happy now? Is this what you wanted? To see me completely humiliate myself in front of you?”

“W-what?”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know, you knew all along didn’t you? That’s why you kept pushing me away like I was the plague. And, what? Now that I’m doing the same to you, you’re upset?!”

Jungkook couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. 

“Do you really have no idea why I left? Did you really not feel anything in that moment?” Jimin’s voice was cracking. He sounded much more broken down now, rather than angry.

“I… I…”

Jungkook was cut off by his and Jimin’s phones ringing at the same time. They both picked up. Their break was long over, and they had to get back to work immediately. Jimin couldn’t do it though, so he had to lie yet again, and tell the crew that he was feeling nauseous and dizzy. He felt bad for leaving early, but he was in no state to work. That part was no lie. 

Jungkook on the other hand knew it would be strange if he left too, so he decided to stick it out and immerse himself in whatever they were doing. Sometimes, that was a good coping mechanism for him. So he let his mind be occupied entirely by those things instead. It wasn’t until the car ride home, when everyone was dozing off, that Jungkook could process what had happened.

“He… likes me?”

Images of Jimin’s pained face were flashing before Jungkook’s eyes. Likewise, Jimin’s voice was echoing in his head.

"Did you really not feel anything in that moment?”

He did feel… something. But he didn’t know what that was. Could it have been love? "Is that what it feels like?”  he wondered. He didn’t know, because he hadn’t been in love before.

“No it can’t be. Of course not... It must have been something else.”

He felt a heaviness in his chest. Everything that had happened was so unfamiliar and scary to him. He also couldn’t get Jimin’s sorrowful eyes out of his head. He felt so lost.

"What am I gonna do?”