Dazai and Chuuya are quiet babies, as Atsushi and Akutagawa quickly learn. They don’t cry much and they keep themselves entertained. They’re particularly fascinated by the latches on their car seats.

“I don’t like your office,” Akutagawa says as he parks the car.

“Yeah, well, we don’t have much of a choice. Here, put this on.”

Akutagawa stares at Dazai’s coat. “Why?”

“Because you’re wearing a sparkly unicorn T-shirt and I know you’d rather die than let anyone else see you in it.”

Akutagawa snatches the coat from Atsushi and gets out of the car to put it on while Atsushi opens the back door to get Dazai out.

“Osamu!” Atsushi cries and Dazai giggles like the little shit he is.

Akutagawa opens the other back door to look at Atsushi across the car. “What happened?”

“He unbuckled himself!”

Akutagawa snickers as he unbuckles Chuuya and lifts him out of the car. “Sounds like him.”

“That’s annoying. We’ll have to duct tape him to the seat if we go anywhere.”

Akutagawa thinks it would be nice to go somewhere, but he doesn’t say so. “Chuuya, stop eating my hair.”

...----------------...

Chuuya does not stop. Akutagawa sighs. Atsushi snickers — until Dazai tries to eat Atsushi’s T-shirt.

“You have got to be joking,” Kunikida says when Atsushi enters the office with Dazai, Akutagawa following with Chuuya.

“I really wish we were,” Atsushi says.

“They’re so cute,” Yosano coos. “Look at his little waistcoat!”

Dazai gurgles happily when Yosano approaches and Atsushi all but dumps him in her arms. Chuuya regards the spectacle with a bored look before turning and trying to shove Akutagawa’s hair in his mouth again.

“Did you call everyone?” Atsushi asks Kunikida, who surprisingly turns slightly pink.

“We all woke up to the sound of ‘what do you mean, they turned into ******* babies’ and decided to tag along.”

Akutagawa snickers at Kyoka’s attempt to sound like Kunikida. Dazai laughs when Kyoka raises her voice and shouts.

“Aren’t you adorable,” Yosano says, tickling his tummy. “Yes, you are!”

“I’m never gonna look at Dazai the same ever again,” Tanizaki says, yawning mid-sentence.

Chuuya looks over at Atsushi and when he realises Atsushi is no longer holding Dazai, he lets go of Akutagawa’s hair to lean towards Atsushi, arms outstretched.

“Good riddance,” Akutagawa mutters as Atsushi takes Chuuya. “Go eat his hair.”

Chuuya doesn’t try to eat Atsushi’s hair. He stares at Atsushi’s face for a moment before he yawns and drops his head on Atsushi’s shoulders.

“Aww,” Kyoka and Kenji say.

Kunikida drags a hand down his face. “Well . . . Did they happen to tell you which way the kid went?”

“Chuuya-nii was too busy yelling at us to get there,” Akutagawa says.

“Hey,” Naomi says from where she’s hanging on to her brother’s arm with her droopy eyes half closed. She yawns before she continues. “How come Dazai got affected too?”

...to be continued....

Atsushi adjusts Chuuya so that they’re both more comfortable before speaking. “Apparently, the kid got Chuuya-nii first and then Osamu-nii chased after her with that wristband you gave them for her.”

“Great,” Yosano says. “So, now we have to hunt her down all over again.”

“It shouldn’t be too difficult,” Ranpo says. “We know what she looks like now. We can find her again.”

“What are we supposed to do in the meantime?” Atsushi asks.

“Return the favour, I guess,” Kyoka says with a shrug, glancing at Kunikida for confirmation.

Kunikida nods. “I guess. The president’s not going to be happy about this.”

“Why?” Akutagawa asks. “Won’t you all get more work done if Osamu-nii isn’t disrupting things like usual?”

Kunikida opens his mouth and then closes it after a moment. Akutagawa watches realisation slowly cross the faces of everyone in the detective agency.

“The good news,” Yosano says as she distracts Dazai with her finger in his face, “is that it looks like you’ll still be able to go to work. Dazai seems fine with us and Chuuya has Atsushi.”

“Right, but remember how Atsushi sounded like someone dropped a brick on his head when Chuuya tried to leave?” Kenji asks. He turns to Akutagawa. “Pretend like you’re leaving.”

Akutagawa happily heads for the door, only to be stopped when he opens it by an angry screech from Dazai. When he turns back, Dazai is trying to climb Yosano and glaring daggers at Akutagawa. He relaxes when Akutagawa sighs and closes the door again.

“Maybe not,” Yosano says, wincing as Dazai accidentally pulls on her hair.

“I don't like your office,” Akutagawa whines, sticking his hands in the pockets of Dazai’s coat as Atsushi continues speaking to his coworkers.

His hand brushes a crumpled note. He glances around to see that everyone is either talking to Atsushi and Kunikida, or cooing over Dazai — Naomi is sleeping where she stands — before pulling the paper out and opening it to Dazai’s handwriting.

Chuuya’s too busy panicking so I figured I’d tell you that you two can sleep in Chuuya’s room until this whole thing is fixed. Don’t worry, the sheets are clean.

Akutagawa rolls his eyes at the little winky face Dazai had drawn.

P.S. take care of my coat

“You okay?” Atsushi asks and Akutagawa looks up to find Atsushi watching him.

He raises the note, half folded so the writing is hidden. “Permission to sleep in their room for now, complete with a dirty joke and everything.”

...----------------...

Kyoka gags and Yosano gasps. “Called it!”

Atsushi huffs as Dazai finally gives up and stays laying down in the crib. Chuuya is already asleep. “This is some kind of evil payback, I’m sure of it.”

Akutagawa is laying on the floor, where he’s been ever since Dazai kicked him in the face with a surprising degree of power. “I want to go to sleep and wake up with them normal again. I prefer Osamu-nii’s wretched teasing over this.”

Atsushi yawns. “I’m taking tomorrow off. There’s not a chance in hell I’m going to be awake enough to work.”

Akutagawa grumbles something that sounds like agreement.

“Come on,” Atsushi says, grabbing Akutagawa’s hands and weakly trying to pull him to his feet. “Bedtime for us, too.”

“Carry me,” Akutagawa grumbles. “I’ve been kicked in the face.”

“By a baby, Ryuu. Get up.”

“You get kicked in the face and then tell me to get up.”

“I’d rather not.”

Akutagawa yelps when Atsushi lifts him off the ground and throws him over his shoulder. “Not like this!”

...to be continued....

“You didn’t specify how,” Atsushi says smugly as they leave the nursery. Akutagawa hits the light switch as they pass through the doorway.

Atsushi snickers when he tosses Akutagawa down on the bed in Chuuya’s room and receives several jumbled death threats.

“You’re tired, Ryuu. Go to sleep.” Atsushi pauses as he reaches out for the light switch. “And take that coat off before you rip the seams in the middle of the night.”

“I’m not the one that thrashes like a wild animal,” Akutagawa grumbles, sitting up to shrug the tan coat off his shoulders in the dark.

Atsushi takes the coat from him and folds it halfway, hanging it over the chair in front of Chuuya’s vanity. He turns back and stares at Akutagawa. “You can get into bed, you know. The sheets won’t bite you.”

Akutagawa shudders. “They had s3x in here.”

“Mm, I really don’t think you should be as worried about that as the fact that they’ve probably had s3x on our couch too.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to bring that up!”

“I’m just saying. At least the sheets get washed.”

“Shut up!”

Atsushi snickers as Akutagawa shuffles under the covers and sticks his head under the pillow, grumbling muffled words into the mattress. “You’re so cute.”

“Fvck off! I’m going to throw up!”

“Please don’t. I’m not keen on washing vomit out of the bedsheets.”

“I hate you,” Akutagawa snaps, but he doesn’t complain as Atsushi lifts the pillow off his head to grin at him. “Go away.”

“I believe you said you didn’t want me to.”

“I said I didn’t want you to leave. I am perfectly fine with banishing you to the couch.”

“Ha! As if you remember how to fall asleep alone.”

“Shut up,” Akutagawa mutters, with significantly less bite.

“C’mere.”

Akutagawa complies, sighing softly as Atsushi wraps his arms around him and kisses his shoulder. “You are unfairly calming.”

“Sorry,” Atsushi says. There is a blissful moment of silence before he speaks again. “What did that note actually say? You didn’t look like it was just a s3x joke.”

“I mean . . . the s3x joke was there.”

“But?”

“But . . . he also told me to take care of his coat.”

Atsushi smiles. “That’s cute. He left it for you.”

“Don’t say it like that. I’m sure he just means while he’s little.”

“We’ll see when the ability wears off.”

“Mm. I suppose.”

Atsushi sits up suddenly, jostling Akutagawa and pulling forth indistinguishable death threats. “I’ve just had the greatest idea ever.”

“Congratulations. Can we go the **** to sleep, now?”

“Yes, yes, sorry.”

Akutagawa hums happily when Atsushi’s arm slips under his head again.

...----------------...

Gin wakes up in the middle of her bed as morning begins to turn to afternoon and yawns. She edges away from Hirotsu, who is courteously keeping to the edge of the bed, and faces Tachihara, who is starfished over half the bed and snoring lightly. She kicks him off the bed.

“Hey, ow!”

...To be continued. ...