January 31st, 2014

Dear new boy,

God, I first saw you as I was walking to the convenience store the other day. You were sitting in the park, on the swings, your head low and your silky black hair hanging over your face. I couldn't see you properly, but I knew that you were new here. I knew everyone here, and I did not recognise you. 

Two days later, at school, I saw you yet again. And I swear, my heart had filled to the brim with love and admiration for you. I did not know your name, yet, but I just knew that you were, quote on quote, "the beautiful boy from Busan". 

And they weren't wrong. You were breathtakingly beautiful, I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. But you were really real. Sitting a few seats ahead of me in most of my classes, your back to me. 

I could see your muscles pressed against the thin white fabric of your school shirt, your silky black hair shining in the artificial light of the classroom, your broad shoulders moving up and down ever so slightly at every breath you took. When you did face my way, you were so much more beautiful from the front. Your cherry red lips, your white teeth (that looked like bunny teeth), large dark doe eyes, light tanned skin, gentle slanted jawline, prominent collarbones and neck muscles, black fringe covering your forehead delicately. You looked so pure, so innocent, so perfect. 

The meaning of the word "perfection" should be you in the dictionary. Because that's just how surreal you are. 

And when you spoke to your new classmates, I couldn't find it in me to be mad that you weren't speaking to me, because your voice was soft but firm, with an edge of naivety to it. In other words, your voice was just as beautiful as you. 

I will know your name, and I will get you to notice me. I want to know everything about you, so you can fall in love with me as I have for you. 

I love you. 

Your secret admirer.

February 2nd, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

I found out your name. I overheard your conversation with one of your new friends, and he called you "Jeongguk", so I figured that was your name. I had to be sure though. SO during PE, when you were on the basketball court, working up a delicious sweat in your tight shorts and white polo, I snuck into the locker rooms and rummaged through your bag to find your wallet. 

Jeon Jeongguk

16

September 1st, 1997

Jeongguk, such a pretty name for such a pretty boy. And I'm your hyung! I'm almost two years older than you! It makes me so joyful to know that you are my dongsaeng. 

I had sat back on the side of the court, and you had just been subbed out. You were glistening with sweat, and it was dribbling down your forehead and neck, your ebony hair clinging to your face and neck. Your cheeks were flushed red, and your breath was coming out in heavy pants. You had lifted the hem of your drenched white polo and dabbed at your face with it. I saw your torso, and it was the best thing I had ever seen in my life. 

Your ridges of muscles rippling along your stomach your prominent yet delicate, not bulging but not small. Your pectorals were large and round, your nipples as red as your lips, and your hips were narrowed. I had to swallow thickly as I had raked my eyes across your surreal form. I thought you were perfect before, but now I know that you are just inhuman. No human could look as beautiful as you did. As you do. 

Once you had wiped your face, letting your shirt drop back to conceal your stomach, you raised your dark gaze to meet mine for the first time. I had to close my mouth from it's previous position of hanging slack, forcing a smile to grace my lips. You smiled at me, your cute bunny grin making my heart race. 

"Yo," you had said, jumping up to sit on the stage beside me, leaning back on your strong arms and gazing at the high ceiling. 

You made me so happy--first by just smiling at me, and then actually speaking to me. I conversed with you, and I'd bet you couldn't tell just how much my heart was throbbing with love at the fact that you were speaking to me! I actually, once again, had to pinch myself because I thought I was dreaming. When I told you my name, a fond smile graced your cherry lips, your eyelids lowering slightly as you gazed at the wooden floor. You repeated my name gently, your beautiful smile widening. 

I'd do anything just to hear you call my name like that again. I hope I can hear you call my name like that again. 

I love you, Jeongguk. 

Your secret admirer.

February 9th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk, 

You made me sad today. We made small talk since the first time we conversed, but today you didn't even look at me at all. Instead, all your attention was focused on the tall idiot, Kim Yugyeom. You and him were so close, and he made you laugh. I'm honestly seething. I want to be the only one that can make you laugh. 

So, tell me Jeongguk, what did I do wrong to warrant you ignoring me? All I've done is love you! Why can't you look at me the way you look at him? Why can't I be the one to make you laugh? 

No matter. I will be the one to make you laugh, and I will be the ONLY one to hear your laugh. I love you so much more than Kim Yugyeom ever could. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see the way I longingly stare after you? Why can't you see the effect you have on me after I see you panting and sweating after sport or PE? Why can't you see that you drive my heart crazy with love and my stomach twist in jealousy? 

I love you so much it hurts. 

Other than the fact that you're always with Yugyeom, I now know where you live. In the apartment complex near the park, right? I know because I followed you home. I was curious! Oh! I should go wait by the gate of the park and walk to school with you! Would you like that? Of course you would! I will wait for you tomorrow morning! 

I love you, Jeongguk! xx

Love from your secret admirer.

February 16th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

I've been following you to school for the past week. And following you home. Have you noticed me, yet? I waited for you a week ago to walk with you to school, and you and Kim Yugyeom walked out of the apartment complex together! Did he stay the night? That's what I first thought, but now I know that he in fact lives in the same building as you. It made me angry, seeing you so happy with him. Seeing you smile at him. That smile is for me and me only. 

But during the day, I noticed that you were no longer at school, and Yugyeom was alone. Why was that, I wondered. So, I decided to speak to Yugyeom. 

I had asked him where you were, and he had told me that you had gotten sick and gone home with a fever. I was dying to see you, and desperate to know your apartment number--so I told him I had something of yours I needed to return, and I'd go drop it to you on my way home since I finished early today. He had hesitated but told me your apartment number. How gullible! 

I had left school straight away, running the whole time to see you. My heart was pounding painfully loud in my chest and ears, but it was not from me running. It was the thought of finally seeing you. 

I got to your apartment complex, and went inside. The office was closed so nobody asked me why I was there. The elevator needed a key, so I had taken the stairs. I ran all the way up to the fourth floor, running down the hallway to your door and twisting the doorknob. It was unlocked. It made me very worried, Jeongguk. Why didn't you lock your door? You never know what kind of creeps are running around, just waiting to break into your apartment and steal from you. Or take you. 

I walked inside. It was so neat, it was so you. 

I walked around, just deeply inhaling the air. It smelt nice. I found your hamper in the corner of the small living room, near the bathroom. I walked over to it, and I rummaged through it. It was full of your dirty clothes, and I couldn't help but to press your dirty underwear to my nose and inhale deeply. You smelt so good. So, so good. I wanted to keep these, so I had just stuffed the underwear into my backpack. 

I had walked to your bedroom, and I almost cried. 

There you laid, on your back, arms spread across the messy sheets, your cheeks flushed dark red, sweat dampening your skin, your red lips open wide and panting heavily, your shirt crumpled and riled up so your stomach was open to my eyes. I honestly had popped a serious boner, and I wanted you so bad. I had never wanted anyone so badly in my life. I wanted to **** you so badly. 

I want to hear you beg, scream, cry for more. I want to feel me deep inside of you. I want to feel you clench around me. I want to feel your tears stain your cheeks. I want to hear your breathy moans. I want to hear you scream as you climaxed. ****, I want you so so badly. 

But today was not that day. I snapped a picture of you on my phone, and set it as my wallpaper. I snuck back to the kitchen, where sets of keys were hung up on a key hanger. I took one key, figuring it was a duplicate of your apartment. 

I will be back, my love. I love you, Jeongguk.

Love, your secret admirer.

February 20th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

I saw you today. I watched you through your bathroom window, snapping pictures of you in the bathroom on my phone. I could never get enough of your godly body. Oh, I also went back into your apartment last night whilst you were asleep. I took more photos and took some more of your dirty clothes.

I'm addicted to you. So, so addicted to you. You're like my drug. I just want you so much. Why do you never notice me? All I want is for you to love me, and yet all I get is your ignorance.

And your betrayal. You just spend all your time with Kim Yugyeom.

I saw you stand on your toes to peck him on the lips. Do you love him, Kookie?

What does he have that I don't? I'm tall, too! Perhaps not as tall as him, but I'm still a centimetre or two taller than you! And plus, he's not even that good-looking. My smile is so much more beautiful than his, and my smile belongs to you.

And you belong to me. I will have you in my arms, sooner or later.

Forever yours,

Your secret admirer.

February 28th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

Happy one month, Kookie! It's been one month since I fell in love with you! How should I celebrate this? Oh! I know! I'll send you these letters!

Hm, no, not yet. Oh maybe I'll send you some flowers! Yes! Flowers! I'll give you roses and some love letters with cheesy poems. I'm sure you'll love them!

I mean, you've seemed down lately, and I want to know why. I went to talk to you and inquire about it. You kind of seemed distant and hesitant to talk to me. I asked where Yugyeom was, and to this, you had shrugged, tears glistening in your huge doe eyes.

Your lower lip was trembling, and you shook your head. Your black hair swished around your face, the sparkling tears finally falling. It hurt to see you so sad, so I had dragged you from the classroom and to a bathroom. It was empty, thank god, and you had finally cracked, latching onto me and burying your face into my chest.

Your shoulders trembled with each choked sob, and it physically pained me to hear you and see you in this state. You finally began to whisper words. They were incomprehensible, but I could make them out.

Yugyeom was reported missing a couple of days ago and it was hurting you so much to not have him by your side. You told me your father was fighting with you to get you to move back in with them, but you refused since he never treated you very well to begin with.

I had rubbed your back soothingly, lowering myself down to the tiles because I could feel your knees wobbling. You collapsed into me, your sobs now soft hiccups. I had shushed you and whispered soft nothings in your ears.

It made me so so happy to have you finally in my arms. Who knew all it took was taking Yugyeom away from you?

You're mine now.

Love, your secret admirer.

March 6th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

I hid the roses and love poems in your locker. When you opened it up, they had fallen out over you. You read the poems, and you laughed. I mentally fist-pumped the air. It worked!

But you were still miserable. But you still came to me. You came and sat with me at lunch, leant your head on my shoulder and fell asleep. I took another photo of you. You just looked so peaceful—but I could tell you weren't getting a lot of sleep.

You had heavy grey bags sagging below your large eyes, and your skin was much paler than usual. I had trailed my fingertips across your cheek and sighed, shaking you awake. I had suggested I take you home, since you looked sickly. You agreed, and we got permission to leave.

When we got to your apartment, I got you into your bed, and smiled at you to calm you down. Before I could leave you to sleep, you had reached out and grabbed my wrist, halting me in my tracks.

"Don't go," you had whispered, your voice shaky. "I-I'm scared."

I had looked at you in confusion, but climbed into your bed with you nonetheless. You clung to me like a child, your face burying itself into my chest. I was hoping you couldn't hear my heart, because I was so ecstatic to be so close to you.

I could feel your heat, I could feel you against me. It took everything in me to not trail my hands down your sides and feel your beautiful body. I had carded my fingers through your hair and your even breath told me you were drifting off.

"Thank you for being such a good friend."

I think my heart stopped at that moment.

Friend? I don't think so.

I love you, Jeongguk. I love you. A friend wouldn't do this. Why won't you realise this?! I love you. I love you. I love you. You're mine. Only mine.

Your secret admirer.

March 13th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

Yugyeom is slowly fading. Physically, and from your mind. I stabbed him in the stomach this afternoon, and decided to leave the knife in this time. He was crying, too weak to pull against the ropes holding his limp body up.

He was such a pitiful being. If he really loved you, he would have fought for you. But he was weak and I guess he found that out the hard way.

I left him, cursing at me as I shut and locked the basement door. I had to think for a bit. What should I do now? You plagued my thoughts 24/7, so much so, little to nothing else mattered to me anymore.

I walked upstairs to my bedroom, and rummaged through my drawers for my stash of photographs of you. I got them all printed out, so I could stare at them as I masturbated to you.

My favourite picture was the first one I took of you—one of you in your bed, feverish and unconscious. Your red cheeks and disheveled clothes looked like you had just had the best sex of your life. And it was me who had fucked you into oblivion in my fantasies.

I also had a collection of things of yours. Like apple cores, chewed gum, used tissues (I found some tissues in your bin in your bedroom with your *** in them. I had hit the jackpot!), your dirty laundry, etc.

This just shows my love and devotion to you, my love.

But I was thinking, how do I keep a close eye on you? What if another man like Yugyeom takes an interest in you and takes you away from me?

I had an epiphany once I had finished jacking off to my favourite photograph of you.

I'll just move into your apartment.

Your secret admirer.

March 20th, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

You haven't noticed me living in your apartment yet, have you? If you have, you're excellent at acting oblivious to it.

I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your lover. That's why I'm watching you so closely.

At school, you seemed paranoid, so I pulled you to the side and asked you what was wrong. You once again looked on the verge of a breakdown, your fingers picking at each other and your hands trembling.

You told me you were scared. You had a feeling someone was stalking you.

I was livid. Someone had the audacity to follow you? You were mine—how dare they stalk such a beautiful boy like you?

What if this man takes you away from me? You know what?

I'm going to give all my letters and treasures of you to you. I want you to finally notice my love for you.

So today, I went to my house. I went to the basement, and took one last photo of a barely-alive Yugyeom before I pulled the knife from his torso and slitting his throat. I took another photo, and wandered upstairs to print off these photos.

I placed all the letters into a package, including my precious photographs of you, and my treasures of you. I was going to leave this package in your bedroom, and I'll wait for you.

I'll write one last letter to go into the package. I'll be sure to date the letters so you can read them in chronological order.

I love you Jeon Jeongguk.

Your secret admirer.

March 21st, 2014

Dear Jeongguk,

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I'll be waiting for you. I'm in your wardrobe.

Love from Kim Taehyung ♡