"GO AWAY , JUST DIE"

"YOU'RE A GHOST!!"

"YOU'RE SCARY"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN LIVE?"

"LEAVE US"

These words.............

I've been pretty used to it since I was child ,

everybody was scared of me, constantly being cursed and being called unfortunate,

these became nightmares to me but eventually now I'm pretty used to it since the last time I had a nightmare was two years ago

I'm Amanda ,I was a normal child before but things got worse when I was abused by my own father which serially lead me into a mental disorder ,DID or multiple identify disorder

I have four people living inside me. Well that would answer your questions to why I'm insulted . It's like being possessed ... sometimes I'm a different person and sometimes I'm someone else .My parents abandoned me because they were so-called "scared of me" and my mom never knew about the deeds her "husband"did to me .They left me in an orphanage and everybody loved me....duh, kidding....they were freaking scared of me ,they kept their distance and made me more lonely,so I would like to thank them for their great support (note that sarcasm), I started going to school and if you're wondering where I got the money from ? I work my butt off with four part time jobs everyday because I don't want to live on that hell anymore so I collected money but it wasn't easy ,I was always accused, they made fun of me, made false assumption,they rumoured false things and I have been kicked from 34 jobs . I never had friends...the one who supports you and be there with you ...the one you make fun of but still love and care ,the one who stands with you ....at first I was very troubled which made me have nightmares, I kept remembering stuffs , being sextually abused , being cursed, being humiliated, being insecure , being insulted, people being scared of me , pushing me away ,rumouring false things, laughing at me, hating me,my own parents abandoning me , sometimes I thought I should give up,the half of me wanted to die ,to make me erase all the pain away but I listened to the other half ..the one who wanted to stay strong,the one who wanted to continue living and the one who wanted to love myself...I started loving myself day by day,I wanted to life for myself and the voices inside me consulted me ,told me that they are always here so I started believing them and listened to them since they were the only ones left and keeps me sane right now. since I collected some money ,I left the orphanage and I already looked for an apartment.I just hope everything works out and I'll be joining a university from tomorrow which means I need to stay away from everyone ,just get myself a last bench and keep my mouth shut

#lonely life

And I need to mentally prepare myself because I'm getting lots and lots of hate tomorrow.I just hope I don't get noticed by anyone 😔😔

*Notice ?huh!!!

CONGRATULATIONS..........

I just woke up late and here I am in the middle of the class and the professor scolding me ,I can feel all the states on me even though I'm keeping my head low*.

"First day and you're already getting scolded"

Chloe spoke, remember when I told you about the voices, she's one of them ,she's 16 and full of energy

"What the hell is wrong with this professor , you're not in school anymore "this time it was Brenden , he's 22,the same age as me but he's more like the angry type , someone who can easily get annoyed.

"You should have woke up earlier"it's the granny Michelle ,she's 62 ,she naggs a hell lot .Before the other one spoke.I interrupted

"***can you shut up for god's sake*!!"

"WOOH............"

"HAHAHAHAHA"

"HAHAHHAH**"

I suddenly hear the screams and laughs , don't tell me .........**DID I SAY THAT LOUD??

**** my life**.....

*I slowly lifted my head to see the professor... freaking red and glaring directly into my eyes . I'm officially dead . Goodbye world, that's my last word :(

I don't know what to do so I slowly gave him an awkward smile.......

oops, I made a mistake

he's more angry.......

can I run away*??

"Is this how you treat your teacher and blah blah blah.........................................................................Go take a seat" *the professor said

I wasn't even listening to him .I was in my own world , I looked up to the students in class every one was busy with their own things...some with phones....some talking to their friends but suddenly something captured my eyes ....the last seat ....

HAZEL EYES........I didn't even realize I have been staring at him....I wonder why he was sitting alone .....I was having a moment until the professor decided to destroy it*.

"TAKE A SEAT I SAID" *hitting me back to reality...I quickly sat next to a girl and here I thought I was going to stay alone....

The professor had successfully wasted his time scolded me which resulted with the ring signaling us to the other subject .As soon as the professor left,I hurriedly grabbed my stuffs so I could find myself a place more lonely and alone because I have already gained too much attention and I don't want it anymore but as soon as I stood up the girl near me grabbed my arm .I looked at her frowning,she slightly smiled at me*

"You were really cool earlier, my name is Andrea" *with a soft voice and I'm really not used to it and that's weird because it's been ages since somebody talked gently to me without cursing or insulting.... Should I introduce myself too??

how hard could it be right!! it's just introduction..

"I'm ..............I'm .............m..............I................."

Hah!!!!easy my ***, I can't even speak ,it's like my tongue is tied

I can clearly see her shocked face..... GREAT!!

I kept staring at her when she suddenly burst out laughing ........ok this is real weird....tf*???

"You're so funny"she said between her laughs

"So M....I...., what's your real name" *she asked wiping her tears at the corner of her eyes because of too much laughing

"I'm Chloe" Chloe spoke..........she .....took over*

"sit here"*Andrea patted the chair next to her in which I sat earlier,I sat there (more like Chloe)

Andrea and Chloe talked the whole class. Getting a friend on the first day might be a significance of a new life but I know where it's gonna lead me .The one talking to her is not me but someone else ,I'm not even gonna remember what we talked about tomorrow.

The first time I'm not getting humiliated, the first time people not giving me weird stares or being scared of me but this is not me and this is why I hate tomorrows because I know tomorrow is gonna be alot different*........

*I sat near the window ,the wind touching my bare skin ,I wondered what happened today ,did Chloe befriend her or scared her? I don't remember anything , Chloe took over my body and when I woke up I was in my bed and it was already dark ,this always makes me feel like I'm not even real ....the one who talk to others are always my personalities ...it's like I'm just a fictional character ....like I'm not even worthy of love and care ....the more I think about it the more it makes me sad .....i just need some fresh air right now .I quickly grabbed my jacket and head out ....just a little blocks away my apartment there's a river and since it's already 1'oclock there will be no one ....I sat near the banks and closed my eyes trying remember what happened today but nothing came up so I just stared at the river Infront of me .As I looked around I saw a dark figure across the river .I wasn't surprised that there was someone beside me but I was sure was surprised when I say those eyes........Hazel eyes............it's him..........

we stared at eachother ,I couldn't help but notice his eyes looked like he was betrayed, the one I feel everyday.

this morning when I saw his eyes they were blank like there is something he's been holding unto.....

I don't know why but I love the feeling when our eyes meet with eachother even if it's only for a second......

His gaze was strong....I felt like he was staring my soul....like he saw through me....his eyes were getting softer ,they hold some kind of warmth . He's far from me but why do I feel like he's holding me, embracing me in his arms ,like he's eyes are trying to say something but I cannot hear .He slowly broke the eye contact and stared at the sky.... there were no stars but only the moon ,I shifted my gaze above .It's beautiful.

I wonder what's in his mind....

**Whenever I look at him ,I cannot help but notice

he looks like sea

so dense,yet beautiful

his hazel eyes,they speak

yet I cannot hear them

he is like an art , a muse

yet tempting....

tempting me to know more

he holds secrets and looks lonely

are they in his mind too,like it's in mine**??

It's funny how everyone's looking at the moon and wondering......

it's weird how a single thing signifies us so much, sometimes we hold pain when we look at it , sometimes happiness and sometimes it's just a mixed feeling

it's beautiful but has scars in it defining the flaws which makes us beautiful and somehow we all managed to be the* MOON CHILD

He last looked at me with a sad smile and left me alone with my thoughts.................

**WHAT REALLY ARE YOU**??