The rain pitter-pattered against the windows as the cold winds escaped through the curtains. The weather was the perfect time to do something fun, especially this evening. I smirked at that thought. Later on, Chai came out of the bathroom. She was wrapped with a bathrobe while wiping her wet hair.

“You smell sweet,” I whispered close to her ears when she lay on top of me. "Are you in the mood tonight?" She giggled.

"It's April ... It's your time already." She was pertaining to our three-month routine wherein one of us will take the pills within three months, and vice versa. Give and take respectively.

“Uh-huh. I already drank, so… ”I grabbed her hips and switched our position in a blink. Now, I’m above her. I grabbed the strap of her robe and slowly pulled it away.

"Come on, let's do it."

"Thought it would take you long enough." She clung her arms to my neck and pushed my head down. Our lips locked with each other as our bare skin touched like wildfire.

Ever since the release of male birth control pills, our relationship grew more intimate than it was before. She appreciated the fact that I was making an effort as well for the relationship rule between the two of us that ‘don’t have children until we are financially stable. I was the one who suggested using the pills too. However, months passed — a year after we started using male birth control pills — my desire in building a family with her started knocking on my thoughts. Could this be the right time? by

After all, we both have stable jobs now. We just got married and we can start a family. But is he ready?

“Honey,” I called Chai’s attention. We were sitting on one of the benches at the park. It became a routine for us to go for a walk every morning with our cat-slash-son, Nimble.

"Hmm?" She glanced at me, but she quickly turned her gaze back to the children playing on the playground. There are also other people who are with their dogs and playing.

“Say, honey…” I trailed off, hesitating. With another deep breath, I continued.

"Have you thought of starting a family?" That made her look at me.

“We already talked about that,‘ isn’t it? ”

“Well, maybe you just changed your mind. After all, it’s been two years since we talked about this ...

” When we were dating, she emphasized that she had no plans to have children but soon, she considered my desire for family. That's where we made the deal that looks like it can be fulfilled now. She sighed, smiling.

"Sorry to break it to you but I still haven't changed my mind, honey… I still don't want to."

“Ah…” I knew she’d say this. I smiled faintly.

"I understand, hon."

"Wait for me a little longer huh?" she humbly said. And no more, I'm a loser. She already used her favorite angelic tone again, the kind of tone I can’t bring myself to say no. He really knew how to change my mind.

“Wait for me until I can get rid of Tita's powder. I will only be able to achieve what I have saved. ” Smiling, I pulled her for a hug.

“Yes… I understand. Do you want to help us with that? ”

"Don't, what are you?" He laughed.

“Here it is. We just want to have children? ”

“Well” I chuckled.

"Hey, Nimble heard you oh!" She suddenly cradled our cat who’s sleeping between us, but it woke up after she lifted it.

“Look oh, he's sulking. Don't you want him anymore? The cat is cuter than the baby ah… Hey, sometimes I really can't get your father, Nimble.”

"Hey, you know, that's not what I meant." I rode her trip so I took Nimble from her embrace and gave a peck on her white furry forehead.

“You’re still our number one. Our Nimble is so cute. ” She laughed. And it was the most wonderful thing that happened at that time, her smile was so contagious she made me forget the need of having a baby. She’s my baby herself.

I think she has already forgotten what we talked about at the park. It has been almost a year but we never brought up the topic of having a family again. She was still even staying at her aunt’s place! Doesn't he really have any plans to have a family with me? They say our fate is in our hands, so I began to initiate the plan of not taking the male birth control pills if it's my time.

I thought, when she gets pregnant, everything will follow — your marriage, children, and eventually, we’ll finally be family. All it takes is to remain fertile some time, even when I’m not supposed to. There is nothing to lose, I will stand up for him and I am financially stable — we are.

Months passed, she finally came and approached me to open up about her pregnancy. I’ve prepared myself here, I’ve been rehearsing the right statement on how I’ll explain to her about my negligence… my desperation. I hope she will understand.

“Honey, I found a few weeks ago… I was pregnant ...” She tried to hold back her tears, maybe outrageous about how the male birth control pill failed her for the first time. But she mustn’t worry.

“About that, honey, I actually—” She sobbed.

"Sorry!" "Huh?"

“I'm sorry if I didn't tell you right away. Sorry. But I aborted the baby. Please don’t be mad, Xav— ”

"You did what?" I could no longer resist the sudden rise of my voice.

"Why did you abort the baby, Chai?" Her expression turned more terrified than before. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her trembling hands covered her face.

“I’m sorry! It’s just that… si Tito… he, he did it, Xav. ” She wailed in front of me. I immediately caught her in my arms as she wept.

“I don’t want a child from him. I do not want…." The nerves in my body seemed to shake when I heard what he admitted. He f*cking harassed her and I didn’t know. Mixed emotions formed in my mind: shock, anger, and remorse. I have no idea about this. I thought he only had a problem with his Aunt but why…

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve let you stay at my place, Chai. ” I cursed under my breath and hugged her tightly.

“Where is your Uncle now? We should put that dumb *** into jail. ”

"l tried to stop him that night, Xav," she sobbed.

"I don't know. I was so sure… I was sure, Xav, he didn't put it in. He didn't…" She slammed her head in frustration.

"I just don't get why I got pregnant…" My body stiffened at what he said. I swallowed hard.

“He didn’t, you say?” She nodded, still sobbing.

“But the pregnancy was positive. Gulong-gulo ako no’n and I was so scared to tell you… I decided to confront you after the baby was gone.

” My heart broke as a sudden realization hit me. What he said echoed in my mind, I analyzed what he said over and over until I found myself sitting away from him.

"Xav?" “When did he do it?”

"About… two months ago."

“Ha. Fuck. ” I laughed humorlessly.

“Chai,‘ isn’t it my turn then? I didn’t take my pills two months ago… ”

"W-What?" "The dead baby… was our child, Chai."

Credits to the author - Emma Yadani