Another bad morning.

I slept yesterday at 4:00 am and I only slept 5 hours. because I can clearly hear the scolding sound of my mother which I hate more than death. All are just different after the day. I can't even stand properly. I can't even feel like eating. I slowly came to the kitchen and looked around. No one. Where is mama?... anyway I don't care where is she. because I never felt like I have a family. My mother always scolds at me. Her mouth is filled with many bad words which hurts me to death. I hate that words. even it's a good thing for me. It's true that she is my birth mother. but until now, she didn't know what is my favourite colour. she didn't know how I looks like when I am crying. a mother is the shelter of every child. That was the biggest thing I heard from everyone. But not in my life. sometimes she is lovely. but sometimes....it's horrible. what about my father?...god...he is such a asshole. he always beaten up me until death. he didn't even cared about my feelings. he always cared about his own likes which I can't never adjust. My future for his likes! damn....I don't want to go with this. He always stated me as the one with responsibilities for my sister's and brother's fault. He made bad statements about me which I never did in my life. also, he always bad mouth others. But he always worshipped god. So at my early times I thought maybe he is correct. But later I realised it's just my bullshit thoughts. Talking about my brother is totally a waste of time. He is the same as my father. maybe even worse. never considered me as his sister. maybe.....But I can't even feel anything. He always talks about my negative sides. I don't talk much among my family. So they are playing with my feelings. I am not always a silent one. The fact is I never have a definite character. My character always change based on the people I met. My sister is sometimes stay by my side. But not as you think. she is just a child. only 13 years old. I am 5 years older than her. At her early times, she always betrayed me for others attention. So I don't believe people much after these stupid past.

it's been 5 years without his presence. I know the fact. He has another girl friend. But my mind still stuck in that old memories. I can't overcome from that deep sadness. Maybe you can call it as a dipression. Ya! ..... I am facing dipression and anxiety over 5 years. But no one knows about it except my best friend. He is the only one who listens to me and a my shoulder to cry on when I am facing things like this. He comforted with his words. Sometimes I totally forgot about my sorrows when I am with him. He is a truthful friend to me. We are best friends from our childhood. It was a rainy day we met. I am only 5 years old and he too. I was walking through the road with a wet uniform and hair. I was crying at that time. Tears ran with the rain drops through my little cheeks. You can guess what happens to me since I said about some of my stories. ya! That was my family. My father beaten up for my little mistake. At that time I am a little child. How can a father do that to me?.... I don't wanted to go home. I walked like without a soul while crying.

"Hey, what happened?" I heard a voice of a little boy. when I looked around, I found the same guy who sat 2 chairs after me in the class with a bunny smile. Ya....He is Jeon jungkook.

"Nothing" I replied with a sorrowful shaking voice since he asked about it. It seems like that little boy didn't want me to go like this. " Hey, my house is near hear. wanna come since you are all wet?? My mother will give you another dress". I looked at the boy with a confusion. I heard that he is too friendly with others. But he never talked to me in the school neither I. "No, I want to go home before 5'o clock".

"come on...it's only 4'o clock. also my home is near. I promise My mom will drop you". I listened his words carefully. Maybe it's for my good. because I am all wet. if my mother saw this, she will beat me. I don't want to take another bunch of beat today. I am already tired. So I nodded slowly at him. He smiled widely. When I arrived at his home.....I have no words....Not a big penthouse. just....a normal house...but it's a wooden house. I felt like wow...and my mouth became an 'o' shaped. I am really impressed. it's a new style. I never saw a wooden house near. This was quite unique. More space than I thought. Everything were kept neatly. I slowly walked with him while looking around.

"mama, she is my bestfriend, Na bi". by his words I look confused. How he know my name?? maybe in the class he noticed. "wow....that was a new thing... you got a female friend". His mother smiled at me.

"Hello Na bi". I stood at there speechless since I am a child. I am not good at socialising. "she don't talk too much. but believe me, she will talk non stop if she become friends with you, mom". That was so correct. How he knows about me so well?...Maybe he noticed this too in the class. But what have I done make him to notice me?? .....

"Don't worry, I will soon become her friend".She said with a beautiful smile on her face.

"But....why are you so wet? are you out during the rain?". I nodded slowly. She smiled at me and took my hand and take me to a room. "Stay here, I will come fastly". I nodded at her. slowly I looked around with my little widen eyes. Something caught my attention. That was a family picture. I slowly walked towards it. Since I can't see that picture which is kept at a little height than me. "What are you looking for?? the picture??". She held me up. I looked at the picture and said "thank you" to her for helping me.

"No problem. anyway I had a small little dress. hope it will suit you". surprisingly, it suited me so well. When I came from the room, jungkook was looking at me. "woow... it's suits you.... beautiful". I smiled at him. "Mom...Can you drop her at her house?? Because I promised her that you will drop her".

"No problem kooki.... anyway I am going to the market. So I will drop her".

When his mom droped at my home, my mom got a little suspected. after his mother gone,

She asked me an odd question. "Why are you friends with a boy? don't you know you are a girl and you have to keep distance? if your father come to know about this, do you know what will happen next. before I say, you have to keep distance with that boy". as a "ok" I walked towards the room with a sad smile.

But it didn't actually affect me. we kept in touch and I started to share my feelings to him. He never told it to his mom. He always kept it as a secret. I loved his that side. Soon after we became best friends. not just a best friends, but best best friends. My mom didn't know about our friendship during this all years. I still keeping it as a secret. if I say, there is no doubt that my father will beat me and him to death and he will definitely make some bad stories as his own with my brother.

I am still in my room writing some thoughts on my pink diary brought by jungkook. I always loved to write something. But when I ask about buying a diary, my family didn't allowed it. They even said that writing diary is a bad habit. But I know it's a good thing. When jungkook is away from me, I can write thing on my diary. On my 17th birthday, he brought this pink diary for me. He always granted some of my wishes. Sometimes I felt like he is my twin since we are always close like this.

When we studing in high school, I fall in love with the famous guy in the school. Yes! me and Jaxon. we are in relationship over 3 years and he broke my heart with another girl. Such an asshole....I mean, how...how can he cheat on me with my classmate??...I became dipressed over 5 years because of it. Now also I am facing that stupid thing. I am alone now. Jungkook is not here. He went to U.S.A since his father was there. After he come here, we will go for higher studies, I mean college in Seoul. Away from my family. Because of my grandmother, my dream became true. I am sure my family is against this. But my grandmother, who always stood by my side for my family things, made my dreams happens. Jungkook and my grandmother know each other since his grandmother and my grandmother are childhood friends.

Night 9'o clock

I am at the balcony attached to my room. looking at the stars. it's relaxing. I always loved night times. Don't know why. I felt that darkness can relax me like jungkook. But sometimes I afraid of darkness. I took my ear phone and placed it on my ear. I started to scroll through the phone for my favourite song. Ya....it's 'stay with me' by Chanyeol and Punch. it makes me to think about my sweet old memories with Jaxon. I really loved him. He did too. what happened then??.... Maybe he felt so boring. I am boring. but jungkook never felt boring around me neither anyone did except my family. Anyway I miss him. So much....The warmth of his hand, his hug all.... I want to experience it one more time. I don't know he miss me. there is no chance. He have another girlfriend. So there is no reason for him to think about a boring girlfriend. I want to move on. But something in my heart can't. I want to, but I can't. That's my situation. Jaxon always looked at me like I am his precious thing. He always holds my hand with all consideration. I felt like I am safer. He stood by my side. But now....I am alone. He is not with me over 5 years. ya....it's breaking my heart. If jungkook was with me, there is a chance for me to move on. I always felt safer around him too. Maybe......more than Jaxon. ya..it's for sure. because he is my best friend. I can talk freely around him and can share anything. I miss him too. his company.

When I was thinking about this all and talking myself in my heart, I got a Message. I opened it.

kooki: "I bet you are looking at Stars and

...thinking about that cheater and...

...sweet moments five years ago"....

I lightly smiled while looking at the message. He knows me well more than anyone. He never missed messeging and calling me.

me: "Oo my kooki already knows

everything. are you worried

about me? can't stand while

looking at the dipressed me?"

Kooki:"It's true kooki hates that type of Na bi.

chill baby....That's all your past. how

many times I have to say that?"

me: "I know....If you are here, maybe

I can overcome from this".

For some minutes.....NOTHING from him. I got a little confused. Oh damn...why in the world I typed that way?? did he misunderstood?? No way....I kept saying this "No way" myself until I got a new message from him.

kooki: "sorry...no range... anyway,

I also wish if I could stand by your side.

But you know our situations".

I felt a little relieved. He is such a good best friend. I wonder if he made another friends there. Maybe he did. It's a good thing. But I don't know....I am jealous sometimes. because I am his only friend. No.....his best friend. So I don't like when people gets too close to him like they was his best friend.

kooki: "Na bi.....I forgot to tell you about this.

I got new friends here. One girl and

one boy. They are twins. They are

friendly too. The girl is sometimes

like you...Lol....her name is Kim ha-na.

I bet you will gonna fall in love with her brother.

he is quite handsome. When I show your

pic, he says ' she is beautiful '. Maybe he

got a crush on you Lol....".

Me "Then what about you?...I bet

you already fall in love with her".

for a moment no message. Maybe his range already gone again. I waited for some times. he read it, but no message. What's that?...He never done this to me. Maybe the range problem.....hm...

No more thinking.....so I gone to the bed without taking the earphone in my ear.

******Morning******

I slowly opened my eyes by the sound of my mother's scolding voice. She is always cursing me in the morning. Damn....When I got up, I saw my mobile in the floor. God....don't tell it got damaged. I slowly tried to 'on' the switch. Ya!!!! thanks....god... Nothing happened except a little scratch on the screen. I can buy another screen today. Then I noticed his message. woow....he texted me.

kooki: "Guess".

what is this?...guess?? what's that means?? what we talked yesterday?? Unfortunately I cleared the chat since my phone was running out of storage. also, I am not good at recollecting memories. I didn't mind his that text.

me : "so, what are you gonna do today?

If I was with with you, you never

feel bored. Don't worry buddy...I will enjoy

here and you are alo.......ne".

He didn't saw my message. I got irritated. why is he didn't texting me??...

I got a notification. ya....it was from jungkook.

kooki:. "No no. I am enjoying here baby.

Ha-na is with me. So don't get yourself

proud. bye....I gotta go. She is waiting".

What's that? ha-na?? who is she to compare with me?

So that's why he is not texting me sometimes. Wait....Am I jealous?? No way....It's true I get jealous at any person who is close to jungkook. but not that type of jealous. it just a little angry type. But when he mentioned Kim ha-na, is that her name??....whatever, I felt some kind of jealous which I never felt like that way in the matter of jungkook.

I looked at the small chain once again which they kept in a box like a precious thing. The store looks like quite good. "Uhm...sir, can you show me the chain in the middle?". I am not going to buy, because I have no money for this. Just looking at it will makes me to stop thinking. That man place that little box infront of me. Through the shining glass, I can see the chain. It's looks so good. but it's quite expensive. No one can buy this much expensive chain. Maybe jungkook can, but I never gonna ask for this expensive one. The locket of the chain is a word 'ELPIZO'.

"What's mean by this word?" I asked with a curiosity.

"Oh...it is a Greek word means hope". Now I get it. so it means hope. But what hope I have now?. The only hope was Jaxon. But it's gone. So I think it's not for me.

I I slowly walked through the town. I always loved night walking alone. it was snowing. I am freezing to death. If jungkook stayed here, with me, he will make sure I didn't get any cold. But I think now he maybe with that ha-na girl. But suddenly I stoped while seeing an odd sight from an outside of a restaurant.

I can see that sight clearly. tears filled in my eyes. yes...it is Jaxon. Never expected this day will come. Finally, after 5 years....I saw him. But not alone. With the same girl. The reason for our break up. She always hated me. Maybe she took her revenge through my love. But tears started rolling through my cheeks when I saw they are kissing. Without wasting any time, I went from there. I can't see it anymore. If I stay there any longer, it will gonna hurt so much. So I didn't waste my precious time.

Evening 5'o clock

I grabbed a cup of tea with my right hand and slowly scrolling through the phone since I am a left hander.

Me : "Enjoying your day with new friends?"

No message.

I got some chills all over my body because of some fears. What if jungkook also left me alone like Jaxon?...No...it can't....

I got a notification. I fastly opened it. But unfortunately, it was from my stupid cousin. I am sure this time also some stupid things.

Mad jinn : "Guess what"

Me : "Anything stupid"

mad jinn : "Ya...be serious....Today a girl proposed

me".

Me: "What was your answer?"

mad jinn : "ofcourse....No".

Me : "That's new....gotta some chills...

Mad jinn : "Not like you and the crazy Jaxon guy".

I paused for a while when I saw that name on my phone.

Mad jinn : "oh girl, I am sorry if it hurts you".

Me : "No no no....it's right....CRAZY JAXON...

MAD JINN : HUH?? so Finally you moved on...girl~~

I really want to celebrate....what I will

do.....????"

Me : "Ya.... finally I moved on..."

Yes!....I decided to move on. seeing him with another girl with happy......and am I the only one who is always crying for this stupid thing??....for him, I harmed myself 5 years. But what about him??...He enjoyed each and every seconds with her. So I don't care anymore. He is not in my heart anymore as used to be.

Another notification.

Kooki : "Nah~~ I got in bed from a half and hour

ago. What are you doing?? I bet you gone to

the shop today".

Me : "ya....but not in that mind set. I gone and

enjoyed. I took many photos too".

kooki : "huh?? what's going on? are you really??".

Me ; " yep...I moved on. not caring anymore about it"

kooki : " What made you to change fastly??

something must happened".

Me : "Don't worry....not it in the mood to share....I am

drinking coffee... besides you, who always

sleep in the morning".

kooki : " ok...then carry on..bye baby...Gotta sleep

since I woke up early in the morning".

jungkook is always like that. He gave my own privacy. Doesn't persuade me for sharing the truth.

That side of him was so so heart touching.

After my bathing, I heard some voice from the ground floor. I slowly walked and the sounds now getting closer.

"We can't. I am not interested in this. it's good to study from here. it's safer. No no.....I am her father. So I will decide her future. A father knows about his child. Don't worry about my daughter's matter.

sorry.....I am not interested in your advice...Mr. John and thank you for calling".

it was my father. He was talking to my uncle, John. He supported me for my studies. Maybe he heard about my dream to study in Seoul. But it looks like my father don't want me to study there. So.....is that means my dream again lost??

I slowly walked infront of them.

"Why are you so against it? it's my dream to study there. also, who are you to take decisions in my life?"

SILENT____________

Finally he spoke up.

"Are you questioning me?? I am so much older than you. Don't you know how to respect people older than you??"

I went silent.

"She don't know anything about this world. she never had any saddest days. She is lazy. always in the room and don't come in the living room. I suggest her to study here".

Wow~ That asshole, my brother spoke up with a power. That's him.

"You don't have to study in Seoul. I will arrange a college here. So take time".

wh...what the **** is happening?? I felt like everyone are controlling me. I hated it. it doesn't seems like they are caring me. I angrily gone to my room and hardly closed it.

"God... she started her acting..... acting queen. don't question me like this ever. If you, definitely you will regret it soon". I can still hear that evil smirk on my father's and brother's face.

********

I am crying over and over. Many sadness in my life. Jaxon is the first thing in my life. second is my family. Third, I am alone. I can't handle everything. But Jaxon was gone. No more memories. So leave him. But family....They will definitely torcher me until death. I am sure of it. They are my anxiety. If I can go anywhere from here. I can definitely find some happiness.

But Suddenly my window made some kind of voice. I slowly walked towards it with a frightening.

"Hey.....are you even a human?? how many times I called you .....damn....I think my legs are brocken".

Damn....it's seok Jin, my cousin. But why he is here??