Well, I think i might just write anything I want that cross to my mind. I've been keeping this feeling for too long that I can't take it anymore. I dunno what is wrong with me until now. Its not that serious when I think back and thought about some people go through something more serious and unbearable than me. But, I just. I don't know.

At first, when I was little. I can feel that I'm being loved cause I'm the little one in our family. But, as I grown up or even not that too much it dissappear little by little day by day.

Well, I got quite big fam. I got 6 sisters,, each of them were used to be sooooo close to me. But then, not now. As everyone get married, leaving me here alone not getting married. I can feel the distance even more.

I think its stupid to say that,, am I being jealous? It's true they have their own life and path but, the sense of being abandoned kept growing in me. They used to go out with me before but now? I'm on my own when their fam there and ofc they will left me behind.

I know, it's normal but I just can't. It's my problem ofc. And then, as I grow older. I understand them more and even more. I try to find myself a partner.

I go through high school and being in dormitory. Tho, in my first year in high school. I nearly got a boyf, I can say that we like each other alot. But, we're in diff class and diff minor class so we're not always together in class, except for the prep class. We barely hang out together. It's my first time tho. He is my first love.

When I was so in love with him, then come another guy that time. We're from diff class too but the same minor class so that we normally will see each other quiet alot. And it's like we keep taking interest with each other too. But i never thought it will be turn out so bad when one day my first love asking my friend to tell me "Sumimasen". At that time we both take diff language as our 3rd language. Mine was French and his was Japan.

And what's the worst at that time no one know that meaning of Sumimasen. And after that he keep distancing from me. And it breaks my heart at that time but as for the 2nd guy was there. I hang in there quite well that time until one day we started to ghosting each other. We never confess about our feeling, its just the small and huge sign we shows towards each other. And still, my heart was not okay with what happened between me and my first love.

I kept blaming myself for things that happened. Up till now. And also I never understand why I did that stuff in the first place. Like, what do i want exactly? Just why? And why??!!

Even tho I knew something like that made my heart not in ease at all, but still i didn't changed. I just don't know how. I just can't. And I don't even know if I really had tried to change or not.

I'm feeling lost. I need someone to talk to me, to listen to me. Be there when I'm in my hard time. When I'm happy when I'm confused. Everything. But, when I got one, I got easily annoyed. I hate it when they asked too much or talk too less. I always want it in my way, I tried so hard to make them stay but once they got to be mine, and so long time being together, I started to feel bored and annoyed.

I easily get triggered, in relationship, I never feel secure. There's always something that will triggered me about myself like I'm not good enough or all people around me have surpass me that makes me think my partner or anyone around me don't like me anymore.

So here, i'll start writing about myself from the start. Like I said, Im turning this novel section as my own diary. And I really hope people won't judge me. Cause it's just... I'm really stupid and my life was a mess.

If you guys willing to read about what happened in my life. Then it such a big honour cause I can't keep it to myself anymore. Some people might think that it's just normal, things like this might happened to any other people too but yea. It's just me who can't get rid of what's been happening in my life.

I'm losing to courage to live, to love. Until I can't even love myself anymore. I'm lost

So, here I'll start telling you guys about how my life leads me to be this way now.

I'm the last child in our family. I got pretty bog fam tho with alot of siblings. So maybe that's why, I felt less loved. Maybe? Or I need more attention more than anyone else?

I used to be a bright child and also I'm doin great in my kindergarten when I was 5 and 6. But, something seems so off when I was 6, June 2006. Yea, Imma millennium kid, born in 00's. Back to the story. When I was 6, I've been warded for some blood problem. At that moment, I felt like all the attention goes to me and I loved it. Everyone cared and worried about me as I was about to die when I'm doin just fine there except for the time for blood exchanged and stuff.

When I got discharged after 16 days, people around me still take a very neat care towards me. And I loved it, I loved the attentions that I got.

When it comes for the dine time, my plate would be diff from others that makes me think that my fam really care about me and love me so much. Isn't?

Yet until I went to primary school. It was the best part of my life, I went to school with nothing serious in mind. I get some new friends, I do learnt but it's just cause I need to, and for some reason I'm a brilliant one when I was in kindergarten haha. It sounds stupid but really I have no worries in school until for the first year I'm in. It's the final exam when I was 7. I told my dad to come along when it was the final ceremony where we got awarded from placing 1 to 5 in each class. I don't even know what number I got and I told my dad to come along cause all of my friends said their parents goin to.

And when the ceremony being held. I'm not even in the hall, I dunno what am I doin at that time. When the ceremony finished and we all allowed to go home. I waited for my dad for soooo long. And the worse thing it, I don't even know that my dad attended that ceremony. Hoping that my name would be called but no. I'm not in!

Around 2 to 3 hours waiting, my sister come picked me up. I'm crying, asking why she was so late? And she said she thought our dad come, and when he's back. He is alone, that's why she come to pick me up. I don't even understand why my dad would be so upset at that time. And I started to blame others instead of myself, why would they do that? It's not something serious tho? Aight?

Until that one time, I sat alone. Looking back for what's happening, why would my dad being so angry? And then I just realised, ofc he is angry. I used to be a bright kid when I was in kindergarten and ofc he will have a high expectations when I'm in primary school isn't? Plus, I old him to come along. It's me myself who told him to come. He must be chatting with his friends about our results and stuff but then. My name are not being said even once. I sucked in my first year.

After that, I started to take lesson seriously, I put efforts in every class. I don't even bother to ask anything if I don't understand. And yea, I'm back.. For the rest 5 years I'm there, in primary school. I got in the top 5 everytime. My name would be there everytime. And also, I participate in every co-curriculum activities. Imma star in volleyball tho. You not gonna believed it haha.

And back then, ofc some problems happened to and I used to bragged about my participation to my aunt next door. And one day again, a misunderstanding happened when my mom went along to support me when I'm doin an English story telling performance. And I did it!!! I placed first. Oof imma such a brilliant kid back then haha.

But when we first went back home. I bragged about the presents I got to my aunt and her child. And when Im home, my dad was upset cause it was my mom who spent time accompany and support me, but I showed it to my aunt first. At that time I don't understand why too, isn't normal to bragged about our winning? It's not a bad thing right?

And then I changed again. Everytime I got any accomplishment. I'll showed it to my mom and dad and fam members first, and then after that I'll tell others.

Started from there, I'll start to have a high expectations to myself as our family also have high hope in me, and I'll keep meeting their expectations.

Me in primary school was such a bullied. I fought with the boys, bullying the girls, skipping class and others. But, the teachers can do nothing because I behave really well in front of them and we all so scared to report any bullying to the teachers. Oof seriously our gang are the worse.

I started to fought with the boys when I was like 9 or 10. Until I'm 12 yo, end of primary school. But I kept getting a great grade, super active in sports, tutoring others. So I don't care about doin something bad in school cause at the end, all the attention goes back to me when I'm standing on the stage at the end of every year, except the first year there 🤭

We have an exam when we are 12 which is the final year in primary school to determine which high school are suitable for us to enroll in. As expected, I got straight A's in that exam which not even one of my siblings got that. Ofc I'd been super confident with that result as our school only got 3 students with straight A's that year.

Again, all the attention in the school, village and even state. I'm so proud of myself and soo happy that my family can brag about it to others.

So, after a few months of holidays we enrolled high school. I've been to interview in this one high school, a prestigious one. Dormitory one. So, I need to lived in the dorm together with others. Oof it sucked at first that I hardly got homesick ofc.

Everyday I called my parents, crying everyday. It's normal. At the very beginning of the school life in high school, it was soooo different from primary school, I was so stressed about it at first that I need to wake up real early, doin everything the exact same time as others. Oof it's hard I told you.

Having to queue everyday before taking shower, wait for others to eat, roll call, class and everything. Our high school required 5 years of enrolment. And ofc in my first year I was still such a bright student cause I am one in primary school and I used to be so confident in myself.

I participate in qoir, drama, and so many more in my first year. But yea, I forgot about something. Its a prestigious school and ofc all the people there are super brilliant too. The worse ranked I got in highschool, again. In my first year, my very first examination, I ranked at 62 from 140+ something, I forgot the exact number. Its the worse. I was so shocked, I didnt tell my parents but they got to know our results cause the school will send them those.

But when I'm home, my mom asked again about how the exam goes, and I said I got worse and she said it's okey. But, at that point it's me myself who didn't satisfied with my own achievement. I was too focus with curriculum until I can't catch up with the high school learning style. Ofc it's never the same as in primary school.

Then, in the 2nd year of high school, I started to finding my own pace. I started to score better even tho the students there are mostly brilliant.